the start of a new generation…2008

We had moved into a new place…me, my girl and my partner. He had two daughters…one the same age as my little girl and another who is a couple of years younger. We had been trying to do the ‘blended’ families thing…separately, and it was proving to be slightly challenging. His younger girl lived with her mother during the week and came to us on the weekends. Boy we had some clashes in those early days…lots and lots of clashes. His older girl didn’t have much to do with him…that was her families choice…and it cut him up most of the time.

Me and my girl were used to each other, and our way of being. He was used to his. And as I’ve said before, we are both chalk and cheese…actually more like night and day! His version of parenting was…yes, yes and yes…you can have and do whatever you want, unless its inconvenient…and then you may have to wait.

My little girl…not so little anymore…thought she’d hit the jackpot. Her and my partner had their birthdays back to back…both Gemini’s. Good lord, two Gemini’s! So while we spent the week trying to blend, you add his girl into the mix on the weekends and it was a fireworks display!

Me and the partner were forever fighting…sometimes it was physical…but we clashed on everything. And the similarity that we do have is our stubbornness! Neither of us ever wanted to back down. And I didn’t really know how to coordinate a relationship like this. We split up quite a few times over the years…and some of those were due to a very different parenting styles…well actually, I thought his parenting style sucked ass lol. He makes a way better Grandad…Koro, though 🙂

So we were dwelling…fighting…working full time…trying to be a couple…parents…step parents…in the mean time, I was getting sicker. In hindsight I think my relationship had a lot to do with me getting sicker. And in hindsight…it was always going to happen. The thought of someone else in my space…in my face…made…still makes…me cringe. He’s affectionate  and touchy…and I’m not! And we hadn’t really scratched the surface of each other and being a couple…a pair…instead of working against each other.

The work pressure was immense. Case Manager sounds like a cruisey title, but again, because of how I was…am…wired…I wanted to do the job thoroughly. I contacted parents…step parents…extended families…all to be part of the young persons plan…some were willing…some weren’t…some had had such a rough time with the system they were hostile and retaliatory. Super dysfunctional place to be.

I was having increasing time off with sickness and ended up in hospital repeatedly. I had a colonoscopy and the other one…can’t remember its name…and the conclusion was ulcers. I had gone from around 85kgs when I started this job, down to around 63kgs. By the time I had the colonoscopy and they started treating for ulcers I was loosing around a kg a day. Like I’ve said…any other time it would have been great. But there’s something quite terrifying about loosing weight rapidly and not being able to gain it. If you’re a chubs and you gain a couple of kgs, you go buy new pants and cut back on a bit of chocolate…well that’s what I had done previously. But now, none of my clothes were fitting and I was wearing my 12 year old step daughters clothes. And I couldn’t gain weight for the life of me.

I graduated this year…that was amazing…terrifying but exhilarating. I had finally accomplished what I had set out to do all those years ago! It was awesome 🙂 It was kind of over shadowed though with all the health stuff going on.

By the time I had seen a couple of specialist and a dietician…I was 57kgs and still dropping…for my frame, that weight is not cool. I was used to being around the 70-75kg mark. And my hair was starting to fall out again. The dietician said she couldn’t do anything else for me…the doctor and specialist said it would pass…that the ulcers were gone, so it was just a matter of time. By that time, I was dropping past the 57kg mark though, and I was getting weak and frail.

And true to my nature…I took matters into my own hands in the end…scrapped their shit pills…took some antihistamines to stop the constant itching and irritation…ordered a couple of pizzas and ate and ate. I did that for a couple of weeks till I put on 5 kgs. The antihistamines surprisingly helped me keep my food down…I think everything I did and ate was irritating me…and I had become hypo allergenic…ultra sensitive to everything. The antihistamines stopped that. It wasn’t the best remedy but I was fresh out of ideas…and this was working, so I kept doing it.

The best thing about this year…was my first moko was born. I was their for his birth…and OMG what an amazing experience. It’s quite a sensation to see your offspring give birth to their offspring…your offspring! And he was just the most gorgeous little man I’d ever seen :)…instantly in love!!!

He was named after my girl’s father, father in law and our Grandad that had died the previous year. My girl was such an awesome little Mama too…she had always wanted 11 children 🙂 random figure I know…but she just embodied mummy-hood…I was so proud of her.

They lived hours away from us…and it was hard to leave and go back to work. I had been there for a couple of weeks after moko was born…and I so didn’t want to leave him.

But I went back to the shitfest that was Youth Justice.

And a new generation started…its a wonderful feeling knowing that you will continue on, long after your gone…that your blood line has continued.

And mokos are something just so special…an indescribable special 🙂 It’s a whole new kind of love 🙂


One thought on “the start of a new generation…2008

  1. Reblogged this on meptsdandallthefuckedupshitinbetween and commented:

    Interesting re-reading these … I’d pretty much forgotten, again, the shitfest that was my life by this stage … and I’d forgotten that it had actually started way earlier than what I’ve been blabbering on about … I usually start with … ‘back in 2010’ … but No, it was 2008, if not earlier. I wish someone had’ve clicked to the pts(d) thing … I wish I had.
    I am pleased to note that I have always been stubborn and will eventually take matters into my own hands … and these days, its sooner rather than later!
    And my beautiful Moko … that right there was the start of something fan-fucking-tastic! 3 Mokos later and life would not be the same without them!
    I am pleased I am here. I really do need to remember this more.


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