yah know how I been talking randomly about shit being hard, good shit I mean .. being hard to do when you in a state of panic or anxiety .. & that loving something enough to want to be doing it is like, level zero. cos you been wired to be picking up on multiple threats or deal with multiple layers of anxiety and trauma, all at once?
it kinda pissed me off .. & got me thinking.
what do I love.
love enough to want to be doing all the time.
not a job.
but a thing, what you call it .. a hobby ..
after thinking a lot a lot one night lol the only thing I could come up with that I absolutely loved .. have always loved .. was, music.
specifically, playing music.
& as lame ass as it seemed at first lol I’m gazing round my room, looking at my records, & staring at my decks, & pondering on the meaning of motherfucking life and existence lol
& there it was.
the thing I’ve always loved.
then I got nervous .. groan.
& my head says .. ‘you suck at playing those’ ..
& instead of entertaining that thought process, my insides said ..
‘fuck up. she been busy surviving & now she got time to do whatever the fuck she wants to in whatever capacity she wants.’
so that’s what I’m doing.
going through all my records. figuring out which ones I love. trying to mix them. changing the BPM cos I didn’t know what I was doing way back when. listening. smiling. listening some more.
I love it.
dunno for how long. dunno if it’s something I’ll do forever.
if I died tomorrow.
I’d be happy with what I’ve discovered.