addendum: which is ironic as i havent even published the fucking thing yet … anywho … this has been sitting in my drafts and i’ve been tutuing with it, editting, adding and adjusting … and it doesnt feel right, so i’ve left it for awhile …
and this morning, i’m here again, but this time i’m like … ” Fuck It … just post the fucking thing as it is and do the updates on it later “…
Reason being: i think i’m holding onto it and silencing myself … again … and because this post is in a long winded way, exactly what i’m trying to UNDO … it’s important that i just throw it out there … it’s a whole layer of me that i haven’t ‘done’, and that shit is coming to an end.
so … roll on ;)
in a couple posts so far i’ve said that i’ve been dreaming vividly, and the following train of thought came from one of these dreams. it has to do with religion, conformity, norms, recovery and discovering who i am.
gonna do this in 2 parts, possibly a few parts lol, cos i’m still putting my pieces together. as i do.
i’m gonna start with religion. specifically, my experience of religion and being brought up in a ‘christian’ environment.
keep in mind that the sexual assaults on my little personage started around the 3 year old mark and ‘christianity’, as i remember it, was introduced to my world at about 4 or 5 years old.
sexual assault on its own fucks with the feng shui, trust, physical boundaries, instincts and decision making, to name but a few. repeated assault (physical, psychological and emotional) produce a hyperarousal state whereby the assault-ee is in constant assessment and reaction mode/s.
right, that said, heres my dissection of religion as it pertains to me and my experience.
i came across an article the other day, to do with religious trauma. they call it religious trauma syndrome.
in the article it describes the effects of religious trauma, or being under the influence of a tyrannical religious influence for prolonged periods, as : fear, anxiety, flash backs, panic attacks, nightmares, depression, cognitive difficulties and issues with social functioning.
because this type of religious entity requires conformity to fit in, non-conformity reigns down the wrath of god, figuratively – the wrath of those ‘in charge’, literally.
as i said before, my introduction to the Assemblies of God church was at about 4 or 5 years of age, and that was in 1977-78. i got completely clear of the church for the first time when i was about 16 or 17. everything that i did after that was smothered with guilt and the prospect of going to hell. my daughter was taken from me based on the theory that i was not conforming to a normal christian lifestyle, which including drinking and hanging out with non-christians.
i know right!
throughout my mothering ‘career’ i came up against a number of ‘controls’ that tried to use my daughters as a means to make me comply. when i did not, i was psychological punished; sometimes, physically punished with the threat of having the kids taken from me.
add to all of this a large helping of mental and emotional torture which i fought against but fought alone.
i completely ditched any and all churches in my 30s and when my children were about 12 and 7. i was completely and utterly damned for it and ostracised from friends and those i had come to consider as family.
i don’t regret the decision and still have absolutely no interest in any religion.
it’s taken years to chip off the after effects of all that indoctrination though. not that i ever believed what they preached entirely, but it was rather hard to say you didn’t believe in something or ask questions or ask for details, when the answer was always : because god said.
that was never enough for me.
as the years have gone on and i’ve managed to figure out that organised religion has nothing to do with spirituality or ‘god’; that god is what ever and whoever you feel comfortable with them being to you.
but to this day, i will literally sprint from organised religious nut jobs and their speeches, quicker than you can say: ‘go’.
i have had enough to deal with the assaults and add a thick layer of religious mayhem to that, and i realised, i’ve been a busy bitch, trying to piece myself back together … back to what i was intended to be before others peoples ideals, beliefs and sicknesses fucked with me.
religious freakiness and all its controlling techniques are pretty much like a pedo grooming and assaulting. the after effects are also similar.
it occurred to me today: that i have more grit and determination and fight for life, than i thought i had.
i am pleased i have a questioning streak; that i will not conform to anothers ‘shoulds’ or suggestions, just because they ask or demand it of me. that instinct in me has kept me alive and kept me searching for better.
that makes me as gangstah as fuck.
part 2, ish.
if you know anything about christianity, you’ll know a lot of their teachings focus on the damnation of ‘sexuality’. i was going to say homosexuality, but really, this lot condemns more than just sexual orientation.
they teach abstination of desire, exploration, sexual boundaries and orientation. all things sexual are considered sinful (punishable by hell) unless you are married.
in my personal experience, by the time i hit my teens i wasn’t really ‘interested’ in being sexual or experimenting or discovering. i’d had more than my fair share of invasive, demeaning and damaging sexual experiences.
like the sexual assault on me as an infant, any and all sexual experiences thereafter were experienced through the lens of guilt and damnation. at no time do i remember there being any lessons on what reasonable exploration was about. or even what sexuality and intimacy was about. in my mind it was all dirty. all of it. and unfortunately, my very early experiences did nothing to dissuade that thought pattern. christianity’s teachings actually just compounded it.
and this isn’t adding to the mixture how society views female sexuality, desire and / or their choices.
part 3, later. maybe.
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist