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my stars & moon & a realisation.

i’ve been trying to do my first official ‘birthday month’ this month.

it’s something a person i know has done forever & i liked the sound of it, so wanted to give it a go.

tell yah what, it took a whole heap of stress off doing ‘birthday’ ‘day’. not that it was ever really overly stressful … but this year i felt more in control of it.

i’ll post more on the whole thing when this month is done … for now though …

part of my ‘doing what i want’ routine, included spending an evening with my eldest daughter: that in itself is hard for her, in different ways than me. they have 4 of my beautiful mokos & life is busy AF for her! taking 10 minutes to have a shit in peace is no easy thing, let alone spending an evening out of the house, with yah mama lol.

so i appreciated everything she did to make herself available. in my mind, that was her gift to me & i was extremely grateful.

but her & the fams gave me cupcakes too … bonus!!!

they’re those chocolate ones, that have gooey chocolate in the centre … OMG … they were divine!

as part of our evening out, i wanted to go & listen to this dude talk about astronomy & our cosmology surrounding the lunar calendar. now i knew it was a big thing, as in, it was going to be a crowded AF space … like 350+ people in a lecture theatre. but i booked tickets anyway & have worked on getting my shit together to get there.

“the usual routine.”

we had also decided to get this pizza @ a local restaurant & a large dose of coffee from another.

sooooooooo …. it didn’t quite work out as i’d planned … as either of us had planned actually.

both ‘sitters’ were late, which made us late for the astronomy thing.

positive note: i was calm. so was my daughter.

we got there 40 minutes late & when we got to the door we were greeted by 3 beautiful ladies who took us into the auditorium thing.

how-ever: once the door opened & i felt the heat, saw the crowd, smelt the smells & saw that the only seats available were way @ the back, or should i say right @ the top of a mountain of chairs … i knew i couldn’t do it. i backed out & told the last i had an anxiety disorder (short explanation) & that this wasn’t going to work for me.

sooooooo … they looked for an alternative.

now can i just say: that in all the years i’ve been battling & juggling pts(d) & its associated fuckery, i have never had a reception like this. not only were they polite, and curtious … they were caring!

one lady tried to find a back door to the auditorium & seating close to the door. bless her beautiful heart! she waited while i tried to manoeuvre the stairwell to the back door (& waited for over 15 minutes @ least) & finally i realised i wasn’t going to manage that either … well not without falling over anyways. i stood on the second set of steps (steep AF i might add) & had a quick discussion with my girl. i did my apologies & she could see i was struggling … & i decided that if i had a smidge of a chance to enjoy the rest of the evening, then this whole scenario was a no go.

so, again, i backed down the steps, very slowly, & those beautiful ladies got me a seat so i could sit down & get my breath. & then they just carried on as normal.

now, again: something else i’ve noticed throughout my pts(d)-ness, is peeps tend to do all sorts of awkward fuckery when confronted with someone who is clearly struggling. it is super super rare AF, to find someone, let alone 4 someones (1 being my beautiful daughter), who just caringly carried on, whilst making themselves ‘available’ to assist as i needed.

we sat there for about another 10 minutes. in that time, one lady came & sat next to me & says, ‘i get anxiety too, so i get it’; & she smiled. i nearly cried. but in the moment, it did something to my feng shui. something good.

i felt ‘normal’. empowered & normal & fully in control of my situation.

yah know how fucking rare that is too lol!!

my head cleared … & i stopped sweating like a rapist lol … & was able to make some clear decisions.

no, the auditorium wasn’t going to happen tonight. but we learned that this whole astronomy / star roadshow learning thing, would be done again. maybe next year. so we could try again then.

my ‘end goal’ of that part of the evening, was to buy the book this dude had written, & a cup lol. so i asked if i could do that, & they obliged & sold me both items earlier than they usually do. *goal achieved* ;)

i know, i know .. what a groupie lol

then i decided we’d leave. i thanked those those beautiful ladies for being so caring. i dont know that they really realised who much they had done for me.

yah know, a little kindness & not acting like a cunt, goes a very long way!!!

so me & my girl decided to go pizza-ing earlier. we’d chosen this particular place because my girl reckoned it wasn’t usually crowded.

well guess what. it was packed AF!!

by this stage we were both nervous but laughing cos this was just fucking typical really.

but we went in anyway. i did the earplug thang ;)

i managed to start ordering but cos it was so loud & so smelly (loads of people, smelly), i knew, again, sitting & waiting & then eating, was going to be hugely uncomfortable.

me & my girl had a little talk & decided to take away. so we ordered then left for half an hour.

& went to get the coffee we wanted! Yah!

all the while we’re walking & talking & its in the middle of town @ night, & i’m thinking … this is cool!!! this is way fucking better than sitting down in a crowded room & listening to someone talk for 2 hours … & way better than having to yell over everyone else to have a conversation … & as we strolled along … with a fresh coffee … heading back to get our pizza … i realised, that this … right here & now, was what my new lane looked like. & in a similar vein, my darling girl figured the same thing out for herself too.

we got back to the pizza place & i was actually able to sit & wait for another 10 minutes, for our order. no panic fucks to report here, but a few terrible selfies were attempted lol.

once we’d got our pizza, we sat in the park across the road .. which in hindsight, isn’t possibly the safest place for 2 women to be in the middle of the night .. & parked up on a bench seat like 2 lost souls, spread out our pizza, & ate like there was no tomorrow lol.

from left to right … ‘the godfather’ , ‘italian lover’ & the house special ‘dessert’ pizza!

the ‘park’ @ night x

it was an awesome night! 3 hours me & my girl sat there in the dark, watching the stars & the ‘night life’ & talking & laughing & yes, there were a few tears too lol.

my fuck, we needed that! i didn’t realise how much she needed it & this was exactly what i had been craving.

‘my normal’.

i’m actually grateful i couldn’t go into the auditorium & that i missed the stars lecture. i’m grateful the restaurant was packed.

i found something of me in all those ‘fuck-ups’ that i wouldn’t have found otherwise.

& it was a mixture of my old version of beautiful & my new version of ‘mindfulness’.

my beautiful x


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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