they watched.

on 29 sept, it had been 14 years since my nan died. it was also a new moon.


that night i had dreams & i woke feeling different. like my third eye had been buffed & my sight &  hearing was to the side. like on abit of a gangstah lean lol.

im a dreamer .. some are me processing trauma (always called them nightmares, but they’re not really) or things i dont understand with my mind, & some are ‘old’. not sure how to explain them, but i know when i have them, that they’re different. they usually come before something changes or shifts or something significant happens …. & i’m left with a deep sense of ‘doing things differently’.

part of the dream was of an old white woman who held space like my nan used to, but this woman had a kete (flax woven bag). she was like a shadow, but confident in her space.

my nan is / was a white woman of british decent, & she was also a ‘see-er’, whose gifting was pretty hardcore but she was continuously admonished & misunderstood throughout her life.

she is also the woman who left me in the room to be sexually assaulted. i think her gift brought her too the room in the first instance; or the door of the room – & she knocked and called out, but i think her fear stopped her from opening the door and confronting her regrets & fears.  she hadn’t wanted her son / the pedo.  so she left me there. i believe this is one of her deepest regrets.

she is now one of, or the most prominent kaitiaki (protectors / guardians)  i have.

anyway, so back to the dream … apart from this old white woman, the other significant part of the dream was that i strangled the uncle / her son / the assailant.

in all dreams I’ve had of him i usually cant speak or move or i feel deeply afraid etc etc. this is the first in 43 years, that i have asserted me, over him.

it felt good.

so upon waking, i felt different.

as the day unravelled, this is what i remember.

the self professed white supremacist aka pedo cunt (as i call him) was engaged in what he labelled as occultism at the time of his assaulting me. the room was painted black and on one wall above the bed, was painted an inverted pentagram with a goats head in it – a.typical bullshit. he has this tattooed on his head also. so this was my first experience of anything ‘occult’ like.

at the other end of the pendulum was my mother who had embraced mainstream pentecostal christianity, where all things ‘witchcraft’, maori, woman etc were demonised and ‘prayed out of me’.  by relation to the pedo cunt, i was labeled as being ‘touched’ by the demons that were his, including his ‘beliefs’.

as with most things of the ‘club’ variety throughout my life, i have ‘shelved’ all things religious.

as the years have gone on i’ve called on the ‘ancients’ instead of what any religion dishes up & nature is where ive been drawn too. the ocean being my first call.

so, i learned the horned creature that i was told was the devil; that was ‘cast out’ on many occasions; that was above me in crude form whilst i experienced one of the most heinous crimes my body has ever experienced … was not in fact who i was told he was.

today i learnt about ‘Pan’.

he, or ‘Pan’, has many of my traits; being the devil is not one of them.

the 2 things that were safe in my life were music & dance. these are 2 of the traits pan has.

i think he watched over me that day, in a distorted kind of way.

my dreams reminded me of that.

i won in the end. not that other cunt.



10 thoughts on “they watched.

  1. Kare, every day we decide to show up somewhere, we fucking win. You won kare. You so fucking win. Even on those days where all you may have in you to scuffle your feet across the floor of your whare – you’ve won. You win. Remember this. Respect.

  2. It seems to me that your Wild self is waking up. The dreams where you defend yourself against harm; they are your inner power coming to life.
    The ‘old’ dreams, I have them too; they always mean a shift in my life, a big change. The old feeling is interesting hey? Like you have had that dream a million times, you know it inside out, but it’s the first time you have had it (or is that just me).
    The Great God Pan, he brings the wild, the freedom, Nature in all it’s terrible beauty. He is one of the Greek gods I identify with sometimes (although I prefer Brigid, the Celtic Goddess usually). I identify with so much in this post, but it also makes me angry when I hear stories like that too, those assholes who pretend and use religions to justify abuse make me sick.

    • thankyou friend, as always i appreciate your insight! xx

      i hope you’re right .. think you probs are ;) things have been shifting for awhile & this feels like a part of it … but for good. the old dreams intrigue me now. they used to scare me but that’s usually cos they came in and amongst a tonne of other bullshit and i couldn’t discern the difference, other than the ‘feel’. i just wanted them all to stop. now i can appreciate them for what they are.

      & i’d never heard of pan, other than peter pan. i have another friend who identified him for me, like you, she refers to her ancestors gods / goddesses. not sure that i know brigid, but will do some research xx

      I’m sorry you identify but am also appreciative x

      & religion .. well .. lets just say, it has a lot to answer for.

  3. First, I commend you on your bravery for sharing such a tragic moment with others because it is so important to do so. Secondly, you nailed it on the head with calling him a cunt (on of my most favorite words). I am sorry that the act went on without your Nan entering the room. It makes you wonder the level of fear that comes with facing your child’s demons. Thank you, KP. I have a level of respect for you that many do not obtain. I hope that sharing this brought you some relief in regards to suchh a life changing event.

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