i threw my broken finger nail onto the grass ..
i know, it sounds weird af. but there is an explanation & a shift.
i want to remember this.
when i was little, & in the throws of being sexually assaulted *insert eye ball roll*, there was a story i was told, quite a few times, if i remember rightly.
fuck face would talk about satanism & nazism A Lot. in amongst all his trash talk (which i didn’t know was trash talk then), he talked about how satanists would gather up the hair or fingernails of people they wanted to curse. they’d use those items to do a bit of a funky blood soaked ritual & tadah, curse laid.
now i didn’t know that this wasnt satanism. i also believed his bullshit because everything he said & did was to my detriment so it was kinda better to be on the safe side & roll with the BS he spouted. & obviously, there was no google then. & the climate of my ‘christian’ upbringing supported his line of twoodle.
anyways .. enter adulthood & i started to learn better.
i figured out, fuck face had borrowed from his limited understanding of voodoo *insert another big ass eye ball roll*, & laced it with his satanist slash nazi BS ..
why? cos it sounded good & it terrified everyone, especially me.
guess what .. a terrified person / child is a lot more pliable than an assertive confident one.
anyways .. even though i understood all this as an adult, i ‘d still burn my fingernails and toenails, & hair for that matter, after they’d been cut. i’ve been doing it for years without giving it much thought. culturally, we use to bury them ; as in, so they are returned to the earth. not many peeps do that anymore .. but yeah.
but as this grown ass adult, here i was, still, all these years later, just doing the cautious thing, even though my ‘better judgement’ knew it to be BS.
so the other day, after i’d broken a nail, i tracked it down & proceeded to throw it into the fire .. & then i stopped, & waited.
standing there like a dufus, i recounted the countless freakish moments of fear that led me to this pointless fingernail burning ritual.
& realised that every time i do it, i give it life.
its BS, & i give it life because it had become a cautious & necessary part of my young existence .. but i realised, i wasnt little anymore, i had a choice based on fact, not horrific fantasy.
i ended up crying.
holding on to that bloody fingernail & crying my eyeballs out.
then i stopped.
then i got overwhelmed with anger.
i threw that bitch out on to our lawn.
funny thing .. i felt like my whole internal being, literally shifted.
it took a couple hours to process .. & then i went & looked for the fingernail lol ffs.
& when i couldn’t find it, then i let it go.
i think theres gonna be quite a few moments like this .. coming and going .. as i figure out the ‘new me’ that wants to live without all that fuckery attached to my throat.
fuck his fucked up voodoo satanist BS stories.
fuck his nazi BS.
completely & utterly, fuck that cunt!
this is #mystory now!