Sometimes I don’t want to turn the lights off…and I don’t want to close my eyes.
Sometimes I don’t want to sleep…just in case I can see what I do when my eyes are closed.
That sometimes moment…is now.
She says, the psychologist, that even though I don’t want to do something, I need to just do it anyway. It’s all part of the new theory of not letting your thoughts rule you. Just because I think something doesn’t mean that its real. Or that it should stop me.
But she’s never been in my dreams. And she’s never been there when my eyes are closed.
She says that it will get better. And she’s right in part. It is better. Sometimes.
She says to get my ‘bag’ of sensory things when I feel like I don’t want to be present. To find the thing that helps ground me.
But I don’t know that I need grounding at the moment. I just don’t want to close my eyes. And I don’t want to be present.
I haven’t told her yet, that the thing she says I should do…the, just do it anyway…is what I’ve always said. Just do it anyway. It hurts but just do it anyway. You don’t like it but just do it anyway. It’s been the survival theme song.
And now it’s supposed to help me let go of everything that I see when my eyes are closed.
It’s some fucked up shit alright. Times like this, I wish I wasn’t giving up the pills.
But I am…and I won’t give up fighting…cos I don’t…and I will be alright…and I will close my eyes…and I will sleep…and I will be alright.