I learnt a hard lesson a little while ago, about keeping my list of ‘gripes’, or stuff that’s bugging me; to a minimum. If I don’t, I pay for it dearly later on down the track.
Theres a few things that bug me generally. Those things, are the ‘isms. Racism. Sexism. And generally speaking, these can look different to different peeps, but for me, they’re about being underestimated, degraded and/or violated because of another’s perception of skin colour and gender. Thats the short version.
In amongst it all, the biggest thing for me is my perception relating to ‘the right to choose’. Thats HUGE. If you take away my right to choose or try to control me in any way shape or form … there is usually hell to pay!
Where is all this fancy dialogue taking me?
To my father.
Yes, the dude that now has more to do with me in the last few months (since my sister’s death), than he’s had to do with me in my en-tire life. I thought I was doing Oh Kay – whilst finding it a little annoying, I have been trying to be ‘respectful’, if that’s even a justifiable thing .. i dunno really .. but with the thought in mind, that he is my father/sperm donor/whatever … we’re related .. by blood … anyway .. you get what i mean, i hope.
I wanted to give the whole ‘relationship’ thing the benefit of the doubt … give it time … remain calm … centred … and hopefully open-minded.
Our ‘discussions’ on video calling have consisted of a brief intro – ‘how yah doing’ – sort of thing followed closely by him going on about his land here (he has lived most of my life – and his – in Australia, but has land back here) … and building a house on it … like … asap. It’s about the only thing we have ‘in common’ … the ‘wanting too build’ part anyways.
I’ve listened to him going on about this for the last few months; tried to make small talk relating to houses to build, finances etc … I know abit about this sort of shit … because it interests me. It occurs to me one day though, that he’s not on the same page as me, at all.
After a little digging … and checking in with my mama, I’ve come to the conclusion that father is trying to ‘make up’ for all his fuck ups and since he’s just lost a daughter and is feeling the ‘mortal coil’ unravel, due to ill-health … he thinks building a house on some land, where he can live till he ditches life and where we can all go ‘if we have nowhere to go’ … will make everything better in his world.
Amen. Guilt subsides.
a. I don’t do guilt trips so haven’t actively pursued the ‘your a bastard’ routine in the hopes to get some kind of time and attention from him.
b. I had to clarify with a male … that this is a male thing. Because I don’t really get it. Maybe similar to a mama leaving tea in the oven for her kids?? I dunno … but I don’t get it … and I don’t think he realises … I’m nearly 40 fucking 5!
I needed him 20, 30 years ago.
We’re done. It’s gone … it’s too late.
I’m here for some kind of adult catch up / not make up – relationship. Lets move on.
Anyways … with this in mind … you can imagine my rather shocked state when father rings yesterday, and after brief ‘intros’, launches into a tirade of:
- i dont want you to protest
- dont protest on Facebook or anywhere else
- keep your opinions to yourself
- don’t make trouble for us
Oh, and there was more … pretty much showing him up as an ignorant racist, against his own people!
It felt like I was in the twilight zone … and still does a little.
But summed up … I realised, he doesn’t know me, not one little bit! There is no-way, no-how, He or anyone can order me to Not do something!! Let alone, not knowing the reasons i ‘respond’ or even caring about the causes I respond too!
As I tried to politely tell him to get fucked he continued with his tirade and told me I was stubborn and needed to find something, or someone to ‘bow’ too … it’d do me good apparently.
So, lets add ‘sexist’ to his shining achievements!
It would seem that my sister was compliant … that she didn’t rock the boat with either my father or her mother … she didn’t disagree or disappoint them.
Unfortunately for him, I am not my sister.
He was a little taken aback by my bluntness with him, but little did he realise that I was being ‘restrained’!
I’ve talked to my mama and I’ll vent on my blog; process and shit for a few days, maybe weeks … until I can find some peace in it all.
This is an unfinished rant … and definitely a disjointed sort of post … but its something I’m still processing …
you see, to carry on a relationship with this person is going to take some strength … and some knowledge, that I don’t possess right now. This is the sort of person I wouldn’t ring back; visit or waste my breath on.
But he’s my father.