the last one … apparently

Would have been nice to have a decent heads up … but oh well. Apparently todays session with the shrink (psychologist) was the last one. As it turns out, ACC don’t allocate so many sessions, they allocate a timeframe … and apparently that timeframe is up. Did they let me know … No. Did they let the shrink know … Possibly. Have they paid the shrink yet … No. Assholes.

But anyway, with that rant out-of-the-way…

I have to focus on what I have achieved so far:

  • That I can walk to the mail box by myself.
  • Into the back yard by myself.
  • That I can walk to the shop by myself.
  • The beach by myself.
  • I can walk without a stick.
  • I can walk without the breath pacer thingy.
  • I can ride in the car.
  • I can ride in the front seat of the car.
  • I can sleep without medication now.
  • I can sleep up to 9 hours some nights.
  • The nightmares have minimised.
  • I know how to breathe my way through things.
  • I have tools for panic attacks that aren’t medication.
  • I’m not afraid of my feelings.
  • I know how to ground myself.
  • I know what I need to do to get my senses ‘un-heightened’.
  • I can talk to a stranger.
  • I can enjoy things.
  • I smile at things.
  • I smile at me :)

And there’s more, that I’ll keep reminding myself of over the next few days, so as not to freak out, that my main source of therapy, back up, re-training, life line has now been terminated.

Breath ….

kpm ©


30 thoughts on “the last one … apparently

  1. You’ve come a long way and have a right to be proud of your progress. But I have to say, I’m so very jealous of 9 hours of sleep… Do you think you can bottle that and sell it to me? :)

    • Thank you! Its been a long slow haul aight … but getting there ;)
      9 hours doesn’t happen all the time though … last night was 2 1/2 i think. Main thing for me has been not worrying about it. And some of it seems to have happened as I’ve sorted other stuff out. Mines mental pain though, yours is physical then affecting the mental… that i couldn’t even fathom longterm!!!.
      But I’ll work on the bottling up process and get it to you asap! :) And I’d give it to you on the house! !

      • I was just complaining to one of my internet friends about not being able to sleep, and he’s like, do this and this so you can relax. And I’m thinking, if you’re in so much pain that it’s impossible to be comfortable, it won’t matter how relaxed I am, I’m still not sleeping.

        I’m in so much pain, I want to punch someone. Any volunteers? :)

        • Exactly, physical pain is different … a tiny hell on earth I’d gather !!!
          And I have plenty of peeps that need a good smack to the moush – i’ll volunteer them! ;)
          But i reckon you onto something there … theres a dude my partner knows, from up north, who runs self defence classes for women. Well its evolved into having ‘special’ classes for women who have been abused, raped, sexually violated, recipients of domestic violence … because they were having issues with the whole personal space, safety thing. Well, he got some of his mates to volunteer to put on one of those police dog training suits … you know, big puffy things … and one woman at a time gets up, the dude kinda taunts them with whatever their ‘abuse’ thing is, and then the woman gets to beat the living shit out of the dude!!! The guy in charge said he’s been through untold volunteers as they get scared … apparently these chicks fire up and theres this deathly hate look in their eyes before they proceed to kick their asses. He reckons theres heaps of tears and its quite a deep thing that happens to everyone involved … for the good! Anyway, when my partner was telling me, i cried!!! Cos i think it would vent all thats going on inside… if you know what i mean. Sometimes the talking should stop and the ass kicking should commence!!! And YOU might need to find one of those!
          How meanly awesome would that be ay!!!

        • Funny, I just put a bunch of pretzels in a plastic bag, then proceeded to punch the shit out of them. (For the top of my salad.) Unfortunately, it’s not helping. I’m thinking I need a sledgehammer, because being knocked out appears to be the only way I’m going to get some sleep.

