We were booked in for another round of good old emdr today. It was supposed to be the 2nd half of the last session; as that one was painful and apparently not quite ‘complete’.
I prepped myself this time!
And what do you know…we didn’t do it! Instead the shrink decided to try a bit of exposure therapy instead. Yah.
So the reasoning for not completing the emdr was the state my mind is in at the moment. And here I was thinking I was not in a too shabby state!
Second reason was this…
Because of the particular memory, and what we have been ‘tackling’ as the crux of it – lack of control…we did a little re hash and came up with ‘another’, possibly more accurate, crux.
We’d been looking at this as me being out of control of the situation. The shrink had said previously that to get a handle on being in control, I needed to focus on what I could, or could have controlled. Me.
Now I had beef with that…because how much control does a 3-year-old have, really? And do they even understand the entire concept of control or controlling themselves. I don’t think so.
I get that in certain situations, I only have control of me; my attitude, perception etc of what is going on around me or to me. But pretending I was in some way ‘in control’ of me or the situation, is shit, to say the least.
So, new theory…its not so much about being in control…its more about what the lack of control, or how the lack of control was perceived…then…and how it reflects or is interpreted…now.
When I am in a situation that makes me feel trapped, I start to panic. As we unpacked that thought process, we came upon the awesome realisation that ‘being trapped’, or having the perception of being trapped, somehow makes me feel like I am a sitting target…vulnerable.
And its the vulnerability that scares the living shit out of me. That’s what sets me into a panic. And all I want to do…all I say to myself…is…I want to get out!
Out…is anywhere but here and now in whatever situation is giving me discomfort.
It can be at the traffic lights…the front seat of the car…the toilet…new surroundings…a surprise…
Anything that makes me feel like I don’t have an option…or a have to wait for something.
I feel like a sitting duck!
And it is THAT feeling that we will tackle with exuberant enthusiasm, next time!
But the exposure therapy…was good.
I drove the car…with the shrink in the front seat lol. Breathing and breathing. I did good :), and she did more breathing than me I think.