the appointment.

delayed update, i know.

it’s been one of those weeks though … fuck it.

the fact i’m actually here, typing away, is pretty epic lol. but may have to do with the fact that i am slightly baked again.

but i’ll get to that soon.

the ACC appointment is worth more than a gold star.

mate … i was fucking awesome!!

which does NOT mean i didn’t snot all over the place or shake like a leaf or look like a leftover homeless person or smell like a giant sweat ball … no in fact, i was all those things, & more.

but …

i got through the traffic prior to the appointment, with my mama driving lol, with only 1 panic attack of a 4-5 on the panic fuck scale. which is pretty good for me. & i was able to short track it by breathing deep & listening to my music & figuring out exactly what it was that was sending me into a panic.

it was the usual … being trapped. not having a choice.

once i’d figured it, i just cried. & felt better.

once we got there, i walked into the building with tears still rolling down my face. my mama didn’t flinch, which is what i needed. she didn’t console me or get nervous or upset; she just let me be. the lady @ the reception looked awkward but i said what i was there for & then sat down. i didn’t wait for her to do her thing … she found me on their schedule & then came round to give me the heads up on wait time etc. i didn’t really listen to her .. & continued breathing.

& it all fucking worked.

it worked because i knew what I was doing. not what everyone else was doing: but what I was doing.

i truly gave no fucks what was going on around me, as in, others reactions to how i ‘appeared’ & that made one hell of a difference.

if i had’a thought about it @ the time, i woulda taken a selfie, cos in hindsight i looked pretty funny. i had found my most comfortable-est clothes to wear & decided to ditch the shoes completely. they make me feel claustrophobic. i had my breakfast in a jug cos i hadn’t finished it @ home; i had a medium sized bag with all my necessary shizz in it.

by the time they were ready for me, i was humming the tunes playing through my headphones ;)

once in the ‘office’ & the psychiatrist had introduced himself, i told him i needed the heater off & the lights off otherwise i wouldn’t make it through an hours appointment. he obliged. i also let him know that im more comfortable sitting on the floor, so if i ended up there, just know … ‘i’m ok’ … LOL!

kudos to him, he was pretty chilled. thank fuck.

& the hour went pretty fast. i swore & talked & ate my breakfast & generally embraced my awesome self lol. i hadn’t rehearsed answers this time so what rolled is what rolled.

how do i know it went alright?

well, i wasn’t committed & i’m here ;) thats how i know.

to say i’m proud of my efforts is an understatement.

cos to add to all this i was having the period from hell (thankyou fertility goddesses … not impressed!), & my tooth had started rarking up more overnight & i’d had the total of 3 hours sleep. by all accounts, i should’a been a curled up ball in one of the corners of the room.

but here i was in all my motherfucking glory, owning my shit like a pro! & it felt good!

by the time i got home, i collapsed into a small heap for about 12 hours, but thats aight. i’m good with that!

the following day i had to make an emergency appointment for the dentist.

i managed that similarly to the ACC appointment; with a few minor hiccups, but that was ok too.

turns out my tooth is cracked right over a nerve hence the excruciating pain. & even though they loaded me with enough local anaesthetic to knock out a horse, i could still feel the pain, so they sent me home with antibiotics & i have to go back next week.

now up shot is: i’m ok. i’m ok with how i did. i’m ok with how i’m handling the pain (which is baked … sunny side up lol), & i’m ok with having to go back.

i figure stressing aint gonna help me in the slightest, so i’m employing some ‘man-sense’ & completely ignoring everything around me ;) so far its working lol.

any who …

high fucking five me! & i’m so stoked with Me i’m gonna buy myself something … not sure what yet lol, but i’m thinking something that looks like a gold star worthy achievement !!!

kpm ©


8 thoughts on “the appointment.

  1. Congratulations!! You are so right; once you get past the worry about how your coping looks to the rest of the world, it is so much easier. I can do it sometimes, and other times I am trying to fit in and it makes things worse. Congratulations on the baked too (really missing that at the moment).

  2. You’re my fucking hero. Do you know that?
    No. Of course you don’t. I never told you before.
    And I know it doesn’t mean anything.
    I mean, my partner says I’m their hero. And I don’t feel like a hero. I feel like a cornered wounded animal. Up against the wall with no choices left.
    But still.
    You’re my fucking hero. ⭐⭐⭐

    • fuck! you just made my day!! thankyou xx i don’t feel like no hero either … but we are :)
      up against the wall with no choices left … i completely get that!

  3. 💪💪 I know you don’t have two right arms but I’m limited by the constraints of available emojis. Point being, well done!

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