its busy … and its changing …

We’ve had peoples here over the last week … first the mokos, and thats always good … they’re the light of my sometimes rather dim life. They’ll be back weekly while their Mama and Papa are at work, until they start school again.

They had just left the other day and another lot of relatives showed up for ‘lunch’ and stayed for the night / day instead.

Now usually this would throw Me completely … but this time was slightly different. And duly noted my Moi.

I decided that my partner could ‘bridge the gap’, so to speak, since he was the one that offered for the bridge to be open in the first place ;) Now this meant when he asked if I was alright with everything that was happening, I Chose Not To Throttle Him – as he knows by the time they are there and they’re staying and that decision has been made without Me – it’s really just a fake enquiry re ‘are you alright’ and the truth is not what he’s after.

So I did Me.

I didn’t talk if I didn’t feel like it or want too … I stayed in my PJs till 3pm and blogged … then I watched a movie while the partner got dinner.

A not a pinch of guilt was felt. Awesome!

But even better … Not a pinch of anxiety was felt. Even Awesome-er!!

So 2 things I noted and are in the midst of ‘Change’.

  1. I need to take care of Me in any and all situations.
  2. I need to Not Do what is the ‘expectation’ or even feel the expectation.

So this means that even though I am quite – ‘fuck it I’m not doing that’ – anyway, there is always a touch of anxiety that I’m being self fish or haven’t thought of those around Me.

But in all actuality, it’s usually those around Me that aren’t thinking about what might be or not be, best for Me. They very rarely consider the ramifications of ‘hanging out’ and listening to their banality. Yes, and as harsh as that sounds, there are a few things that happen to a person when their earliest memories are having a dick shoved in their faces. Thats right, chit chat about where the latest restaurant is located and going to the Mall to buy a new outfit, becomes as banal as fuck!

So it was with this recognition that I realised the aforementioned ‘need to do’s’ for myself.

You see, no cunt is going to do it for Me. And even though I have repeatedly expressed my ‘predicament’, there is but a handful that actually get it and an even smaller handful that are still willing to make the effort to adjust their way of thinking and doing things, so that I can be included.

That said … I have but a couple of goals this year … art classes being one of them. The other things are taking the trip up the river with my Mama to find where our tipuna were from, and getting to know the group of ladies that will be part of this years exhibition. I’ve decided to add 2 more things on to this list.

First is to do something for my birthday that will be OK for Me. Last year I did an Italian dinner at my daughters house and that was awesome. I enjoyed the prepping and organising and event the cooking part … which was huge for Me, as I usually abhor cooking. I was going to do this again, but have decided against it … on that scale anyway. I want to go somewhere. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere that will match my feng shui. Nothing stressful. Nothing mindfucking. I haven’t completely figured out what that something is yet … but I’m working on it.

The second thing is reframing New Years. The New Years just gone was an absolute bitch. It was noisy as fuck hear as the population trebled in our little town. And I’m all down for peeps enjoying themselves, but their ‘loud’, their fireworks, their unexpected intrusions … made for one hell of a panic fucked night that extended into the following week, and the ‘peoplely’ thing still hasn’t died down really, and it won’t till after the kids go back to school on February.

So this New Years I’ve decided I’m going bush. I may take a friend but will probably end up going by myself. I’m thinking, middle of nowhere, quiet, no people, hot tub and a bottle of limoncello.

You see, I’ve worked around what is everyone elses ‘norm’ for so long, I’m uncertain of how to do Me, the right way. And I figure, if I try out this new routine for my birthday, I’ll be more ready for new years.

I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be fucked so everyone else can enjoy themselves.

I’m over it!

But to achieve all this, means that I also need to ‘trim’ the expectations. I love my daughters … I love my friends … but I can’t do all the extra conversations and ‘please can you do …’ things, and be alright for the things that I actually want to do. I learnt that the hard way over the last couple of days.

The mind is willing, the bod – not so much. And I figure this is what the dreaded ‘balance’ theory is all about.


kpm ©


 

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