I guess the ‘out working’ of ‘progress’ or healing is in the new shit that comes along and whether you respond or deal with it as you used to, or you try a new tactic.
As I’ve gone along, and made huge progress in some areas, I feel as though I’ve taken giant steps backwards as well. And in those moments (and theres been a few of them lately!), I keep trying to remind myself that I am making progress … my kind of progress.
We’ve been sent 2 wedding invitations in the past week.
On a ‘normal’ day for a ‘normal’ peep, these are either a ‘yippie’ moment or a shoulder shrugging groan moment. For me, the ptsd peep, they are both of those and then some …
What do I say? I can’t go? But do I want to go? If I say No what will happen? How many people will be there? Where is it? Are there exits? ? ? On and on the list of questions go.
So … this time … I wait to think frantically, and I wait to respond.
I want to respond differently.
What do I say? – “Whatever you want you good thing you”
I can’t go? – “Don’t then…but not because you can’t”
But do I want to go? – “One, possibly. Other, Hell NO!”
If I say No what will happen? – “Nothing. The earth won’t open up and swallow me. It will keep rotating”
How many people will be there? – “Ask uh duh”
Where is it? – “Ask also uh duh”
Are there exits?? – “Yes, theres always exits. And if there isn’t, you’ll make one. Your good like that”
And there it is … the internal conversation in all its madness, out in the open. And yes, it doesn’t look so scary after all 😉