and it went silent…1994

The husband thought the silent treatment would work. As I tried to suggest that there was something really wrong with our picture. That I didn’t want to live this way. That it was normal to be having problems, dam we hadn’t been married for that long. That I wanted to fight with him. That being fucking silent was not going to get us any fucking where.

He remained silent.

I rearranged my questions and figured out the right moment to try to talk, again, as I still had a certain level of affection for him. I had married him after all. And I loved that he loved my girl…our girl now…he adopted her. I loved that he was clean and pleasant…to everyone else. I loved that he was a good father to the girls. But it was waning…the love for him. I needed more. I get now, that he could have never ‘filled’ my gaps, but there was no effort from him, in my mind, to fill ours. The marriage wasn’t mine to fix. It was ours.

I finally got him to sit down, and while he stared into space, I asked him what he believed was important to him. He listed them.

1. Work

2. Money

3. His wider family

4. The car

5. His family

That was us…number five. And added to that,  was clause 5 (a)…the girls.

‘Are you fucking serious’…apparently so. He continued watching TV and discontinued the conversation.

Next round, I found a suitable time to sit down and try to talk some more, about how his ratshit list had made me feel. He nodded. Conversation discontinued.

Next round, ‘have you got anything to add..say…anything?’. Conversation discontinued.

I didn’t realize then, but I get it now…that’s the way he is. He’s a head in the sand kind of guy. Every now and then he’ll pull it out, have a look around, and if it’s still looking hostile, back in the sand it goes.

Last and final round, after lots and lots of months of trying to talk…’I’m out of here if you don’t fucking talk’. He talked briefly. Conversation discontinued.

I gave my ring back and said I would make plans to find another house. If we could work things out whilst separated, good. If not, I’d give it six months, then that’s us…done. He didn’t bat an eyelid.

Men. Geez.

And it remained silent.


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