now that we’ve found love ~ heavy d & the boyz: ft aaron hall, 1991
Advertisements
the d.
define emotions.
why? is that gonna make them go away? or make them better?
i think the fuck Not.
kpm ©
photography .222
once upon another time:
my kids got used as bait. bait to manipulate me into being something that i wasn’t. something i didn’t want to be.
they’d be dangled like a worms on a fish hook. ‘do as we say’. bend as we will you too.
considering my first baby was born when i was 16 & im 47 now, that’s a mighty fucken long time to be carrying around a grungy burden that again, wasnt mine to bare.
but bare it i motherfucking did.
& now i find myself trying to make up for my perceived mistakes. mistakes that weren’t actual mistakes. choices that were coerced & manipulated. bent.
& i wonder if that sick feeling, for having hurt them or fucked up some how, is not actually mine to bare. at. all.
that just by the act of being one hundy percent me, i in fact give that burden, that manipulation & coercion the big fat motherfucking middle finger.
because in essence, i am being what i was taught i should not be. should not say. should not do.
so i am technically fucking the heavens & earth & everything that lays in between.
fuck yous. fuck your heaven. your hell. your god. your jesus. your religion. your thoughts. your beliefs.
none of them are mine.
#mystory
kpm ©
hey …
yes, im delving into the depresso espresso.
yippie fuckers …
kpm ©
language ~ annie crummer
language ~ annie crummer, 1992
peace?
to make peace with that part of me that doesn’t trust me or anyone else. who can’t / won’t love anything.
that’s apparently ‘the goal’.
but that doesn’t sound logical to me. not at all.
kpm ©
negotiate-ting.
shoulders way tighter than i realised.
in the morning. they tighten with any noise.
they’re deducing the tone and the mood.
& then my stomach starts turning from there.
but, still and quiet doesn’t feel safe either.
in that, im negotiating myself out of that space.
that silence, that may cost me my life today.
that day.
kpm ©
.
i dont trust me.
kpm ©
baby ~ brandy
baby ~ brandy, 1994
photography .221
x2.
my body feels like screaming. not my mouth. my body.
my soul feels like running. not my body. my soul.
kpm ©
skin deep.
once upon a time i was told i was ugly.
not verbally.
but somehow it became a narrative i lived out.
the actuality was something quite different.
most people within my little life said i was quite beautiful.
but there was a kinda oozing puss that dripped over that statement slash ‘compliment’.
im not sure if thats what i ‘heard’ as being the ugly part.
but it is the part that i internalised.
as they said with their mouths ‘you’re beautiful’, they showed with their mannerisms & deeds, that i was worthless piece of shit.
kpm ©
too close ~ next
too close ~ next, 1997
nil.
i dont want your advice. i never asked for it.
i dont want your opinion. i never asked for it.
but you’ve given both like i asked, needed, wanted, required, them.
guess what.
i’ve had enough of them already & i’m way over it.
like, waaaaaaay over it.
that’s all.
kpm ©
i wonder.
if i change narrative, will that change the facts?
or just the ending?
kpm ©
can we ~ swv
can we ~ swv ft missy elliot, 1997
quickie
lately, i have felt like a wounded animal or sitting duck. which makes me feel as vulnerable AF.
i dont like it.
not feeling ok, or not completely alert and on to it, makes me feel as vulnerable AF.
i dont like it.
panic attacks makes me tired & i want to sleep which makes me feel as vulnerable AF.
i dont like it.
& then feel even weaker, which i have tried to avoid at all costs, cos, yes thats right, it makes me feel as vulnerable AF.
i dont like it.
not one little bit.
kpm ©
fyi:
black dont crack & brown dont breakdown.
you’re welcome.
kpm ©
sooo …
fact: my mind cant protect my body, and my body cant protect my mind anymore.
.
btw the psychologist gig is going well so far … shieeet.
kpm ©
