we’ve had birthdays & a few more coming up. i been breathing & trying to chill the fuck out .. a few screams later i’m refocussing & re-chilling.
yup thats what i been doing. for most of the fucking year actuals.
this weekend is my youngest mokos 1st birthday. right!! holy fuck, its been a whole year.
i remember prepping for his birth. freaking out cos i didn’t know if i could do the hospital. turning my ass inside out trying to figure out whether i was going to be a fucking help or hinderance.
yup, i did that.
& 1 year on i felt it in the pit of my gutt, that here i am, yes, still alive, but still turning my shit inside out to make everything ok so i will be ok for this event … which i might add … im actually looking forward too.
is it ever going to change?
is it ever going to get easier?
am i ever going to NOT post lame ass pics about how i made it up the driveway or managed to sit in the car or mingled like some social freak for more than 10 minutes … is it ever going to fucking change??
so, thats where i was @ at the end of last week.
i was done.
like, done done.
so i did what i do & contacted my tipuna.
yup, thats what makes more sense to me than any other fucking thing i know.
they came back with the most simplest solution that i shoulda known but have been too twisted to see.
i contacted my friend to do an intuitive mirimiri. its a hard thing to explain so im not going to. theres google for those that are interested. just know, this is a concept of healing that is specific to my culture.
my mate came.
2 hours later i had been re-set.
i could feel it in the depths of my gutt. things felt clearer, not so shady.
its been a few days & i can still feel my being recalibrating, but its aight. i’ve noted a few mind shifts too …
i decided i wanted to go out for breakfast the other day.
as you know, i been bitching on about missing the coffee shop experience / culture, over all other things that i ‘miss’ post – pts(d) retard. & recently i had added “sitting in our local coffee shop by myself & being ok with it all”, to the new psychologists list of ‘goals’ to work on … *yes, insert the eye ball roll* … but that was where i was at. am at. i miss that shit, like in the depths of my soul, i fucking miss it.
so breakfast … fuck it i thought, lets go, i’m doing this.
i got there. i freaked. i breathed. i freaked. i ordered. i breathed. breathed some more. put in ear plugs, did my shizz … & finally found some kind of momentum where i could actually take in what was happening around me.
after about 5 minutes of ‘noticing’ or ‘being present’ (*yep another eye ball roll inserted … big fat eye fucking ball roll … *) … i noticed that the space i was sitting in … was awful.
the tables were dirty.
the chairs were stacked up in the corners.
there was dirt on the floors & sand & grit on the couch.
the magazines looked like they had been gathered out from under some old dudes bed. no shit.
& the music. oh my fuck. the music was horrendous!!!
what was cool was that it didn’t freak me out. it was just noted.
& then the food came out.
lordy lordy lord.
in simple terms, i wouldn’t have expected my dead cat to eat it. not to mention the cutlery that was dragged out for our use, was covered in fingerprints, possibly dating back to a homicide from the early 1900s.
now i know im fussy, like, clean fussy. & i wholeheartedly embrace that shit. & there are certain times when i’ll grin & bare a certain situation out of politeness (yes, i can be polite lol). … but ‘fuck NO’ when im in a paying position with an expectation of certain ‘standard’ of cleanliness that needs to be adhered to because they are charging for a motherfucking service or product.
what i found interesting about my experience, was that i had noticed it. that somewhere in my ‘grieving for the coffee culture & sick of being a pts(d) retard’, i hadn’t actually noticed whether the space i was attempting to be in, was decent enough to be in.
in that instance, i realised i needed to tweak my goal. that yes i missed a certain culture, but if this place couldn’t provide it, then it was my job to either create it or find a space where it actually existed instead of settling for bullshit.
now this attitude, i like.
its a gentle shift, but a precise one.
& one i’m definitely going to keep fucking with.
yes, theres changes on my horizon. deep changes. good changes.