unfucking …not yet.




Homai to Aroha


Ok, so this is going to be a lengthy-ish explanation.

I find this mindfulness bullshit fucking hard! Like brain-hurting hard!

And as I was pondering on the headache and what to photograph and what to ‘reflect deeply’ on and what is my version of beautiful and reflective and deep as opposed to the ‘norm’ or the average … I realised just how thoroughly my head was aching.

Now I don’t know if its a ‘woman’ thing, or a mother thing, or a pts(d) thing or even if it’s a thing at all … but my brain / thoughts / being, at rest, still go hundy. Whats interesting, is ‘all that’, has actually slowed down heaps … it used to go faster!!

It’s hard to explain the lightening speed with which everything dashes by, but it sort of ‘feels’ like looking into the middle of a lightbulb.

It hurts.

Past, present and future all blend together and speed past like the scenery when your sitting on a train staring out the window. You get whats out there, you just can’t grab it or see it long enough to ‘feel’ it.

And this is the story of my life.

So to reflect or be ‘mindful’ of one particular thing, in the here, and the ‘right now’ sphere, is fucking hard!!

But I’m trying …

I remembered when I started my ‘365 days ..’ segment; that was fucking hard too. To try and be smiley or happy about one thing when it all seemed way over shadowed by a thousand other emotionally fucking memories, was near impossible.

So today, this #lightbulb macro shot, is Me trying … Me hurting my head whilst trying … Me reflecting … Me not sure if it’s a past, present or future reflection …

But Me just trying to #unfuck myself, one day – one photograph, at a time.


kpm ©


4 thoughts on “unfucking …not yet.

  1. This is one of those images that needs the explanation. Once you know what it represents you go “Yeah…I see that now”. For me it is the image of looking out the windscreen of a car when driving at night in light rain; sort of like watching all the bright points of your life fly by but they go so quickly there is no time to feel them. We spend so much energy trying not to feel the bad stuff that the good stuff is sucked into the hole too.

    • I like that analogy!
      Yeah I find it hard to explain things sometimes … I can ‘feel’ the thing but can’t find the words for it … and then vice versa … sometimes I have a tonne of words but am void of feeling.

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