So the phone conversation / video call, that was scheduled with my father, and that I had been ‘deep breathing’ for … happened.
I’m glad I’d cleared my head and got most of what was bugging me out into the blog-osphere … it definitely helped!
As we started out, I could feel my heckles rising lol … doesn’t take much these days though. Instead of reacting I sort of, stepped back from the screen so I could observe my fathers entire manner … not just what was coming out of his mouth.
He seemed calmer. More certain.
He’s finally booked his ticket and lands in NZ on Monday.
I asked him why he was coming back … why he was really coming back:
And I finally got the truth.
Yes: He’s aware time is ticking … and he has regrets … but more than that, he has things to make peace with. Not just Me … but his family and the things he went through.
I knew a little bit about this … but my father talked about being beaten as a kid … severely … being chained to the front verandah because his asthma was annoying his drunk father … being so beaten and broken, he couldn’t go to school and his mother made excuses for him.
Finally his mother, my grandmother, sent him away to live with his sister and her partner. The partner beat my father as well. My father was 14 when he left that home and started living rough and working wherever and whenever he could.
Eventually the system caught up with him and his was put into a ‘boys home’; where he was beaten again.
Not surprisingly, when my father left that place and could … he drank.
20-30 years later; and he is slowly remembering things; events places, people.
Part of coming ‘home’ is to find the place his mother was raised. To make peace with the dark part of him that he’s ignored for so long.
Now that explanation … I understood perfectly.
And strangely enough, our conversation took a completely different turn. He calmed completely and looked pretty content.
And I felt some type of empathy or sympathy for him.
I get what he’s doing now. And I can completely dig that … however it comes out as he processes what he needs to with his family, is bound to get ugly … but its necessary.
Strange how shit turns out.
But I am a seeker and finder of truth. In the truth I can find intent; and vice versa. And in all of this I can make peace with a large chunk of myself that I thought would never get seen too ;)