Feels like I haven’t been here for weeks, but its only been a few days…
It’s been busy (well busy for me), blurry, painful, glorious and enlightening. Like I said the other day, learning what I have recently about the pedo cunt hasn’t been a bad thing…slightly disturbing, but not a bad thing overall.
I finally got to say it all out loud…to the shrink. Did well to hold onto it for that long without it taking up to much space in my head…thanks to blogging and breathing ;)
My appointment in town with the shrink yesterday, is the third I’ve attended. And I’m finding it’s slowly getting easier…still uncomfortable, but I’m learning to pace it all so it’s not so detrimental I end up in bed recovering for days…just a few hours now lol.
Anyways, this time I did the front seat of the car for 20 minutes and made sure I moved myself to the back before I felt too drained. Little lesson learnt from the previous trip where I thought I was super awesome and did the entire 40 minute trip and then freaked out when we got into town. (Traffic lights are one of my ‘I hate waiting’ places). But I did this one…and actually enjoyed what I did…and that’s where I’m trying to leave these ‘experiences’…on a pleasant note!
So back to the shrink. We did a recap and 15-20 minutes of that bio feedback breathing thing…and that’s seems to be improving too. I can get out of the red a bit quicker, and stay in the blue/green a bit longer…Yuss! So during all this, I recounted the fucked up shit I’d found out. She was disturbed which made my disturbance not seem so bad. She’s feeling the sadist theory but of course is more focussed on how it all affects me and how I’ll process it. So next week it’s back to the EMDR for another round of finger waving.
So my achievements…which is what I’m trying to focus on here…are that I did the front seat of the car…and enjoyed what I did…I made it to the shrink appointment, in better condition than the other sessions…I got to see my daughters and my mokos; I got cuddles and kisses and read stories and loved every little minute of that…recovery time was about 8 hours instead of 48 hours…I didn’t freak out too much when the partner got side tracked with other stuff and interrupted my schedule…I remembered to breath…
Love and light to me