I had the most amazing and slightly frustrating day yesterday. And I’m stilling processing it…but I live to tell the tale…
I attended my Grandsons school talent quest performance. He plays the drums, and he’s dam good!
For me though, getting there is always a mission, a mish that is harder on some days, easier others. So once again, I gathered up all my beepy bits, as I like to call then; my ‘sensory bag’ (it was originally going to be a box, but has turned into more of an overnight luggage bag lol), which contains things that are intended to ‘reconnect’ myself with the present…so if I disassociate whilst having the all glorious panic attack, I am, in theory, able to bring myself back to the here and now via touch, smell, sight and/or sound. Well that’s the theory anyway.
So with my sensory luggage bag in tow, and after a bit of deep breathing, I donned my dark glasses, got my ‘pillow and blanky’ and tentatively headed for the front seat of the car. I managed about 7 minutes before my sight started blurring and my heart rate started to increase. Once I had got a decent sweat on and felt like vomiting I decided to move to the backseat. It’s not as ‘in your face’ as the front. Anyways, I gave myself a high-five, felt a little defeated because I hadn’t done longer, but oh well.
In the back seat now, my heart was still racing and I was still feeling nauseous and dizzy and sweaty…lovely combination lol. But I breathed…tried listening to something soothing…then a comedy track (comedy…laughter usually gets my coherence in balance again) …. but this wasn’t really working either. I ended up blocking my ears and closing my eyes, and breathing deeper. By the time Id pretty much levelled out, we were at our destination…yah!
We had about an hour to pass before the performance, so I breathed a bit more and tried to distract myself with conversation and enjoying my other Grand-babies. They are very beautiful.
Then came the school. We walked a couple of minutes….and walked into a large enclosed hall with about 200 children and 100 adults. OMG. I realised immediately this was possibly a wee bit too much lol. But I really really wanted to see my Grandson perform. I was looking in my bag for the ear plugs I had…I had figured it would be quite loud and the ear plugs, in theory would diminish a bit of that noise. Lessen the anxiety. Well I couldn’t find those bastards and had to gather myself before I shot off into a panic about not finding them to lessen the noise to lessen the panic! For fucks sakes!
So breathing deeply, I watched a couple of kids do their performances first. Bad singing and dancing. Completely rottenly judgemental I know….but oh well. But as I started to get a sense of the room and what was happening around me…I became more uncomfortable. [Btw…I was with my partner, grown children and their babies…one of my girls has an amazing way of lightening every moment and being herself…completely. She makes me laugh…they both do actually…and laughter is good for the soul and the coherence ;) ]
Anyway…the room…it was really quiet. The room/school was pre-dominantly ‘white’ and ‘uptight’. That’s a bit of a generalisation I know….but my girls were educated in an ‘all brown’ school…spot the palangi type place. And while that had its hurdles, it was open…comforting…peaceful…like home. This place was…awkward…like a church or a courtroom; the kind of place that you couldn’t fart in just in case it was louder than was intended. And that’s what everyone looked like! Like they hadn’t farted in years…or desperately needed too but couldn’t or wouldn’t.
I had to try to keep my focus on why I was there and that I wanted to see moko perform. He’s so lovely…my first Grandbaby, (7 years old btw), and an absolute beautiful creation. He has such a wise old soul; big brown knowing all eyes. And as he’s gotten older, he manages to challenge everyone and everything; their values, their theories, their realities. He’s gorgeous…he actually reminds me of how I used to be lol and what I’m trying to return too.
So when he gets up to perform, everything’s quiet…uptight quiet…and we are waiting for his music to come on. And it didn’t – turns out the teacher thought his musical choice was ‘inappropriate’ pfft. So the silence extended slightly…then he started anyway…on the fly, he pulled a piece out of his musical repertoire and smashed those drums like there was a full on Metallica concert happening…and he was the only one invited! He rocked! And I was so excited…I felt so proud and in love with my awesome moko!
And guess what…in that moment…not a hint of any type of anxiousness happened…no increased heart rate nonsense…no, ‘I think I’m gonna pass out’ bullshit…Just sheer joy and pleasure!!!
I’m still recovering from my expedition…but it was soooooo worth it!
Love you moko xoxo
First Published on: May 24, 2015 @ 12:49 <3
+ As I read over these old posts, I am reminded how far I’ve come and how fucking gangstah I actually am ;)
July 22nd 2017, @1236 <3