Yes … I will be ringing father later on today.
It’s been a hard one to shake off, and all I feel now is anger. Not debilitating anger … more, ‘who the fuck are you?’ anger. It’s quite empowering.
The partner is over me talking about it … but that’s too bad ;) I’ve listened too many of his rants on pointless shit for many years … I told to suck it up and pretend he’s listening lol. He did.
He seems to think I don’t want to hurt my fathers feelings, and after initially being slightly offended, I had to concur.
Whats interesting, is it’s a new thing for Me. Which I’ve said before … but I’m used to cutting shit off … not necessarily ‘letting it go’, but cutting it off without a second thought … like de-friending or un-following ;)
And it took a shitload of time to get to that place … I had cling-ons for years … which I slowly but surely weeded out.
My father had never really been on the radar. Not in terms of ‘getting to know a niggah’ anyways.
I had to sort through my feelings about him without him being present. I don’t know him. I neither like him or dislike. He is no more or less than the lady at the dairy that sells me smokes on a Wednesday morning.
That has changed since my sister died. It seemed more pertinent to establish some sort of connection with him … or get to know him at least … or let him remain in my life at the least, least.
How this is supposed to look? I dunno!
But today I’m going to take the proverbial bull by the horns and try to get a few things clear. It’ll be like wadding through a muddy pond, but I’ll give it a go.
I’m simplistic … not stupid … but simplistic.
And I need to know his intent.
Now, as a pts(d) peep, intent, or the gutt feeling of intent, is all I have ever worked with. This has meant that if I feel there is a hidden agenda and it feels unsafe then I ‘flee motherfucker flee’. I’ve come to realise that this a perfectly respectable way of dealing with shit when it’s coming at you left right and centre. And trusting my gutt instinct has never really seen me wrong.
However, I am now equipped with a few more skills and a little more patience … believe it or not.
So even though my gutt says, ‘cut him off’, I am going to enquire as to his intent before I make my final decision.
I have a fishy feeling that he is just a little fucked up and doesn’t really know what he’s doing and is reacting and acting as he thinks is expected of him.
What he doesn’t realise about me though; because he doesn’t know me at all … is that I don’t believe in expectations. I’m a realist.
It’s going to be an interesting conversation indeed …
Considering I only had crappy moccona coffee this morning and not my usual freshly ground coffee beans … it could be a little more challenging!