today was ..

TW : some morbid/ish bs .. .. ..
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today was .. dizzying.
dreamt bout grandad again last night. that’s twice in 1 week. but no more than half a dozen in the last 14ish years.

‘sitting with it’ ..

( really gotta find an alternative name to that phrase .. I don’t like it .. like , journey and moving forward  lawd strike me down now ..

Anyways .. digression )

& I dunno if the moon is in your anus or if the planets are in digital alignment at the minute. but shit is def weird af.

anyway ..
grandad was making plum sauce .. in my dream. @ the old house. the one he built.

the one he built with the trade that he was ‘given’ after returning from world war fucking 2. he chose a trade .. not land.

the house where I felt the most love.
the house where I experienced on my lil & growing body and soul,  mongrelised depths of depravity.
the house where the smell of bacon & tomatoes meant going to work & love.
the house where the stench of bodily excrements & boiling opium, stuck to the walls.

how can all that coexist in one place.

i spose it has, in me.

screaming & smiling.
smiling & screaming.

the most protection experienced & the most vulnerability exploited .. all in one place.
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i suspect .. because he’s not talking to me .. this is grandad’s way of being near me.
his way of protecting.
his silent, slightly traumatised, way of holding onto my insides while they crumble.

making plum sauce for us .. was an act of love on so many levels.

I miss him.
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#life
#love
#demons
#unravel
#peace
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#bnw
#polaroid
#lil
#me
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#kpm©

4 thoughts on “today was ..

  1. Forgive my absence, crumbling all round here.
    Generational trauma is real isn’t it. Your grandfather’s trauma, your trauma, all that stirring in the same pot with the love (like plums and sugar). Sometimes it’s hard to see the good in life; the bad stuff gets mixed in too deep, but the good is always there (I fucking hope).
    I think your Grandfather is coming close to send you love, to let you know he is still there for you. In my belief system, the beloved dead can come close to us at this time of year, when the veil between worlds is thin. We can thank them by speaking to them in our minds and setting out a plate of food (small portions) for them at a meal. Then bidding them goodbye until next year.

    • No apologies needed. .. completely understand the chaos .. sheeeeit .. never ending at the moment … … & I love that analogy .. I think you’re right .. & yeah for me, its right on Matariki setting which is what I observe because we’re on the west coast and don’t see it rise in a months time .. this is the time (in like a few days) I light their candles , do their food or rituals that I remember them by .. and honour them really <3 .. every layer of trauma / understanding I get throughout the year seems to bring a new appreciation of all of them when it comes to this time <3 .. hope your ‘celebrations’ go well too xxx

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