I’ve had insomnia ~ technical who-ha for, sleeping like shit ~ for … ever. 4 hours has always been a long sleep, 2-3 the norm. And it’s always been ‘aided’. Alcohol, drugs, combos, sleeping pills … exhaustion. And still only 2-4 hours at a time.
The last 5ish years have been a benzodiazepine rabbit hole shitfest.
I enjoyed being able to sleep, solid … but still only got 4-5 hours, if I was lucky.
And none of this takes into consideration the fucked up nightmares that have always accompanied sleep land … but that’s another story.
Anyway, I have had a love hate relationship with zoppys (as i affectionately called them) over the past 5 years. After a few years, realising they were addictive; thanks to Google, not the doctor grrrr … and then slowly trying to wean myself off’ve them.
Well that took another year or so but I finally did it about a month or so ago. Thank fuck!
But, its meant that I just have to roll with the no sleep thing, if it happens. On a good night, I’ll get 6 hours sometimes … and that’s pretty fucken impressive for me! The dreams can be vivid and sometimes hard to handle, but manageable, now I know whats what.
So, last night, I decided to try something new.
I was tired at 10pm, and this is usually when I start to get anxious and put on another movie and try to wait it out till I’m so exhausted I pass out lol.
Instead, I told myself it was 2.30am (my most usual bedtime time lol). I took a bit of convincing; but ended up curling up into a ball, closing my eyes and reciting that mantra ~ “its 2.30am, go to sleep and you’ll get at least 4 hours before morning”.
Well, whataya fucken know! It worked!
I went to sleep before 10.30pm (real time) and woke up at 6am (real time)!!!
Seven and a half hours sleep!!! Unaided!!!
Whoop whoop … Yah Me 🙂
And I got to thinking this morning…
Our time (society) is based on our culture. As in, in a place like Italy, Spain … an afternoon siesta is the norm, cos its too dam hot to do anything else … that’s part of their environment, the culture … its their norm. Western culture seems to be more to do with productivity and making money … keeping the economy rolling. We are ‘supposed’ to hit school, work before 9am, finish at 3pm, or 5pm (depending on what we do) … we rush to get there, rush to get home…we eat in a hurry…have fun in a hurry…sleep in a hurry. Sleep is based on the time we’re not ‘being productive’, or not working. It has nothing to do with ‘US’ … and our ebbs and flows.
And what I mean by that is … for me … I’ve always had a lull in energy in the afternoon; 230-3ish. Then I’m re-energised around 930-10pm, usually. But a working day/week, does not fit into that.
The ‘sicker’ I became, the more I had to listen to my insides/my intuition, and figure out what was best for me.
My sleeping patterns, PTSD altered or not, don’t fit with productive ‘normal’ society. My norm doesn’t fit their norm. IT doesn’t fit MY norm!
Which in essence means, I’ve got to find my own norm ~ which I am doing to varying degrees … but as far as making money, or returning to ‘the workforce’, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Strangely enough … I couldn’t give a rats ass.
I’ll find my own groove …
I think I’ll enjoy my own groove better 🙂