pre-phone call debrief …

Yes … I will be ringing father later on today.

It’s been a hard one to shake off, and all I feel now is anger. Not debilitating anger … more, ‘who the fuck are you?’ anger. It’s quite empowering.

The partner is over me talking about it … but that’s too bad ;) I’ve listened too many of his rants on pointless shit for many years … I told to suck it up and pretend he’s listening lol. He did.

He seems to think I don’t want to hurt my fathers feelings, and after initially being slightly offended, I had to concur.

Whats interesting, is it’s a new thing for Me. Which I’ve said before … but I’m used to cutting shit off … not necessarily ‘letting it go’, but cutting it off without a second thought … like de-friending or un-following ;)

And it took a shitload of time to get to that place … I had cling-ons for years … which I slowly but surely weeded out.

My father had never really been on the radar. Not in terms of ‘getting to know a niggah’ anyways.

I had to sort through my feelings about him without him being present. I don’t know him. I neither like him or dislike. He is no more or less than the lady at the dairy that sells me smokes on a Wednesday morning.

That has changed since my sister died. It seemed more pertinent to establish some sort of connection with him … or get to know him at least … or let him remain in my life at the least, least.

How this is supposed to look? I dunno!

But today I’m going to take the proverbial bull by the horns and try to get a few things clear. It’ll be like wadding through a muddy pond, but I’ll give it a go.

I’m simplistic … not stupid … but simplistic.

And I need to know his intent.

Now, as a pts(d) peep, intent, or the gutt feeling of intent, is all I have ever worked with. This has meant that if I feel there is a hidden agenda and it feels unsafe then I ‘flee motherfucker flee’. I’ve come to realise that this a perfectly respectable way of dealing with shit when it’s coming at you left right and centre. And trusting my gutt instinct has never really seen me wrong.

However, I am now equipped with a few more skills and a little more patience … believe it or not.

So even though my gutt says, ‘cut him off’, I am going to enquire as to his intent before I make my final decision.

I have a fishy feeling that he is just a little fucked up and doesn’t really know what he’s doing and is reacting and acting as he thinks is expected of him.

What he doesn’t realise about me though; because he doesn’t know me at all … is that I don’t believe in expectations. I’m a realist.

It’s going to be an interesting conversation indeed …

Considering I only had crappy moccona coffee this morning and not my usual freshly ground coffee beans … it could be a little more challenging!


6 thoughts on “pre-phone call debrief …

  1. I’m rather fond (maybe too much?) Of just cutting anything or anyone out of my life if I consider them poison. I do wonder if maybe it’s me…. I don’t speak to my parents, son, brother, cousins and various (ex) friends, but at the end of the day I have to live my life the way I (and I emphasis i) see fit. Falling out with people is normal, I understand that, and that’s where I think maybe I over react. But at least everyone knows where they stand with me, I do not suffer fools (or judgemental people) gladly. We have to do what makes us happy in life, within the law and human decency of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou for your thoughts … I like to hear what other people consider ‘their’ norm; just for a balance I spose. I’ve done the cutting off for so long I don’t have many left to cut off lol .. but its done me good .. this time however, I’ve put a little more thought into it … just because its my father and I havent had a relationship with him … and I don’t know that he’ll be around much longer.
      But I completely agree, we each have to do what fits us the best!

      Liked by 1 person

      • People (predominantly my husband) tell me “make amends with your parents, you’ll regret it when they have gone” but I did offer an olive branch, OK maybe it was a twig rather than a branch, but I did invite them (my parents) to my wedding. They made their choice, I’m never going to force their hand. All I know is, if I don’t look out for me, then nobody else will do that either. I sleep well at night, I think that tells me I have made the right choices for me.

        Liked by 1 person

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