didn’t quite give me the answers I was searching for…1998

I started studying for my BA in 1998. I felt sort of forced into a position where I needed to be doing something societal-ly productive. You know, add to the cause and make something of myself blah blah. I was never really one for that type of shit, but I needed to, so I did. I floundered around for a while and couldn’t decide what I wanted to study. I made an appointment with the University dude whose supposed to help guide you in your academic and career pathway.

At this point in my life I had two things going on. My kids, who weren’t living with me; and drinking. Lots and lots of drinking and not giving a fuck about much.

So I rocked up into the University dudes office, made my greetings and got down to business. My disposition was obviously one of FTW and I saw him clutch his wallet a couple of times and look around nervously lol. Our conversation went a little something like this –

Him – “so, how can I help you today ma’am” …’ma’am??’ … all the while looking at my pig tails and over sized pants alternatively.

Me – “I need to study something but don’t know where to begin”

Him – “What is it that your interested in?”

Me – “Serial killers, rapists and pedos”

Him – quick sharp breath … “Oh Kay … you might want to start with psychology”

Me – “Oh Kay, sounds good. Where do I go for that?”

And that’s how it began. He sent me off to the School of Psychology and I enrolled for 3 papers for that semester. Psych 101, 102 and Statistics.

At this stage of the journey I didn’t really understand what it was that I was searching for. I didn’t think my children would be coming back to me … that’s another story … and I generally didn’t care what the rest of the world was doing as long as it wasn’t banning alcohol, I was sorted.

I was angry and extremely unhappy all at the same time. And I’d decided to study pfft. It seemed that my tipuna had more in store for me than I realised.

I didn’t take much notice of the studying side and didn’t complete a couple of those papers. But I did decide I’d go to the Psych 101 exam, after a long night of drinking, I was picked up at 8.30am. I hadn’t had any sleep and must have looked like utter shit. I think I may have been nervous, but was still half cut so that took the edge off.

I sat that exam.

Amazingly, I passed.

I didn’t go back to studying anything along these lines until 2003. And when I did I changed my major a couple of times and settled with Criminology in the end.

What I didn’t understand then, but I do now…is that I was looking for the answers to the questions I had been asking, but found the answers had been unsatisfactory.

I wanted to know WHY:

Why do people hurt children?

What makes them capable of sadistic behaviour?

And Why Me?

I took about 10 years to complete my BA. My children returned during that time so I raised the hell out of them, worked and studied on and off over those years.

But you know what…what I thought would be a journey that gave me the answers I wanted…It turned out to be a journey with answers that I didn’t quite expect, or really want to hear. I found my own answers after all that, and they weren’t learned from a book or a lecture.

“They do it…because they can”

That’s all.

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