still processing

I tend to be introverted, reflective … analytical. It’s been my ‘go to’. It’s been where I was most comfortable. Overall though, this ‘go to’ has been put on the back burner and replaced with a slightly more ‘go with the emotion/flow’; ‘say what you feel’, kind of routine. It’s helped with the expressive part of me; its helped me to not fall into a dissociative role; its helped with the anxiety. In a previous post somewhere, I discovered that most of my anxiety / panic, came from the fear of not being able to express whatever was happening internally. Hence adopting the ‘say whats on your mind bitch’, routine.

However, over the last few days, I’ve come to a bit of a hiccup … as in, the things that I’ve come across, have stumped me and my response to them has been ‘unknown’; I’ve kind of returned to the ‘what do i think’, ‘what do i feel’, ‘how do i react’, ‘ lets not react at all’ .. place.

And I’m uncomfortable with it.

The shrink thing has me annoyed … doubting …

And I am trying to move back into the ‘its got more to do with her’ kind of response; than taking her bullshit remarks on board.

What rips my fucking ration book though, is that she is in the majority of peeps with that kind of fucked up thought. Hers has a hefty educational, institutional degree behind it. She also has one of those, ‘I am the professional, thou shalt not argue or disagree with my authority’ type batons to wield.

Unfortunately, i have never adhered to the professional or authoritative opinion or version of how things should be. Usually to my detriment.

Oh well … processing continues …


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