And unfolding as I do …
Me and the partner had a ripper of a ‘discussion slash disagreement slash argument’ that turned into tears and a deeper discussion than what i was prepared for …
I’ve had this overwhelming, can’t shake it – sense of fear (unrecognised) and discontent and anxiety … and one of my least favourite things in the world – fake-ness.
And as I’ve said recently, my body has been doing weird ass shit. It’s sore. It’s sick … more than usual. I think I had the flu a few months ago and from there it’s been one thing (not majors, but annoying shit) after another. Culminating with a kick ass gutts ache and nausea and then a UTI, which I haven’t had for freaking years!
And as I’ve managed, just … I’ve dreamed some weird ass shit as well … and I’ve managed … just.
And at the peak of all that sick and anxiety, I felt kind of desperate.
And … and …
Then me and the partner collided … well over due … and I remembered this shit;
a. he’d stopped talking to me … had gone into silent sulky mode, quite awhile ago…and I’d written about it, but left it there.
b. i had the bitch ass psych assessment that I’d been waiting like, forever, for … and it was stressful as fuck … and, the partner, and no other cunt … gave two shits.
c. and then there was this: the flashback fucker that I tried to brush off …
And like a big fat eureka, that happens when you least expect it … it dawned on me:
…. … … … … . when I had this flashback fucker back at the beginning of November 2016, I ‘actively’ tried to take a ‘positive stance’ about it and I ‘actively’ ignored.
Now generally the two don’t have to go hand in hand … as I have discovered. Being all happy clappy doesn’t necessary mean that you put your head in the sand and pretend like everything is sunshine and roses when it is clearly not.
But at this point, I believe I did what I actually despise.
I shoved my head in the sand. So far in the sand I forgot to take it out.
And whilst ruminating on sand particles, my body tried to give me quite a few ‘warning signals’ …. “hey bitch … ahhh, you bn down there enuf now … time to face it … hey, you … bitch …. ”
But instead, I switched her annoying voice off too.
But my body and mind will only put up with so much.
My entire life … yes thats right … my entire life … has been a shit storm of denial to make others comfortable … confrontation followed by a slap down followed by more denial … don’t speak, don’t yell, don’t have a fucken opinion … don’t cry … don’t annoy anyone … don’t smile, don’t frown … just DON’T.
And for safety sakes sometimes … I did just that … I didn’t …
Didn’t respond, didn’t cry, didn’t yell, didn’t rock the boat …
Inside I did … and inside I died a little bit every day.
But I am as stubborn as fuck and I always knew I would come back … come out … eventually. And I did.
BUT, and heres the but …
When I ACTIVELY choose to put my head back in the sand for no other reason than i am too pussy to deal with shit right now … I suffer the consequences of that …
And that is the WHY ,
the anxiety, the dreams, the sick, the sore gutt, the ignoring the partner, the partner ignoring me, the fake-ness, the no energy, the panic, the tension, the fucking fear.
I fear being back where I was.