Generally PTS(D) peeps, don’t wake up thinking … “OK, what shall we obsess over today? … Maybe a flashback or two? … Maybe an anxiety attack or three?”
But the thing with this bullshit is it is always hovering … just in the peripheral … waiting to KAPOW you in your blindside. Do we have a blindside? Post PTS(D) – YEP!
I was always able to keep my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted. As in, I was always prepared for the unpredictable and un-preparable. Then life gets wanky and you get all be-frazzled and you lose that edge.
The thing with PTS(D), is it runs like a backing track to some horror movie. And while that backing track is largely predictable (loud intense bellows right when the lights go out … or that incessant screechey sound as the main actor shuts the bathroom mirror … you know the one) … there is always that one shrill tone, usually as something steps out of the closet, that takes you by surprise. Yeah, well its the one that throws out your composed demeanour and you end up squealing like a little boy ;)
Well, thats how my PTS(D)-ness works.
And, this morning I figured out what that one shrill tone was. Actually, its more like a loud, grizzly grinding sound. Literally.
Theres tree trimming / pipe laying assholes over the road digging and ripping out all kinds of shit!
Stuff like that used to bug me no end and is some of the reason we moved out to the tranquil, peaceful beach life. And I guess I’ve progressed enough that all those sounds don’t bother me as much.
But over the last few days, we’ve had shit happening – daughters deciding they’re going to bleed family members dry; take off with their loser boyfriends … you know, run of the mill growing up shit – and thats been straining the feng shui of our delicate groove. But in the background to all of this, the twats over the road (who are just doing their dam jobs, yes I know) are ripping shit up! Literally! And its messing with my equilibrium! Which sent me into a putrid panic yesterday.
The thing with the intense incessant unfamiliar noise – for me – is: I can’t hear.
When I can’t hear I can’t assess danger.
When I can’t assess danger I am vulnerable.
When I am vulnerable I feel like a sitting duck.
Ahh, the old sitting duck scenario.
Sounds pathetic I know. But for me it is a reality and one I’m still untangling.
So today, as those ass hats keep ripping shit up, I am breathing … typing … drinking water … about to find ‘calming music’ to drown out their noise … I’ve locked the doors, so I am ‘technically’ safe … and I am going to find ice cream and a funny movie for later.
And thats about all that I can do. Wish Me luck ;)