when a train of thought just keeps going ..
yeah well, thats what’s happening here!
after all the internal fuckerys, support group exits etc etc i happened upon a thought this morning …
about my father.
i haven’t heard from him. he hasn’t apologised. i haven’t reached out …
& as that thought was unfolding … it kinda struck me, that i felt this guilty kind of infection, somewhere deep in my gut … like i shoulda forgiven him & been ‘the bigger person’ & reached out to make some kind of amends in the whole situation …
& then it double struck me … that i didn’t cause the situation that led to me cutting that niggah off. & that i have waited more than patiently (like 30 years patiently) for way more time than he shoulda got, for some kind of relationship or connection & have even tried multiple times to build that connection / relationship. i have invested time, children, honesty, loyalty & quality into that motherfucker over my life time.
& again … i am not responsible for his thoughts, his patterns of behaviour or the outworking of it. it aint my job to correct him, educate him, inform him or gently help him out just a little … NO.
thats his job, his responsibility.
mine is to do me.
& i did. & i cut that bitch off.
so why the guilt???
its habit. its a motherfucking habit. its a societal habit. its a habit enforced on women & POC. its a cunt of a habit that is backed up by ‘the word of god’.
its a habit that keeps us grovelling in the dirt, looking for penance, blessings, righteousness, when all we should be looking for is a new start.
in that whole train of thought about my father, i started moving it to other ‘people’, situations & areas of my life. where i’ve been waiting for some kind of reconnection or unattainable righteousness or forgiveness and reconciliation.
its fucking eye opening.
& guess what.
yah cant reconcile with something / someone that thinks they’re in control.
it dont work.