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pts(d), on a budget.

an open letter to Me: backdated 8ish years –

dear me: you are going to have to do pts(d) on a very fucking tight budget aight. but we got this!


wtf? i hear you say.

let me explain.

yes: you should be able to have this ‘mental illness’ & the resources to access a wide range of research, opinions, trials, medication, tips, adjustments, care, counselling, psychologists, physical health check ups etc etc. it ‘should’ be a. easy to find and b. free or low cost.

but it won’t be.

and this is tip number 1:

expect absolutely nothing for free, including advise, from any healthcare provider, post-diagnosis.

which runs into tip number 2:

expect absolutely nothing that will ‘benefit’ your long term self-management.

once you fully understand the following statement, it’ll make your future ‘shopping’ for pts(d) care, a lot simpler.

the idea is to make you dependent, and broke. the idea is Not to assist in making you well.

got that?

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so, after the diagnosis is done and you’re floundering around wondering “what the actual fuck dude … does this mean i’m nuts or what?”; the simple answer is, Yes.

but as you try to get some assistance with understanding what the fuck has just transpired, you will be met with lengthy phone calls, meetings that aren’t available for months, people that aren’t ‘qualified’ but still charge a surcharge for consultation, professionals who have waiting lists but are able to ‘fit you in’ if you are willing to pay the ‘full-price’ (and fyi: this is where you will learn there are ‘scales’ of prices … IKR!) … you’ll also get met with paper work for days and prescriptions to ‘trial’ ‘for free’, but you still won’t get a straight answer to the question: “what does it mean … i have pts(d)?”

the simple solution to all this fuckery, is cheap.

you need to google it.

research it online – @ the library (free); @ a friends house … use the free Wifi @ your local supermarket … whatever it takes. and keep googling until you have a tonne of ‘advice’ you can feel semi-satisfied with.

take that shit home and sift through it. fyi … it’ll take ages, but thats ok.

don’t make appointments, take the drugs, give up the food or the alcohol or anything else, until you’ve done the research and understand what the fuck is going on.

as over simplified as that may sound, just know, that you will spend in excess of 5 years waiting for said diagnosis, trialing medications and waiting for explanations all because you had no fucking google.

Just Saying.

next: once you have a clear understanding of what you are dealing with, know that this is going to change. thats right. it’ll change. so expect no continuity or structure. you can burn that shit with the pts(d) manual you downloaded.

i’m saying this now, because if you drop the expectations for ‘recovery’ you have nothing to live up to and you have solved half if not 3/4 of your fucking ‘issue’. you’ve also weeded out the need for lengthy and costly therapy sessions and psychologist sessions. just roll with it. all of it. it’s a hell ride, but you been there and done that before, & this is a piece of piss in comparison …

next: beg, borrow or steal access to a computer and / or phone and an internet connection & you can access self help blog sites, reading material of people that have utilised nature, animals, friends etc to help them self manage. try it all. read it all. find what works for you.

next: sit in the sun. sleep in the sun. block your ears, cover your eyes and soak up the warmth. no sun? find your happiest spot with your warmest blanket and do the same. & music; lots & lots of music. when the wifi runs out ..  sing :) or just hum. as weird as that sounds and as freaked out as you might be @ first, the objective isn’t to join the local fucking choir … the objective is to a. give yourself a voice, b. change the vibration in your body and c. soothe yah.

next: nightmares, flashbacks, smells, sounds … all bitches.

take the sleep drugs. you need to sleep, relax & catchup on sleeping & relaxing. the objective here is to find your new normal. what you can live with and what you can’t. you can’t do that stressing about fitting back into a ‘norm’ that doesn’t work for you.

& last but not least: you will wait for over 8 years for an income & during that time you won’t buy clothes or food or go shopping or compare internet prices. you won’t write a wishlist for christmas or birthdays or go out for coffee or dinner. you will lose your triple A credit rating and all your financial ‘vices’; your perceived independence will go up in flames as will your access to perceived freedoms.

but guess what. you won’t need any of that because your going to be too fucked to care.

this is the beginning of the end for you.

this is where we find out what the fuck you are really made of.

because you will eventually see that all the shit you thought was important, isn’t. all the shit that you thought you needed, you didn’t. all the shit you thought you couldn’t live without, including your ‘independence’ & ‘freedom’, you can. you’ll learn that money, like a career, is nothing but numbers & paper & won’t buy you family or time. you’ll learn a house is nothing more than space with walls & is serving you well if it keeps you dry & warm. you’ll learn that your voice is louder than you thought & scarier than you thought; that it’s fierce & fiery as well as dark & deep as well as low & loving. you’ll learn that pts(d) is nothing but letters & you were what you were long before some cunt strung those letters together to try & limit you with a diagnosis.

and most importantly, you will learn that your place in this world is exactly where you are now. & if you stop struggling with it all, you’ll realise you are perfect, just the way you are.

