fuck you panic.

& as I was re-reading (2018), I realised just how long this feeling has been present … nearly 19 months, and I’m only just starting to get a slight grip on it.

I think that somewhere in here, it got too overwhelming and I did the ‘shut down’, and have possibly been slightly … actually abit more than slightly … devoid of emotion.

It’s been a hard fight to even stay slightly balanced. But I think the more I’ve ignored whatevers going on, the worse I’ve gotten.

I’ve taken to listening a bit more intently to my feng shui of late, and even though its fucking uncomfortable, it aint nothing compared to this fuckery.

Not sure whats going on in head … body … world … I feel anxious, but don’t really understand why. Theres no apparent reason … oh other than feeling like crap. And thats been going on for awhile now … my body is doing funky things I mean. My head hurts … my guts hurts … my body hurts … my whole personage feels dizzy and uneasy … and I feel like I’m moaning my ass off for no apparent reason … other than everything hurts … and I don’t know why.

And the ‘whys’ … is thats whats causing this overwhelming anxious nauseating feeling? Is that dread? Good old fear again?

Whatever it is, its starting to fuck me off cos its messing with my feng shui again. I went to our local shop the other day, just for something small … and panicked when I got to the counter. Now that hasn’t happened for bloody ages! I ended up gaping it and leaving my partner to do the rest. I took off outside and tried breathing deeply etc but by that time everything was starting to spin and everything got loud … it freaked me out … like I said, it hasn’t happened like that, for a long time … not here anyway … not in my own backyard! I get the car … in the city etc … but here has felt kinda safe for along while now and I don’t like it being fucked with … This took me 2 days to ‘come down’ from. Fark … not cool.

Whats going on Me? ….

kpm ©


7 thoughts on “fuck you panic.

  1. I think the most debilitating part about anxiety is that it strikes its worst when we think we have it beat/managed. I get really uncomfortable when I have an anxiety/panic attack in public and that adds to how bad I feel and definitely adds to how long it takes for me to recover. Normally I do the same as you… I try to remove myself from the situation ASAP even if that means leaving the man to fend for himself for a moment in a grocery store. I’m assuming it took a lot out of you physically so I’d say rest up, don’t be too hard on yourself and try to stay as stress free as possible to fend off any extra anxiety related to the event itself. If you’re into visualization at all, I try to imagine my anxiety is like birds or butterflies on a perch, taking off and flying away and a weight being lifted.

    • Thankyou xoxo that made me cry for some freaky reason lol.
      And yes, it feels like I had a handle on it and then it kicks me in the teeth when I’m not looking … or have gotten to relaxed! Its cruel really! It took the wind outta my sails alright and I haven’t ventured out again yet … which annoys me too grr … but yes your right, stress free for awhile, re-coup and try again. I haven’t done a lot of visualisation … I’m a realistic sort of visualiser which tends to not work lol … but it is something I’m trying to work on to. I ended up in the featal position this morning reciting the mantra my psychologist went through … ‘I’m a big girl now’ … felt like a dam fool, but it seemed to work. focusing on the fact that i’m not little and don’t need to be frightened anymore.
      I do think I’ve become a little complacent maybe? And will go back to my breathing exercises etc … its a cruel thing xo

      • It’s amazing how quickly we can slack on our self care when we start to feel a little more relaxed or our symptoms lessen for a while. I do hope you are feeling better and that taking care of yourself and breathing is helping a butt load. xoxo

  2. I just diagnosed you with “Pre-Trump Syndrome”. Go have a couple shots of tequila, some good Tex-Mex and dance where he plans for his wall to go.

    • Hahahaha … well, is that what it is! I’m guessing I’m not the only one with that! But that sounds like a very fine solution :) And I may just alter it slightly for some other pressing issues! I like your style sir :)

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