there once was: a probs defs, pt #four

i didn’t go with the pou-pou that night. i should have.

what would i have said-ith though?

what i said to the doctor; days later; when my vision was still blurry?

‘i hit my head’


when i was returned home, that lady; the mother of -saw the welt on the back of my head. but she said nothing. told me her son was ‘high spirited’. loud. what had i done?

i retreated. curled up into a little ball and wailed on the floor. for a day. or maybe 2. i can’t remember now.

‘how did i get here’ resounding in my ears. and those that i did tell; friends; they also looked like ‘how did you get there’

but i was there.

and from here, or there, it was almost written in stone.

i knew the outcome. but hoped for a different one. a different story.

‘you were being nasty

‘you were flirting with them

‘you drank too much

‘you, you, you ….’


as i uncoiled though, enough reasoning to know …

‘i can’t do this; not like this … it’s not my way.’

all i got was a cuddle.

and the was suffice enough to make it all ok.


i started my new job. that i’d worked so hard to get. sacrificed so much time and tears to get.

i can do this.

and i did.

i did the fuck out of it.

i moved fast. i was concise and precise.

i learnt. and i concurred.

a year later, i had ticked all the boxes and moved in to the ‘management’ section of the place. where i thought i could do more good.


and at home.

i was a mongrel.

well thats what i was told.

‘no dinner.

‘you’re anal.

‘you’re too noisy.

‘you’re too tidy.

‘why don’t you sleep?

‘you nag.

‘you a buzz-kill’

on and on and on and on  and on    and on.

and i paid the rent when it didn’t.

and the power. both of them.

and the phone bills. all of them.

i paid to get myself out of those hideous joint accounts that had been set up in trust and transparency.

i paid the student loans i’d taken to get that kick ass education to get my this awesome fucken job, where i’d help the world, possibly change the world … yeah i paid that shit.

i bought the food … or lack of it sometimes.

i paid the school fees; extra tuitions …

and then all the other little and big things that just happen …

yeah i paid that shit.

‘thought we were going halves?’

‘why do you always go on (not a question)

you’re trying to control me … ‘

so i tried a little harder …

family day?


date night?


Oh no, hang, there was 1.

surprise birthday?

Surprise! where is it?

Its not here … its drinking piss with a mate … not here.

theres was the graduation day …

and night …


there was the lunch that never happened.

the trip that never happened.

the concert i sat and waited at.

the ride that never came.

the first ever ‘you are about to have your fucken power cut off bitch’ notice that came.

the car that never showed up.

the coffee that was 4 hours late.

the dinner that was 6 hours late.

the ‘i’ll be home soon’ that took 16 hours.

the milk that never came.

the meat, form the grocery store, that never came.

the phone calls that never happened.

and then there was the silence.

the long drawn out silences, that i absolutely abhorred.

in a cloud of smoke and tears.


‘how the fuck did i end up here’

and i didn’t notice large chunks of my hair coming out.

or the clothes that weren’t fitting anymore.

i figured it was work.

and it was.

glorious job of the decade was also the most fucken backwards, two faced, hypocritical job … ever.

we weren’t there to save the world.

we were the proverbial ambulances at the bottom of the cliff.

and as i got sicker. more hospital check ins. more doctors visits. more money out the door. more frail. more worn down.

my grandfather died.

and i died just a whole lot of a little … along with him.

and then the pedo came.

and the tension mounted.

i vomited.

and just a whole lot more of me … disappeared.

‘how the fuck did i get here’


2 thoughts on “there once was: a probs defs, pt #four

  1. There’s this ‘angel’ called Lucifer. He is the most beautiful seemingly amazing Angel of them all. He is charming and everyone is drawn to his beauty in every way.
    At the time, you didn’t see Lucifer, you saw an Angel
    At the time, you believed you were good enough, until Lucifer cleverly and slowly broke you
    At the time, you believed you were safe. Lucifer would take care of you, and when he failed you blamed yourself
    At the time, you believed you needed to prove yourself, after-all, Lucifer AND others would applaud you
    At the time, you felt ‘safe’
    At the time you believed and had honest hope that it was all just a matter of you not doing enough, not being pretty enough, not wearing the right clothing…even though you scrubbed your skin raw in the shower
    At the time, you still felt unclean as Lucifer is cunning…but
    At the time, all you saw, was an Angel, not the Demon.
    At the time You were totally INNOCENT
    So now, at this time, you’re curled up in a heap on the kitchen floor, hoping the rats don’t eat you. After-all, at this time, you are broken, anything is possible, or so you think.
    Now at THIS time, it is time, to stop being hard on yourself, to love yourself, to stop wondering WHY? Because..
    Any one who sees a beautiful Angel, cannot possible see the Demon behind the mask.

    Liked by 1 person

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