& that my compadre, is how you’re going to do pts(d).


ps: breath bitch ;)


kpm ©


next ..

a sarcastic warning for IG users : vixlence & depresso shit proceeds .. as usual ..
yo welcome.

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i was remembering being chased down in the house & beaten. id managed to dodge a few chairs & fists .. im gonna thank my early years of dance training for that .. ehhhh 😂 . . but eventually my systemically oppressed body got accosted & busted up.

as my baby slept in the adjacent room.

apparently i had looked a ‘certain way’ .. acted a ‘certain way’ .. which was all behaviour deserving of a beating that fine summers evening.

in that world of mine, i was a fresh 16 year old who had recently given birth & was being medically gaslit (not a word / concept then 🙄) re a ‘lump’ in my breast.

fun times.

anyways . . running round that table .. lil did i actuals know .. that i, was in the throes of the repeated learnings of two valuable life lessons.

  1. that ‘women’ who ‘look’ &/or ‘act in a certain way’, as defined by the ‘others’ .. will need to manage ‘dodge-mode’.
  2. i have never & will never, ‘run for fun’ 🙄😂🤦🏽‍♀️
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    so, heres to honouring all aspects of my survival.
    & heres to looking / acting a certain way, always 🖕🏾😊
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    extensively . . grateful af, i am.
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    .

#birthdaymonth

#birthdayyear

#perimenopause

#transitional

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#kpm©


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so, we got a new outlay .. & im still just fuckin round .. as usual ..

lol.

& i kept having this nagging thought that i Should be updating shit & doing shit on here, like waaay tf more than i do at present .. or have been over the last couply years ..

generally though .. & honestly. i can’t be assed.

peoples are neck deep nay eyeball deep, exhausted on exhausted from the last couple fuckshit years that have transpired .. i am no different.

& its been kinda mind blowing really, watching peoples try & contort themselves back into what Was, by no means a healthy way for Us or the Environment to be existing .. but they tryna do it anywaaaaaays ..

*big ass sigh*

so, ive done some tutuing . . rearranged a few things .. deleted a few things .. & have come up with something i can fuck with again ..

ive updated the intro page with hopefully all the necessary bits yous will need .. pretty much though .. ive rehashed the content of this blog, into categories or chapters .. & ill publish / unpublished as i need.

so if you see everything disappear, don’t be alarmed ..

its just Me .. being Me lol.

so.

enjoy that seasonal holiday situation thats coming up soon.

do something user friendly & sustainable ay. something thats good for yah soul & the earth & your fellow humans.

& ill see yah soon ..

ps:  i’ve left you with the 2021 birthday month assortment / ensemble. enjoy.

churr.


kpm©

 

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.. ..30

“yo .. thanks, for not trying to ‘lighten the mood.’
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if the whole child / sexual assault tip, has upheaved shit for yah, start by talking to someone .. anyone .. that you trust.
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ive put a link in the bio for nz peeps. they have resources & assistance for this sorta shit or can link you to the resources yah might need, whatever part of the process you at. for other countries im gonna suggest also looking at wellstop resources & then googling something similar for your country of residence.
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healing is painful af, but so is pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad … now is the time. breathe deep. you survived & next moves will require the same amount of resilience .. but focussed on more than survival. the time for protecting rapey abusers is way the fuck over. taking care of / healing You / Us is number 1 priority. healing You / Us, helps heal / prevents nek gen havoc.
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if u know of a child / ren being hurt, speak out on their behalf .. for the love of all things decent, don’t be a silent bystander. that shit is old af & has no place in the world we trying to make for our nek gens.
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ps : thanks for being here ✊
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& that concludes birthday month ..
ake ake amene.
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also #FTP ”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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.. 29

“fyi: there ain’t no such thing as ‘if I/you just’ ..
.. take enough vitamins
.. pray to the right gods
.. move my self differently
.. approach with more
.. mind what i say
.. do what they suggest ..
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it is literally ‘the skirt was too short’ syndrome way of living life, & it’ll steal everything that is left of your soul if you let it.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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.. .28

“i am begining to have the most profound-est respect for what my body has carried & endured. i honour it by .. living well.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

somebody have mercy ~ sam cooke

somebody have mercy ~ sam cooke, 1962

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. . . 27

“simplicity is my safe space.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

