yesterdays stuff: progress

The shrinks appointments aren’t as frequent as last year…think that’s called progress ;)

But we kicked off the sesh with the usual catch up, and I got to tell her I’ve dropped the ‘walking stick’; dropped the benzos; and dropped taking the pillow and blanky everywhere with me :) … it’s all progress…

And that I’d done the front seat of the car and 4 shops in the neighboring town. She was pretty pleased. She can tick the boxes for ACC so they don’t cut my shit off just yet.

We also got into the, how to maintain myself during and after the dreaded panic attacks…cos they still happen, and can be hugely debilitating. While I’m not as freaked for as long and try hard to not let them put me off going places I want too…they are fucking horrible as they happen.

So we did the old EMDR on my waiting room ordeal and figured out that that same feeling translates to every other thing that sets off a panic attack. I’ve always known this really, it’s just hard to put it into words / frame it up.

When I feel trapped…which can be waiting; … I feel vulnerable … I start to feel anxious … the longer it takes to get a grip on it … the more heightened I feel … and then its over grover. I go dizzy, shaky, blurry … I can tell myself that I am alright; safe; not vulnerable etc. … but my body doesn’t give a shit about what I’m telling it … it wants OUT! Out, Out, Out … and that out feeling translates into a panic attack of seismic proportions.

The EMDR seemed to help a little a bit… but I won’t really know until I’m in that situation again…which in itself is fucked … it’s why I have avoided all situations that have produced this type of reaction … seemed pretty wise to me!

But, yes, it got so debilitating that I couldn’t go anywhere, at all. Not even to the god dam letterbox … and that is even more fucking annoying than the panic attack itself.

I get why I do this … why my body does this. But I am over it … I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I’ve become trapped by the trapped feeling. Hate that shit…

Anyway…progress. Here’s to it!!!!!

kpm ©



2 thoughts on “yesterdays stuff: progress

  1. I got into a conversation yesterday with someone about the legalities of my eviction (not really an eviction, but that’s what it feels like). Just a casual conversation, relaying information and asking questions, yet my heart began to beat faster. I’m like, I can’t deal with this, I can’t fight this. A deep fluttering in my chest, like a frightened bird. It didn’t last long, but I’m like, fuck this.

    When I was driving home, trying not to cry, I thought about the difference between my anxiety levels (and how I was able to control them) while on Xanax and Valium, verses my good friend bud, verses nothing at all. And I decided that if I had a true and affordable choice, I would probably just stick with bud. Still, just like with pain storms, when I have an anxiety attack, the symptoms appear stronger and harder to manage with just bud.

    I guess what I’m saying is that it takes a combination of treatments to manage chronic conditions, and I’m so glad you’ve found progress with EMDR. Good for you. :)

    • Thanks. …and your right…a combo that works for an individual 😉 I actually don’t like it, its uncomfortable and it doesn’t seem to make complete sense to me …. but it’s kinda my last option …( weed aggravates it 😐 ) the fact that it’s subtly working is awesome! 😃

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