          Let’s hope I don’t start punching my laptop… :)

        • Hah! Sledgehammer sounds painful lol …
          Hey, have you ever tried Indigenous Remedies? You probably have … but here, before we were colonised, we had whats called rongoa … OUR medicine … mainly from plants or combos of, but our native growing plants; it was focussed on holistic health / full being. It was outlawed in about 1845ish, but is recently making a come back and thats because we have recognised that mainstream medicines aren’t working for us. And like you’ve said, our government keeps restricting or taking away stuff that works. Anyway, its been kinda hard to find some of the old people that know the old stuff but its getting out there slowly.
          Have you looked at your indigenous peoples old school remedies? Some of those, I would think would be available, plentiful and not restricted??!!!
          Other than that I can send you a couple boxes of tramadol and we have a few tabs of morphine ;)

        • I really appreciate your offer to break the law for me, but… don’t do that. Another pain patient sent me some Kratom, so I guess I’m going to be forced to try that. And I’m assuming that indigenous remedies include weed? I don’t know what I’m going to do about finding some… Saw an ad on Craig’s List the other day from a guy who bought some land and wants help growing, but what he really needs is help financing the grow. Too bad I’m too poor for that.

          Just wanted to add that you shouldn’t downplay the pain from mental illnesses, because you should know by now that I believe the brain deals with mental and physical pain in the same way. For instance, I don’t usually suffer from nightmares (when I can sleep), which I’m sure have haunted your nights.

          Time for some Alanis Morissette:

          “Must be strangely exciting
          To watch the stoic squirm”

          That’s me, the previously stoic, squirming. :)

          From the movie, The City of Angels. If you haven’t seen it, stop everything and do so right now! Why are you still reading this comment? Go pick up that movie right now!

        • LOL … thank you, thats kind! … enjoy .. and yes, i shall have a look now! Soon …
          …Indigenous is not necessarily weed, unless that was there before america was colonised … nah i mean native american remedies from the peeps that were in the land long before anyone else. They usually have a whole set of natural remedies that they used to use / still use?? worth a looksy on one of days / nights when you have nothing else to do :)
          I hope you enjoy the rest of your day … your salad and your movie :) I hope you find some relief soon!

        • I thought most women knew about the music of Alanis Morissette, but after thinking about it, I guess this is more like white people’s music. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I sometimes access movies on a free website, so I can give you the link if you want (so you can watch this awesome movie). Of course, it might not work where you live… And I have a small memory of already mentioning this free website to you, but… I’m old and in pain, so I could be wrong. :)

        • LOL .. well i grew up a white chick so alanis was in my music repertoire ;) And the movie i Putlockered last night, but not sure if it was the right one … was called The Crow – City of Angels, i think … was bit … weird?? !! But yes please, link away … i do YouTube for music most of the time but am down for free links .. .but I’m old and mentally ill … apparently ;)

        • No, dude, that’s not the right movie, but I’m laughing my ass off that you picked the wrong one. :D

          It’s the City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage. See if you can watch it on watchfree dot to.

        • Bahaha. .. u know as I was watching it, I thought, .. I think I overestimated this woman’s taste’ … so if u ever want a real laugh, find that movie and give it a watch … O M G. went straight to the top of my ‘should never be watched again’ list! 😆😄
          I shall try again 😂😂😂

        • I have to admit, I liked The Crow movies, but don’t hold it against me. :)

          When you use that free website, you’ll see a bunch of links on the right side of each page. They’re alternative places to watch the movie, in case the first one doesn’t work. But I would advise you not to use these other links, just the one that runs from that website. Do you know what I mean? Good luck.

          And if you don’t like the City of Angels with Meg Ryan, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore. :D

        • Hahaha … yep, i found it but had to go through another Putlocker link, think its got to do with our countrys link thingys lol sounds so technical … and am about to watch it now.
          And id never seen that crow thing before … thinking it would be better if you were trashed on some kind of medicinal sumthin sumthin lol.
          …so if it turns out this movie is shite … i just won’t tell you ;)

        • Okay .. just finished it … and that was not what i was expecting at all! It was sad!!! :( Oh I’m such a sooky lol

        • strangely enough i did! it should have had a tissue warning on it though :)
          oh they’ll arrive eventually bearing shitloads of ‘medicinal’ stuff, espousing undying love … and then … its over! According to that movie ! Thats so tragic!!! Sad .. I wanted a happier ending lol

        • I know, the ending sucks, but… Endings in real life are usually very sad, too. I’m so glad you liked it — now we can remain friends. :)

    • Yes it is typical! And thank you … I guess I have :) Certainly does deserve and celebratory coffee and brownie me thinks … now to find someone to celebrate with and preferably pay for it LOL ;)

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