stars aligned?…2000

The cunty pedo had been arrested a year or two earlier…for non-related cunty pedo acts…just your run of the mill home invasion, kidnapping, assault on a police officer type stuff. And somewhere in here, I knew it gave me relief. A chance to not be scared of him lurking around, showing up randomly whenever he felt like it.

I had told my Grandparents somewhere around here too. They were devastated in their own ways. My Grandfather cried and apologized. My Grandmother cried and asked if I was sure then apologized. It explained a bit for them.

But as alopecia was setting in, the girl’s father decided he wanted to go and ‘find himself’ and wanted to know if I could have them back for eight months while he found his lost self.

This was a pivotal point of time for me.

Theres not too many times that the stars and moon had aligned in my favor…but this was one of them. I of course said Yes. I felt like I was way more ready to do what I needed to…and to grow up. To give them the mother that I knew I could be, but just didn’t know how to be. It’s an understatement to say I was elated and clean out what was left of my critter life, to make way for them.

Somewhere around this time, I had been talking to a pastor dude…used to be a member of The Salvation Army peeps. And he was on a mission to save the lost soul. But I got a chance to ask, challenge and discuss my version of Christianity with someone who claimed to be a Christain…of considerable ranking pfft.

And I challenged the shit out of him. And he kept coming back. I think I fascinated him slightly and even though he couldn’t and wouldn’t admit it, he seemed to agree with some of the inconsistencies I had theorized about re his religion.

Because he was so open to my challenges, I went back to church. Back to his church…his religion. I did my own version of it…which did not fit with the pious-ness around me…but as per usual, I did it my way. Anyway.

By the time the girls came back, I was ready. Mentally.

I wasn’t ready for all my hair to fall out. I went to the Doctors and then specialists. Not a lot was known about alopecia then. The doctor and the specialist all said the same thing…’don’t know why its falling out…but its falling out…and we don’t know if it’ll grow back…and there isn’t anything we can give you to fix it’. Brilliant! Fuck knows how long of medical degree to obtain that type of information. Fucking brilliant alright.

I was petrified really and felt extremely vulnerable. Not just because it effected how I looked…it was all about not being in control of me…again.

This was the first time, I think, that I seriously questioned the medical professionals and what it was that they could do, about anything.

But as my girls settled in, and I got them into school…a bi-lingual school that catered for primary school up to form 2…year 8 I think it is now. It meant that they could remain together. I figured that they had been through enough instability and been through enough separation…I wanted them to remain together.

Because we were only thinking that this arrangement was going to last eight months, we made the most of it. It’s what we needed really.

It’s a beautiful thing, being in love with your children. When you figure out that they are such unique little individuals…and not to far from being mini mes ;).


14 thoughts on “stars aligned?…2000

      • Hell, yeah, you should feel it. That’s the whole point. It’s like a controlled explosion of emotion, like a psychological fireworks display.

        I really wish we had something that cool and culturally reinforced here in the States. Men (and women, but mostly men, let’s face it) need some sort of expressive outlet for their deep emotions. They’ve got video games, sports, and bad Michael Bay movies and that’s about it. And none of that releases anything, it’s all passive.

        We need more of this:

        Jesus, I cry my fuckin’ eyes out every time I watch that one.

        Liked by 1 person

        • For sure … A lot of our men are the same; sad to say … and some of that is the post colonisation thing …
          Haka means ‘dance’ .. and there are all ‘sorts’ for the different occasions; meanings, it wasn’t all about war back in the day / but its hugely emotive, expressive and healing … if they let it 😉 Another one of those things that is good for the soul/spirit.

          I thought your Indigenous have similar cultural expressions??


  1. “This was the first time, I think, that I seriously questioned the medical professionals and what it was that they could do, about anything.”

    Um…yeah…well, get used to THAT. I went through almost thirty years of bullshit before I caught onto the idea that allopathic medicine is a lot of guesswork, pill bottles, and very little else. Most of the body’s ills stem from stress of one kind or another and what’s the one thing medicine just can’t being itself to study too deeply or invest very much money in? Right, stress. ‘Specially in women.


    Luckily, the body knows what to do if you stop being a dipshit and get out of its way. Treat the stress before you do anything else and you’d be shocked how many things clear up magically on their own. I was. I used metaphysical resources to get down to the nitty gritty of each stressor. For instance, here’s what one of those resources says about “hair loss”….

    “Shut down.” It is a clamping down on their passion and/or personal potency, lest they activate abandonment or annihilation from their environment. They don’t feel free to be themselves. It reflects an underlying sense of non-deservingness of acceptance and/or a fear of becoming too noticeable in the environment. It arises when they start to manifest their true essence and beauty.

    It is the resultant of being thoroughly trained to experience themselves as “unfit for human consumption” and/or as being “bad, wrong, and evil” for having personal power and clout. Their family was intensely conditionally accepting out of a highly possessive and/or out of an alarmed reaction to their potency, potentials and passion-arousal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fucking interesting!!! Will have to look more into that … your right of course … and its something Ive been forced into looking at again … after PTSD … most of my answers have come from my (pre colonial) culture, the old ways … and stopping – resting and taking note of whats going on in me … its all learning 😉


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