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.. 26

“me & me body have endured detrimental encounters, moral judgement, physical invasion & unwelcome damnation, for a very, very .. very long time. left to fend or defend, my body remembers that shit. hence it’s ever present caution.
yes, my body remembers well. & has learned well .. 
I see it.
Feel it.
Take note.
& take precautionary motherfucken measures.
if an experience should turn out to be a pleasant one. churr. that can go toward the count & i will reminisce on the pleasantness. yeah.
but until that balance is balanced balanced …
I will remain forever cautious.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

nightshift ~ commodores

nightshift ~ commodores, 1985

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…. .25

“& they all came home with pts(d) & lived traumatically ever after ..”.
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#anzac
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

Video

soul sista ~ bilal

soul sista ~ bilal, 2000

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. . . ..24

“imagine if the response to children being harmed, was as organised, easy & efficient, as selling off #stolenland.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

forever don’t last ~ jazmine sullivan

forever dont last ~ jazmine sullivan, 2015

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… 23

“to be entirely ignored, is a special nek level kinda fuckery.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

Video

tell him ~ lauryn hill

tell him ~ lauryn hill, 1998

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. .. .22

” .. ‘why would you do that to a child?’ ..
DMX.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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Rest in the utmost power & love Ma’Khia Bryant. 
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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southernplayalistic ~ outkast

southerplayalistic ~ outKast, 1994

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.21

“expose them rapey rellys. they ain’t nothing but dead weight reaking havoc. they need to go.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

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bring your loving home ~ nu soul habits

bring your loving home – nu soul habits, 1994

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.. 20

“how do you resolve something that covers 96% of the soul?”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

do the right thing ~ red head kingpin

do the right thing ~ redhead kingpin & the fbi, 1989

.. … .. .19

“grief:
piece by piece?
each piece gets reversed, recycled, refucked, released?”
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sometimes, all that soothes, is the music.
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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… .18

“then this twot reckons .. ‘do you have any record that you told anyone or sought professional assistance … ‘
.. so,
i wrote me up a big ass affadavit & got me a bad ass lawyer, to present the ‘professional assistance’ cunt, with all the people i sought ‘assistance’ from, before i was old enough to vote.
the over arching re-ality dripping offve that document?
the distinct lack of systemic interest & intervention.
similar to the aforementioned twot.
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NEXT …”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

you’re mine ~ raving george ft oscar & the wolf

you’re mine ~ raving george ft oscar & the wolf, 2014

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. .. . .. 17

“when does it stop ..”.
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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Rest in love young man 
& #FTP you baby murdering bastards.


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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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. . . …16

“not one ounce of any of it any time, do i take for granted. not ever. ever.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

really love ~ d’angelo and the vanguard

really love ~ d’angelo and the vanguard, 2014

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.15

.. intermission ..
us. 17ish years . . . give or take 浪
seventeen motherfucking years .. sweet geeeeezus 藍
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them pics pretty much sum up the secret to our relationship .. 臘‍♀️
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Luff u ✊
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

. . ..14

“i know im a ‘lucky one’ .. fuck luck though. really shouldn’t be about luck.
shouts to all them babies who didn’t get to go to kohanga .. to all them new entrants who didn’t get that lame ass class photo .  . to all them pre teens that couldn’t make the pain stop .. & all them precious souls, who couldn’t live with pts(d) anymore.
feel you & see you.”
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*Google children who have been killed by abuse nz.*
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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Rest in power Daunte Wright. Arohamai to his peoples. 
Let the rest burn 
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

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…. . 13

“it’s an entire in-vasion.
tinana, mauri & wairua.
healing, requires an entire re-in-vasion.
tinana, mauri & wairua.”

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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

break ups to make ups ~ meth

break ups to make ups – method man ft d’angelo, 1999

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1 2 . ..

“assuming that just saying no is as simple as it sounds, is a denial so so deep, to shift that, would cause everything y’all believe in, to cave the fuck in.
let it happen.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

killing me softly ~ fugees

killing me softly ~ fugees, 1996

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11 . . ..

“i can see in the dark-ness.
its a gift.
not a gift i wanted.
but a gift nonetheless.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

m.e.t.h.o.d. man ~ wu / meth

M.E.T.H.O.D man ~ wu tang clan / method man, 1993

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10 . . .

