addendum: 2018 – It’s Fathers Day today and I’ve struggled with it. But I’m refraining from dwelling on it … and then I found this. I remembered exactly what I culled. A toxic as fuck fake ass relationship.
There is nothing to regret.
So, today started off well … got up … had a shit … turned on the Wifi … started brewing the coffee and revved up the laptop … just like any other day in beach paradise …
Until it wasn’t.
If you’ve skulked around my blog for awhile, you’d have read my whingey ‘I’ve got daddy issues’ posts … believe Me, theres a tonne of them … posts, that is lol.
What you’d also have figured out by now, is my blog is my ‘diary’ slash vent slash learning area slash finding my voice slash processing that shit … place.
And I process a lot.
And I have processed a shit load more when it’s come to my father. Part of this, I recognise now, is because I am completely unfamiliar with the emotions attached to this scenario. So, it takes time to work all that through.
Dealing with my fathers personality is a completely different thing.
I’ve said it before – he is not a person I would Choose to hang out with or be friends with or even ‘get to know’. He’s everything I despise in a human. He’s racist, sexist, ignorant, manipulative and an all round know-it-all. Thing is, he’s not even very good at those things.
I’ve tried to listen and reason and listen some more. I’ve tried to be more patient than I usually am with his ‘type’. I’ve challenged and voiced my opinion, and reaped the consequences of that.
So I’ve been floating along, feeling somewhat violently enraged lately; knowing the root of that has probably got to do with my father and my disdain for being controlled – and then along comes fucking fathers day. I wrote a poem on my blog for that, but didn’t feel much better afterwards. So I posted the following on my FaceBook page; and felt a little better when other ‘friends’, who understood my twisted humour, sent me those little lol-ling affirmative emojis. I know – I’m lame – it doesn’t take much for Me to feel a little better about everything ;)
Note to whomever: Fathers Day was like, last weekend for Us.
Anyway … I moved on. I’ve blogged a few posts about being pissed off, but have generally tried to stick with the ‘reasons to smile’ and life is Ok routine.
And then this morning came.
And with it came this puppy:
Note: after the ‘hey’, my father used my name, rather than ‘sweetie’ or ‘sweetheart’ as he generally does when he’s fishing for something.
So to back up slightly; I lost my sister nearly a year ago. The angst between Me and my father has escalated since then. Mainly because he believes I should just do as I’m told.
And you’ll Note, the passive aggressive use of force via ‘mokos’? Yeah thats some patriarchal, domestic violence kind of bullshit right there!
So while the coffee continued its brewing process and my pulse was starting to elevate slightly, I concocted this reply:
Please Note also-ly, that said father has not contacted Me or responded to my private messages since he left the country – again.
Also Note: the blanked out bits are the amount of times I tagged him into the post … to get him used to the concept … and to just piss him off really … all those notifications lol.
And thus began a chain of events that is still going.
My first ‘concern’ was my nieces (my fathers ‘mokos’ – grandchildren – these are my sisters kids). I also suspected that this use of ‘children’ and mokos routine was nothing more than a poor attempt at manipulation.
It needs to be said here: my father and his wife are both passive aggressives. However, he was a wife beater but got to old and frail so hung up his drinking mug and his beating gloves. She is the A Typical battered wife. She’s learnt how to control whats happening by lying and avoiding the truth – she pacifies him and placates him. The shit kicker is, she knows what she’s doing and why. She can quote the DV handbook. I don’t dislike her … but I won’t be manipulated by her either.
Anyway … back to it: I posted the following and tagged all my nieces and my other sister, into it. I figured it would do 1 of 2 things. Flush out the bullshit or blow up in my face. Gratefully it did the former.
My niece messaged and then we did a video call. I got to see her and her sister … and her babies <3 So beautiful! And we caught up and there was tears and snot and more tears and more talking.
Turns out my father and his wife have been manipulating and guilt tripping and trying to control these girls since their mama passed. I saw these beautiful girls cry their precious hearts out because my father and his wife had controlled the funeral and gone against all the girls wishes for their mama.
And then the kicker.
These 2 leaches had asked the girls for part of the insurance money their mama had left them. I wrote a post about this awhile ago; but at this stage I only had half the information. It isn’t some random family members who were trying to get their hands on the loot – it was these 2! My fucking god … I was fuming! I also told them in no uncertain terms – to Not Give These Two A Cent! They’ve had their time and pissed and gambled away most of their money. They have money for multiple trips back and forth from Oz to here; they don’t need their ‘mokos’ money … they just want it. Grrr.
After they talked about this all sorts of lies they had told to varying parties, came tumbling out … yep, more tears lol.
But I felt an amazing relief. And I could see the relief on the girls faces and in their voices. I was so pleased to see them … and we’ll do this more now.
After I’d finished talking with them, the following popped up in my messenger, from my fathers wife.
While it may look like she gives a shit, she really just didn’t want her money grubbing secret to get out.
Don’t worry: I got your number!
All this took Me till about 230pm. And then I was shaking and exhausted.
I’ve stopped shaking; I’m still exhausted and pissed off … but you know what? That rage that was deep in my belly … yeah, well thats subsided. It feels like a bit of a light switch has come on.
And I’ll be dealing with my father very soon. When I’m ready. But very soon.
This doesn’t make Me feel anxious at all. Which is pleasantly strange ;)