Part way through ‘therapy’ last year, the shrink suggested I do a type of diary thingy, that involved documenting in a day, 3 things.
- What I was grateful for
- What I enjoyed
- What made me smile
Now these are my abbreviated and re-analysed ‘What I’s’…she had more technical and flouncy psychological linguistics for them…in a nutshell though…
The essence was to re train the mind to focus on the good stuff (thereby re training the emotions and the physical being as well)…that whether or not I recognised it within a day, there was good stuff.
I guess the thing with PTSD and all the other fucked up shit that goes along with it; your being becomes almost hardwired for the intense; the unpredictable; the terrifying; the hard core shit. It’s not a negative thing, as in ‘your a pessimistic person’ type thing; it’s the reality of having lived through some horrifying fucked up shit! Simple. It’s your brains; emotions; physicality; your beings, way of surviving and thriving. I would quote some bullshit psychological or primeval terminology to back up this theory…but I can’t be fucked! It is what it is…and for me, this is the truth the I’m coming to understand. This shit is different than the anxiety caused by too many people in a mall or supermarket; or intense noise that puts the nerves on edge…PTSD enhances that anxiety, for sure. But I’m beginning to see, that for me, they are separate…well have separate origins…however, they are still part of my being…who I am; what I struggle with; what I am overcoming; what I am reconciling.
So back to the shrinks thing…focussing on the ‘positive’. When she said it’d be a good idea to keep this diary thing; typical me went ‘pfft’…but I did it anyway…because…as I have said before…when you get all fucked up and have tried virtually anything to get un-fucked up…you’ll try something else as well! And what did I have to lose, its a god damn diary! It just felt a little ‘fairy’ for me lol.
So after about 3 months of trying my bestest to come up with those three points daily…and it was a primal head fuck! … it became easier.
After a while I realised that the things that I had thought were reasons to be grateful or thankful or smily or happy…were not really what I thought at all.
Turns out, theres a shit load of things that I am grateful for…that I enjoy or that make me smile…I just hadn’t noticed because I had been to busy doing the PTSD hypervigilance routine.
Soooo,…I don’t do New Years resolution per se, but I decided that this year, I would document what actually does make me smile in a day…it may be that I’m grateful or thankful or whatever, but those things always make me smile, I’ve discovered. They’re not things that other people may smile at…but they are my little slices of heaven!
So that’s why you’ll see…the 365 reasons to smile…daily, from me. They have a purpose…and that purpose is my healing and reconciliation 🙂
Love and light