heaven and earth moving …

The ground has been shaking again – more like big ass jolts – just enough to make you wanna piss yourself but not quite enough to roar into a full on panic.

My reaction – I’m getting angry.

Is that a normal response? Fuck Knows … it is what it is I guess …

I’m beginning to realise a few things though …

My go to response for most things that I am afraid of .. which has been generally on point thus far … Is to Run … Disappear …. Not be Here.

I’ve managed to do that in various ways throughout my life and is an A typical response from a victim of child sexual assault … blah blah blah.

I’ve known this – in my head. I understand the theory and the concept and the actioning of it.

I’ve dis-associated myself, removed myself, anesthetized myself to Run from things. That has been my form of ‘fight and flight’.

When you’ve been to small to literally Run or Fight, and to small to figuratively or intellectually Run or Fight, these things are your only options. And the mind and body are really quite marvellous things. They protect us / our psyches from some unreal shit.

But now I’m an adult. A big person. And I’m still running … its like my go too. And a lot of times, there’s a freedom in making a choice … to be able to choose a response. Which is why I respond to nearly everything and anything that fucks me off – that makes me feel trapped or without a choice.

But this … this round … is some new kind of fuckery … which I know with my head, I’ll be better off for, when I get the gist of it all.

You see … the earth moves … that’s natural … it does what it wants. Theres no predicting that shit. You can plan for it but you can’t predict it. It happens when its ready. Similar to a predator.

With PTS(D), the adrenalin is always pumping, readying for the ‘unpredictable’ … always watching, always taking note – taking notice …

But this is a threat, not from a person; not from a sickness … but from mother nature herself. And I can’t do a god damn thing about it. Even running is not a validated response … Run to where? It’ll still be shaking there!

It was last night after jolt number 2, I realised Running / Disappearing, is what I do. I do it emotionally, physically, mentally … I disconnect and disappear.

That response is not serving me well this time.

Thats whats making me angry.

What the fuck am I supposed to do if I can’t Run? If I can’t disconnect?

Fight?

Fight what??

What are you supposed to do in the interim? Enjoy life?

I know if I can get some kind of understanding around this it’ll help with the panic attacks and not wanting to be certain places … it’s all connected to shit being unpredictable and Me being trapped.

Grrr. Fuckery, I tell yah!


kpm ©


 

12 thoughts on “heaven and earth moving …

  1. I can relate, my panic attacks have been growing and more sporadic lately. Not that I ever have had perfect control over them, but I did feel I had at least ‘some’. It feels stupid pointlessly running from something whether its something non existent, something you can’t run from or something you shouldn’t. Even if you’re physically able to run, you’re still trapped in your brains decision to run in the first place. I’ve never been through a quake myself, but I’m pretty sure I’d be just as upset and frustrated and my brain would be reacting the same way. I wish I had some advice or tips on what I do….but I don’t… I usually just try to find some kind of distraction until the worst of the negative feelings go away. :S

    • Thankyou … yeah its some fucked up shit alright … and good description there … ‘still trapped in your brains decision to run in the first place’ … its a horrid place to be. I panic like this at the stop lights in town … i hate them .. but that happens … my brain gets wired with the ‘run bitch run’ sensation and its hard to come down from.
      I must say, its kind of cool finding out what happens in others peeps ‘panic’ moments … its not something others tend to want to share much … but its kind of helpful :) … and distraction is what i’m employing atm .. so far I’ve built bench seat; painted the picnic table and fixed it, rebuilt the bbq, cleaned the house more times than is necessary lol, mowed the lawns (yes, ME ;) ) at least 3 x, re dug the garden, baked, reorganised our rooms … oh and cleaned the oven (my most hated job!) … think I’m coming to the end of my distractions …. Thankyou for your kind words … and I hope you find some relief from the bloody things too!! xo

      • I totally agree, I think we don’t tend to share our experiences about it often….I think we get taught very early on to associate shame with panic and ‘unnecessary’ fear, so we just keep quiet about. In so many ways we know that never ends well…but old habits die hard. I find simple crafts or activities help a lot like adult colouring books or word searches (especially when I’m trying to get some shut eye and don’t want to get too active) then again sometimes the only way is to scrub EVERYTHING!

        • Yeah, your on to something there … with the shame / panic thing … I can relate to that but didn’t realise thats what it was about really, shame … bloody hell … I do try the colouring in book thing and that seems to help; depends if I’ve let it get to ‘big’, then its kinda hard to come back from … well, living and learning I guess ;)

  2. There are many ways that we learn to protect ourselves. Hiding is one of them. But in the end, you can’t hide from yourself. It’s okay to be angry at Mother Nature — it’s not like she cares. Seems like feeling the ground move beneath your feet is the same as how PTSD makes you feel. Like you have no control. Control is a wonderful thing, but often, it’s just an illusion.

    When you’re faced with an enormous wind, you bend with it, not expend energy trying to fight it. :)

    • Ahhh words of the wise :) Yes, it does seem to be the same thing for me … I’ve nutted out the ‘logistics’ e.g. I’m not scared of the ground opening up, or shit falling or breaking or even a tsunami for that matter … its the lack of control … and your right, it is an illusion .. but an illusion that i’ve embedded myself in for so long it kinda feels like I’m being beaten around the head with a short club whilst waking up from that illusion!
      The wind analogy … I’ve heard it before but with water … My mamas iwi have a saying … ‘Ko au te awa. Ko te awa ko au’ (I am the river. The river is me), and that has to do with the same thing … that water doesn’t fight it moves around whatever it is … bends, so to speak.
      Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou … think you may have just given me my answer :) … now to figure out water bending ;)

      • I lived in California for a couple of years and was unlucky enough to experience an earthquake. No, I wasn’t worried about the ground opening up and swallowing me whole (although I certainly thought about it). I think it was the aftershocks that bothered me the most. They always seemed to happen when I was trying to sleep. And then when they stopped, I still awoke in the middle of the night, thinking it was another aftershock (or earthquake). I think sometime in the future, the whole state of California is going to fall into the sea. Not in my lifetime, of course.

        How can someone feel stable when the ground is moving beneath their feet? Oh, those in California say they’re more scared of hurricanes. Well, that’s just a lot of wind and rain. And I like the wind and the rain. :)

        • So you get it … they’re freaking horrible things! And yes the aftershocks are the bitch … I feel for the dudes down south, where most of these earthquakes are centred atm … its similar to the ones our country had a few years ago but they were centred in Christchurch. Plenty of people ditched that town and moved up north to get away from the aftershocks. The night of the first big quake we were just about to go sleep so yes its disturbed the sleeping again! … I’ve never experienced a hurricane, and have no desire too! The rain I love, the wind, not so much … makes me feel unsettled ;)

        • Does it??!! Thats what my partner says … but in a more ‘manly’ way lol … it freaks me out … not as much as earthquakes though … .I must experiment one day, with this wildness thing you speak of ;) Its ‘windy’ season here atm.

        • Think of it this way… If you were a kite, the wind could make you fly. If you were a bird, you could soar in the bright blue sky.

          In California, they have the Santa Ana winds. During this time, I walked with a co-worker to lunch. Little old lady who didn’t weigh very much at all. On our way back, I could’ve sworn that the wind almost took her away. I don’t know about you, but pretending to be Superwoman, like I could fly, is… wild. :)

        • Hah!!! I think you may have changed my mind – hard thing to do … but that description sounds gangster LOL!!!

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