another quickie(ish) update:

we’ve had birthdays & a few more coming up. i been breathing & trying to chill the fuck out .. a few screams later i’m refocussing & re-chilling.

yup thats what i been doing. for most of the fucking year actuals.

this weekend is my youngest mokos 1st birthday. right!! holy fuck, its been a whole year.

i remember prepping for his birth. freaking out cos i didn’t know if i could do the hospital. turning my ass inside out trying to figure out whether i was going to be a fucking help or hinderance.

yup, i did that.

& 1 year on i felt it in the pit of my gutt, that here i am, yes, still alive, but still turning my shit inside out to make everything ok so i will be ok for this event … which i might add … im actually looking forward too.

wtf.

is it ever going to change?

is it ever going to get easier?

am i ever going to NOT post lame ass pics about how i made it up the driveway or managed to sit in the car or mingled like some social freak for more than 10 minutes … is it ever going to fucking change??

so, thats where i was @ at the end of last week.

i was done.

like, done done.

over it.

so i did what i do & contacted my tipuna.

yup, thats what makes more sense to me than any other fucking thing i know.

they came back with the most simplest solution that i shoulda known but have been too twisted to see.

i contacted my friend to do an intuitive mirimiri. its a hard thing  to explain so im not going to. theres google for those that are interested. just know, this is a concept of healing that is specific to my culture.

my mate came.

2 hours later i had been re-set.

i could feel it in the depths of my gutt. things felt clearer, not so shady.

its been a few days & i can still feel my being recalibrating, but its aight. i’ve noted a few mind shifts too …

eg:

i decided i wanted to go out for breakfast the other day.

as you know, i been bitching on about missing the coffee shop experience / culture, over all other things that i ‘miss’ post – pts(d) retard. & recently i had added “sitting in our local coffee shop by myself & being ok with it all”, to the new psychologists list of ‘goals’ to work on … *yes, insert the eye ball roll* … but that was where i was at. am at. i miss that shit, like in the depths of my soul, i fucking miss it.

so breakfast … fuck it i thought, lets go, i’m doing this.

i got there. i freaked. i breathed. i freaked. i ordered. i breathed. breathed some more. put in ear plugs, did my shizz … & finally found some kind of momentum where i could actually take in what was happening around me.

after about 5 minutes of ‘noticing’ or ‘being present’ (*yep another eye ball roll inserted … big fat eye fucking ball roll … *) … i noticed that the space i was sitting in … was awful.

the tables were dirty.

the chairs were stacked up in the corners.

there was dirt on the floors & sand & grit on the couch.

the magazines looked like they had been gathered out from under some old dudes bed. no shit.

& the music. oh my fuck. the music was horrendous!!!

what was cool was that it didn’t freak me out. it was just noted.

& then the food came out.

lordy lordy lord.

in simple terms, i wouldn’t have expected my dead cat to eat it. not to mention the cutlery that was dragged out for our use, was covered in fingerprints, possibly dating back to a homicide from the early 1900s.

now i know im fussy, like, clean fussy. & i wholeheartedly embrace that shit. & there are certain times when i’ll grin & bare a certain situation out of politeness (yes, i can be polite lol). … but ‘fuck NO’ when im in a paying position with an expectation of certain ‘standard’ of cleanliness that needs to be adhered to because they are charging for a motherfucking service or product.

what i found interesting about my experience, was that i had noticed it. that somewhere in my ‘grieving for the coffee culture & sick of being a pts(d) retard’, i hadn’t actually noticed whether the space i was attempting to be in, was decent enough to be in.

in that instance, i realised i needed to tweak my goal. that yes i missed a certain culture, but if this place couldn’t provide it, then it was my job to either create it or find a space where it actually existed instead of settling for bullshit.

now this attitude, i like.

its a gentle shift, but a precise one.

& one i’m definitely going to keep fucking with.

yes, theres changes on my horizon. deep changes. good changes.


kpm©


 

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