“i can see u cringe when I speak ..”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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Rest in Power & Love @DMX 
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“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

dance ~ lemar

dance ~ lemar, 2003

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9 …

“‘member that time yous went all ‘intellectual property rights’ on me? then yous had the cheek to try to deliver my story like you knew somthin bout being violated, but yah didn’t, therefore your delivery was shhhhiiiite ..
& in conclusion : fuck y’all.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

channel zero ~ lost boyz

channel zero – lost boyz, 1995

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..8

“sshhhhush .. yous had your time.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

ascension ~ maxwell

ascension (don’t ever wonder) ~ maxwell, 1996

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.. . . ..7

“i remember being frozen in that corner, crying & couldn’t articulate what i felt, just the feeling of ‘Not wanting to be right here. right now.’
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but y’all still let him in.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

betray my heart ~ d’angelo & the vanguard

betray my heart ~ d’angelo & the vanguard, 2014

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.. . . .. 6

“they made their choices.
& now i make mine. i got better taste though. JS.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

. .. . 5

“i don’t believe in forgiveness. forgiveness assumes that i give a shit ’bout you.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Video

alessia cara ~ here

here ~ alessia cara, 2015

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. . . . . 4


“back in the day i was assured that fuckshit behaviour wasnt the norm .. ‘youre hyper sensitive’ was what they said. turns out, motherfuckers were all shit. i ain’t hyper sensitive, & fuckshit behaviour is a whole world norm”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©
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“April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

. . 3

some things cost a whole lot more than money ..
from first thought to last action .. I know who much this cost you my beautiful friend, & I appreciate it massively ✊
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@mrs_mixxwell
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
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#kpm©

Video

get to know ya ~ maxwell

get to know ya ~ maxwell, 2001

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… .2

“don’t wish i was like u. have a look @ what i am.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid #polaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_legit #noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet #street_leaks
#streetoftones #streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife #bnwmacro
#lensculture #lensonstreets
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#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#kpm©

Video

tell me ~ groove theory

tell me – groove theory, 1995

.. .1

“what wrong wit it ..
pfft.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood #noirlovers #bnw_world
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#sweet_street_beat
#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth #tings #epic #micdrop
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#kpm©

Video

lady love me ~ george benson

lady love me (one more time) – george benson, 1983

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. . . .

me be 49 so soon_ish. pending.
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taking it back to my favorite tings . .
dark
morose
distortion,
of the
renovating pictorial
&
linguistical kind.
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#bnwmood #bnw_mood #noirlovers #bnw_world
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#sweet_street_beat
#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
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#birthdaymonth
#pending
#fortynineyears of #epicness
#micdrop


#kpm©

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.. .. ..

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photography .251

#changes #seasons #aloevera #kpm©


kpm ©


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my life: my 1972 beginning

Of course I wouldn’t remember what I was up too in the first year of life … so I’ve worked with the stories I remember being told.

My Grandfather was a constant … the Love of My tiny little life x

What I’ve also learnt since the original writing of this, was I was a happy baby … a happy child. Now thats a nice thought ay xo

I’m not sure what time I was born, I must ask…but I arrived mid year, 1972. From what I remember being told, I was late…are we surprised? No! lol

I was born into a climate of change….revolution I guess. From what I can gather, this was the era that Maori were reinstating their rights and making a shit load of noise to be heard…their protests and cries changed history. My mother was part of this. Again…am I really surprised I am like I am then?

At home, once again from what I’ve been told, my mother was ‘sad’…she was married to my father, but not in a happily married sense. My father was mean to her. Which is a nice way to put it…he said he was cruel to her…she never really said anything. Just that she wasn’t happy with him.

She wasn’t happy at all though. She had glimmers of it, but not much. She said she thought about ending her life before I was born, but she didn’t because I was in her womb. I think that was supposed to be consolation at the time. I don’t know that I took it that way initially. It just made sense. My own sense of aloneness and unwantedness, made sense. I didn’t belong. I wasn’t looked forward too. Or so it seemed. It left a wound.

My mother left my father when I was about 7-9 months old I think. Grandad came and got her and me, and took us back to their place. I loved my Grandad :). Apparently, my father told me this, my Grandad decked my father when he came to see us at their home. Apparently it was the only response Grandad ever had to my father. My father didn’t come back. I don’t remember missing him. I don’t ever remember him till later on in life. So he was neither remembered of missed.

I think we lived with my Grandparents for a while. I love my Grandparents…I was a good baby….my Nan wanted me to stay with her and Grandad. But I didn’t, not all the time.

This is what I’ve been told. It feels about right…and of course I don’t recollect this period…but it feels right.

*

It’s so easy to remember what’s seared into the memory, the things that you’ve been told…the hard wired fear.

It’s not so easy to recollect the good things when they seem to be swamped with the negative. My life has always seemed a negative.

But, after finishing last night, I remembered other things id been told.

