the dreaded emdr…done

I had the session of EMDR yesterday, which I must say, I prepared pretty well for. It’s taken all day today though, to recover from my well-prepared-ness!

So, the shrink moves offices every week, and this week we were in a ‘child friendly’ zone; which I thought was pretty spooky actually. Lots of books and kids toys and affirmation cards…you know, “I am special”, “I am loved”, “I am safe”, type things. Gave me chills lol.

Anyway, I breathed through the first and worst…focusing on the memory…rating it from 1 to 10 on the disturbance scale…then we were off with the finger waving thing…which is rather disorientating and hard to focus on…but I breathed, and breathed.

This time, my head hurt like fuckery…the front and sides and after a couple rounds, the back of my head. Then my face, sinuses to be more specific; then my shoulder blades. Throughout the whole thing too, I had this horrible butterflies feeling throughout my tummy and chest. I didn’t like that. After about 20 minutes, I went numb and really, really tired.

I don’t really get it all…in theory I sort of get it…we’re replicating sleep, dreaming and the processing that happens. I get too, that the body holds onto memory, or trauma, even long after the event has been and gone. But this…the finger waving, non talking, headachy shit that happens…I don’t really get it.

What I do know though, is that because I don’t get it, it’ll probably work. I have this fucked up sense of trying to make sense out of everything I come across. And I’ve probably worked myself into this state of having to ‘get it’ before I participate in it, so much so, that I don’t participate in anything. And I’ve gotten so bundled up with anxiety and fear that I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll try virtually anything just to get some relief…well I’m sure there’s some shit I wouldn’t try…

But, when we finished this session I felt like I’d been run over by a train. And we haven’t finished processing this one completely apparently. The shrinks gonna come out to me next week…It’s gonna be a busy week.

I went and hung out with my youngest daughter and moko after the shrink …that was cool. They’re both beautiful for the wairua (spirit). I tried to have a nap but that didn’t work…moko wanted to ‘chat’ ;).

So, another sesh down. ..and I survived 😉

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