there once was: a definite, part two

where was i:

thats right. the beginning of being hung. ham strung hung. done. dung done.

fucked … in other words. the beginning of letting ones self be fucked over.

Indignantly, I might add.

any who …

fight one, lead to a steady decline … in confidence … just a little chip at first.

enough to matter.

then came the overbearing confidence … in him. known as a shift in power. politely known as a shift in balance. a shift none the less.

‘whats that green shit you drink … (not a question)

‘why are you such a drama queen … (also not a question)

‘sensitive? just an anal fucker … (also not a question)’

as an analytic, pondering on a response, i thought discussion was what was being called for. a thrashing out of the issues … to get to the bottom of possible exuding aggressive behaviours.

and then a twitch.

what if he’s right. what if i am. i am a bit. is that why? is that why i’ve been battling for so long, trying to be heard? is that why? is it?

self-reflection. cool. but not so cool.

and another little bit of me chipped off.

not only did i let the conceited aggressive criticism hit my surface … i also let it sink in. muddy the waters. sink further.

remove some more confidence.

and as i filled in the job application … the job of my dreams i thought. that i had studied 5 years for …

i wondered … could i really do this? what if he’s actually right … that i am not what i think i am. that i am a loser.

it would follow.

i should have stopped it there.

but once i’ve started something, i make sure i see it through, goddammit.

and as my insides hollowed out just a little bit more, and my grip on reality lessened, and my daughters well being seemed to be over ridden by a looming sook who wanted everything … now …

i started to re-neg.

on me.

me.

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2 thoughts on “there once was: a definite, part two

  1. Hey you…reality check from moi. 🙂 Anyone and everyone who finds it necessary to try and destroy anyone else’s confidence, character, beliefs, basically the core of WHO that someone is, is TOXIC. Its like drinking poison everyday, hoping that one day, it’ll actually help you. After all, you believe the poison has come from a ‘trusted source’. Think of old Snow White…that’s were you are…Snow White…well, perhaps it’s time you took a few pages out of the wicked stepmother’s book? In the end, we really ARE ok, albeit a threat to the stupid. You can’t fix stupid, no pills on the market sadly, or you could pop them into toxic’s drink!

    Liked by 1 person

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