the looming internal fuckery …

its right thurr.

panic vs dialogue.

& this is gonna be a rambled post but i gotta get it out.

.

i’ve been struggling with this impending doom, nervousness, panic thing, all day. i feel physically ill, like i either wanna shit or throw up or both. i’m jumpy AF & my head feels like its gonna explode.

it won’t of course. i know this.

but im trying to dissect it & fuck with it & haven’t been able to figure it at all.

then as im doing my deep tissue massage shit (trying to find relief) i hear my little insides saying “fuck, im done!”.

not a suicidal thing or even a an over tired thing .. just a i’m fucking done, thing.

i dont know why im nervous & im tired of trying to figure it out. i dont know why im jumpy AF. i dont remember anything happening to set it off … but it all feels fucking familiar.

.

& then i decide i want cake.

like, wtf?

.

& as i say to myself ‘you deserve’ cake … my internal dialogue says : why do you deserve cake bitch?

.

& thats it.

i feel like i cant have anything, do anything, unless i ‘deserve’ it.

again, wtf.

.

& then out of nowhere, comes another internal voice, which says a whole lot of shit i didn’t quite expect …

.

“its alright gf … you deserve cake, & more. how many people do know could’ve survived half of what you have? you have every right to be fucking nervous. nothing in your life says “its sweet, it can be trusted”. no. you’ve worked on your instincts & they have been deadly fucking accurate. people cant be trusted. no-one has done anything that is purely for your benefit. to care for you. listen to you. take into consideration what you’re all about. no-one has protected you, watched you, thought about whats better for you. you have learnt that peoples intentions are hidden & usually selfish as fuck, to your detriment. you deserve way more than fucking cake honey.

you are brave. you are strong. you are resilient. you are determined. you are afraid. you are scared. you are nervous.

& you have every right in the world to be all of those things.

sit with it all, & eat your cake.”

.

& thats where im at.

me & cake & some pretty random but validating thoughts.

.


kpm ©


 

5 thoughts on “the looming internal fuckery …

  1. That’s a strong inner voice you have there. Keep hearing her. Mine is still with the ‘Do you deserve it? Have you done enough?’ thought line. I will keep listening for my kinder inner voice.

    • yeah she gets bit lost in there sometimes … hence the extra strong feeling of nausea / nervousness lol. i think she gets annoyed with me & it becomes more of a ‘bitch you better listen too me’ kinda inner voice thing lol …
      & isn’t that the way though, especially for women … that we have to do enough to deserve anything … your inner voice is kind … she’s kind to me <3

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