following on from the other day and post:
i was having a hard time getting my head round the whole thing, but it’s sorta coming together.
being raised in mainstream christianity compounded being sexually assaulted. where they should have been showering the love of jesus, they were trying to control me … as an outcome. they wanted a good little christian brown girl and what they were seeing was not that.
i get all that now.
what also occurred to me though, was in that environment there is no room to be thyself let alone explore your options. there is after all, only one option and thats ‘gods’ option. straight, white, male, conformist.
it took awhile to realise i wasn’t white. and that no amount of appeasing the white christians was going to make me white.
i was definitely no male.
straight? well that was a given … after all, brown girls are better on their backs after all … and then cleaning up and repenting for their brown ancestors.
and conformist i was not and am not.
i had questions and no answers.
i think what disturbs but is that in this environment, which isn’t unlike the rest of society really … how is a person supposed to be comfortable in their ethnicity, sexuality, chosen gender and role?
there is no room for figuring that shit out and becoming all that you were intended to be.
instead we fight.
fight to be heard.
fight to figure shit out.
fight to be.
but when do we stop fighting?
when is it alright to just be? to just explore? to just figure out what fits?
i guess my point i am making to myself really; is that the time to relax and figure out who and what i am … what i like … what i Want to express … what i Want to say …
my hope for my grand babies, is that will be able to explore everything they want to be … figure out for themselves what they believe in and whats worth believing in. i hope in doing so, they’ll save themselves a hell of a lot of years fighting and fighting some more.
they’ve got bigger and better things to do.