emdr again.

I finally did the next session of the (in)famous emdr, after having the last 2 sessions postponed…due to…me.

And while I wasn’t too apprehensive…I should of been. The first couple seemed sort of ho-hum…tiring…but…yeah, ho-hum. And it wasn’t till a couple of weeks later that I actually noticed a change in my ‘thinking’ or feeling. But each session was not particularly painful…possibly due to the wonderful art of dissociation.

But this time…it hurt like a bitch.

I hadn’t really prepared for tears and hurt and shit. Just the waving of the finger. I should’ve prepared for tears and hurt and shit. I guess I’ll be better prepped next round.

The memory tackled involved the pedo cunt so I’m guessing that’s probably why it was a tad more painful. Genius!

This time round, I did the finger following sweet, apparently (yah, super successful me blah). But this time it felt like…numb…sweet…breathing increase…panic…numb…tired…panic…tears…I want to run away…more panic…numb…more tears…headache…chest sore…throat stuck…

all in a matter of moments!

It was freaky and dare I say it again…freaking tiring. Emotional…grrr don’t like emotions.

Anyway, we got back to the ‘happy place’ and then the shrink asks me if I feel alright…ah, no. So she does a bit more waving of the finger and gets me down to a 3 – on the scale of 1 to 10, 1 being awesome – 10 being shit. Then informs me that this stuff isn’t completely resolved…processed…whatever…and we’ll have to pick it up again next session.

Oh Yippie. Can’t wait…NOT.

But next time, that’s right, I’m prepping for it…for tears and hurt and all that shit!

kpm ©


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