The ground has been shaking again – more like big ass jolts – just enough to make you wanna piss yourself but not quite enough to roar into a full on panic.
My reaction – I’m getting angry.
Is that a normal response? Fuck Knows … it is what it is I guess …
I’m beginning to realise a few things though …
My go to response for most things that I am afraid of .. which has been generally on point thus far … Is to Run … Disappear …. Not be Here.
I’ve managed to do that in various ways throughout my life and is an A typical response from a victim of child sexual assault … blah blah blah.
I’ve known this – in my head. I understand the theory and the concept and the actioning of it.
I’ve dis-associated myself, removed myself, anesthetized myself to Run from things. That has been my form of ‘fight and flight’.
When you’ve been to small to literally Run or Fight, and to small to figuratively or intellectually Run or Fight, these things are your only options. And the mind and body are really quite marvellous things. They protect us / our psyches from some unreal shit.
But now I’m an adult. A big person. And I’m still running … its like my go too. And a lot of times, there’s a freedom in making a choice … to be able to choose a response. Which is why I respond to nearly everything and anything that fucks me off – that makes me feel trapped or without a choice.
But this … this round … is some new kind of fuckery … which I know with my head, I’ll be better off for, when I get the gist of it all.
You see … the earth moves … that’s natural … it does what it wants. Theres no predicting that shit. You can plan for it but you can’t predict it. It happens when its ready. Similar to a predator.
With PTS(D), the adrenalin is always pumping, readying for the ‘unpredictable’ … always watching, always taking note – taking notice …
But this is a threat, not from a person; not from a sickness … but from mother nature herself. And I can’t do a god damn thing about it. Even running is not a validated response … Run to where? It’ll still be shaking there!
It was last night after jolt number 2, I realised Running / Disappearing, is what I do. I do it emotionally, physically, mentally … I disconnect and disappear.
That response is not serving me well this time.
Thats whats making me angry.
What the fuck am I supposed to do if I can’t Run? If I can’t disconnect?
What are you supposed to do in the interim? Enjoy life?
I know if I can get some kind of understanding around this it’ll help with the panic attacks and not wanting to be certain places … it’s all connected to shit being unpredictable and Me being trapped.
Grrr. Fuckery, I tell yah!