This post, rant, ramble … has been sitting in my frontal lobe somewhere, for a while now. I tend to brood or process this sorta shit for awhile, before I come to any factual conclusions.
Have I come to any factual conclusions?
I’m still theorising, as I do.
So heres the dilly …
I have a couple of friends going through the ‘cheating’ dilemma. Now I’m not wanting to minimise any of their actions or feelings. Or to talk about their lives specifically. Thats not my intention here. It’s just that with whats been happening in their worlds, those happenings have spilled over into our world, and it’s been the topic of conversation in our house, on and off for a few weeks.
So, cheating, defined by Me, for this Post, is: When one half of an agreed partnership decides that they want to liase with another, outside of their agreed partnership, for the purposes of intimate company, companionship and / or fucking.
I’ve been through this scenario myself, in previous relationships. I’ve also been the ‘other’ and the ‘li-a-ser’. Only difference with my situation, is in the latter of these 2 scenarios, I always told the other half of the partnership, what I’m doing. I think these are called ‘open relationships’ now. For Me though, I just didn’t want to commit to anything with these particular people at that particular time.
Fucking was also not on top of my agenda. It was, as it always is, just a part of what happens when you look outside of your ‘relationship partnership’.
So what we have been discussing at home, is the Whys. My partner, I think, is more disturbed by whats happening around him, than I am. But I believe this has more to do with his personal moral compass. He’s not a cheater by nature. Even if he was forced into a scenario like this, I think he’d miss the ‘signs’ that another was hitting on him. He’s a little ‘naive’ like that … but thats not a bad thing. He’s the kind of dude, if presented with a naked woman, flinging themselves at him, he’d probably say: “Oh, you might wanna put some clothes on before you catch a cold”. Thats what he’s like … and I love him for it.
But with all the infidelity floating round, I began to wonder myself, Why? Why do these men go off and screw something else? Why not just man up, say they’re unhappy in their present situations, and leave … free to fuck whomever they like? Or is it actually about not being satisfied in their present circumstances? Is it about something else?
And this is where we got stuck.
In our relationship, we’ve discussed being ‘unfaithful’. For Me, it’d be a deal breaker. And for my partner too. Not because of the deed, but because of the lie. I don’t like lies. I also don’t like copious amounts of people up in my business. So to have another to share sloppy seconds with? Ahhh Nope. For the partner; he’d feel betrayed.
But would I feel betrayed and devastated?
I’m not sure.
I think I’ve gotten to a realistic place. I’ve told my partner, if he’s unhappy and unsatisfied in any way … then, get gone. Simple.
I don’t Need him.
For the most part, I enjoy him. I enjoy his company; I’ve gotten used to his annoying little habits; even his snoring lol. I can appreciate now, all the things that make him unique and one of kind. I get now, his intricacies, that he hides from everyone; I get that he needs ‘alone time’ more than he thinks he does. I get that his little trips to his mates; the extra ‘jobs’ he likes to pick up and discuss; the ‘favours’ he does for people – are all to make him feel needed, wanted and appreciated. Unlike Me, he doesn’t get that from cleaning the house or having a conversation. But thats him.
For Me – I couldn’t be bothered cheating. I’m too lazy lol. And I don’t get my ‘good vibes’ off’ve other people anymore. A compliment is nice once in a while – but I don’t live for that shit. It’s also why advertising of any kind doesn’t work on Me … because I don’t care what someone else says about something else. I don’t do recommendations. I’m a ‘try it’ myself kinda of person. So cheating doesn’t really rate in my repertoire of ‘things to do’. Aside from the fact that I don’t like lying and I don’t lie well. It’s too tiring – too hard.
So when I watch our friends … hurt and battling to save a love that they believe they still have for each other … I wonder … why He still wants to ‘go out and mingle with the singles’. Is it because he is unsatisfied still? Or because he gets his self worth from strangers? Why doesn’t He want to be at home with his wife and children? Are they boring? Does He believe He doesn’t have to put in time and effort?
And for Her … why is she so hurt? Does she need Him to define who she is as a human being? Does she need his approval? Why does she want to dictate what he does? Is it because she feels cheated; hurt; insecure? How does she go about repairing that hurt? Does she need Him to repair that for her? Because I think he’s going to fail. Not because he wants to, but because He can’t fill up the hole that she has.
So this is whats been swirling round my head for a few weeks. I find it curious and slightly perplexing … curious because I don’t understand the Whys of it all. And slightly perplexing, because I can see the hurt that this lot are causing each other … which is spilling over into their other relationships.
And I don’t have a satisfactory reason or theory or debate or even a decent question to ask really.
It just all seems a bit fucked.