Both my Grandparents adored me….I was the first moko for my father’s side, from my father; his first child. I was named after my paternal Grandmother. They were from the east coast; Maori speaking, and a huge family. Indigenous peoples.

My paternal Grandfather, said to be a violent man, had died before I was born. Turns out he was also in WW1 and died upon return. My father was his name sake.

My maternal Grandparents were hearty old schoolers. 5 am start, garden, breakfast, washing out before 7am, in and folded before 10am. Lunch at 12, afternoon tea and 3, dinner at 5, the news at 6, bed at 830pm. Hard working, they both ran their own businesses; Nan a self-taught hairdresser, and Grandad a builder by trade after returning from WW2. They were healthy, not always happy, but healthy and strong. They were solid people, reliable people, giving and loving people.

My mother was the second of three live children. The only female. She was apparently quiet, reserved, pleasant and sweet. Super talented introvert.

Her older brother was outgoing, loud, a fighter and a lover. He was passionate. He was an alcoholic also. I remember his love and roar. A drummer, singer…super talented introvert disguised as an extrovert.

My mothers younger brother was an asshole. A sickly child and a tortured soul. He turned into a sick man.

My maternal Grandfather was indigenous, his family coming from the river. His was the era though, that being ‘white’ was encouraged. The native tongue was discouraged. His father was Scottish. And I think it was his father’s father who was French-Canadian; id have to double-check that though.

My maternal Grandmother was from a small town up the west coast, her parents immigrants from England I think. Her father was Irish or Scottish I think. I strong stroppy woman who had had her fair share of shit to deal with. She recounted stories of being treated unfairly, being unloved. But I think these were some of her darker times.

So I was born into a climate of depression, separation and anxiety. But I was also born into a climate of innovation, entrepreneurship, survival, hope, strength, talent, music and love. I came with deep indigenous roots, a soul that searched for meaning and justice. A multi layered, faceted and cultured heritage.

#mystory


kpm ©


DONATE @ Te Kotahitanga O te Wairua


me and ptsd.

I have ptsd.

At the moment.

I write to get that shit out,  to give it ‘a voice’. To get relief and clarity.

My earliest memories are dark. I have had night mares as long as I can remember. I have never slept longer than two to three hours, unaided.

I see danger in every situation. Even the good ones.

I look for motive and intent in others long before I can physically see them. I am and have always looked for ‘the angle’ that is being played. It is my understanding that there is always a hidden agenda to another’s actions and the only way to protect myself is to stay one step ahead.

Apparently this is PTSD. But this is my normal.

Living this way was bearable until I got physically sick and couldn’t control what was happening to my body and my  mind. I therefore cut myself off from everyone and everything.

As at April 21st 2015 (date of publishing; one month after commencing my blogging expedition) ~  I am no longer employed, I don’t drive, or walk out of the house and down the road, if I don’t have too; I don’t like surprises, I get startled easy, my mind races and my heart pounds way too fast for the amount of energy I ‘don’t’ exert; my palms sweat when I feel anxious; my head aches and my chest tightens when I feel too enclosed or trapped or feel like I have no choice…to name but a few.

So, this is not my ‘feel good’…when I made it through the cloudy skies, to the silver lining and over the rainbow, I turned into a well-paid self-help guru…story. This is all the shit in between…good and bad, that got me to this point.

Every ptsd peep has a gory story that goes with the title and while it’d be nice to have a ‘moving on’ theme song whilst I build a bridge that goes over it all, that’s not the point.

These are my mundane horrors.

The blah de blah of life, that goes along, one shit fest after another. The mundane horrors that there are no support groups or campaigns to stamp out and eradicate for. The mundane stuff that peeps say…’just get over it already’, too. The stuff the partner cringes at; the stuff the healers say need to be ‘let go of’; the stuff the psychologists say ‘to breathe through’. Oh as well as all the mundane daily hells that go hand in hand with ‘getting over it already’, ‘moving on’, ‘letting it go’, ‘breathing it through’; feeling my breath stop, my heart race, my hands sweat, my eyes blurr, my stomach lurch, my chest tighten…all that shit too. All the shit that should be talked about, but instead gets left in the frozen food section next to the jelly that no one buys.

But I have always fought back, one way or another. And this is me fighting again. As I have always done, in my own way.

I want to be able to leave the house, of my own free will; to get enjoyment from life; to be content with who I am. I don’t want to ‘reintegrate’ back into a society that I was never really part of to begin with. I still believe the world is a dark dark place. Especially for the vulnerable. Maybe I may change my mind by the time I’m done; or maybe I’ll just accept who I am – completely.


kpm©