I’ve learnt from my last exercise, ‘365 reasons to smile’, that some shit takes time … that I’ve been conditioned a certain way, and all the talking in the world hasn’t changed the facts, and never will. But the slow, subtle chipping away at it and reconciling it technique … well, that’s working for me.
I’ve learnt that pts(d) is part of Me. It’s part of everything I am. Some of that’s good and some of thats … not so good .. so to speak. The bit that I really really don’t like is the panic attacks and the nightmares; and whilst they have minimised over the last couple of years, they are still ever looming. Both of these, I’d gladly kick in the asshole just to be rid of them completely.
I’ve got shit that I want to do this year … and every year thereafter –
- Go to my Art collective.
- Go out for dinner and possibly get rotten drunk.
- Go shopping for clothes – by myself.
They’re not huge things … but I actually want to do this shit without having to cringe every time I head out the door.
So here I am, at it again. And the intention, this time, is for Me to start to learn to appreciate who I am; who I really am. What it has taken Me to be Me. Where I’ve come from and what makes Me who I am.
Now this is a doo-zy for Me.
I realised part way through last year, that I don’t really understand the strength in Me, that has gotten Me this far. Oh, I get it; in increments … but I don’t really, really GET IT. And I think that if I got it, then I wouldn’t give myself such a hard time. The love, acceptance and encouragement that I have pumped into my kids and mokos over the years … yeah, well some of that needs to be pumped into Me.
So, this “who I really Am” thing; this essence thing … is called “Mauri”:
1. (noun) life principle, vital essence, special nature, a material symbol of a life principle, source of emotions – the essential quality and vitality of a being or entity.
It is my hope, my attempt; that as I unfold and inspect who I am; my Mauri; I will be able to reconcile this element of Me.
So, welcome to yet another part of My hikoi ;)