Someone says to me the other day .. ‘have yah smeared yah mear’ .. & while I get the sentiment .. I also wondered where on earth they dug too to come back with the audacity to ask me about my minge & what I do with it.
Cos apparently us natives don’t know any better.
Smears are free for us marrriiis. And all hail you and your teke if you want the plastic crowbar up there .. but honestly, I ain’t gonna post on IG whether my minge got hoisted open and scrapped.
My minge my business. And I’m not even going near the trauma allllll that shit entails. My minge, my trauma, my business.
yah know how I been talking randomly about shit being hard, good shit I mean .. being hard to do when you in a state of panic or anxiety .. & that loving something enough to want to be doing it is like, level zero. cos you been wired to be picking up on multiple threats or deal with multiple layers of anxiety and trauma, all at once? well … it kinda pissed me off .. & got me thinking. what do I love. love enough to want to be doing all the time. not a job. but a thing, what you call it .. a hobby .. anyways .. after thinking a lot a lot one night lol the only thing I could come up with that I absolutely loved .. have always loved .. was, music. specifically, playing music. & as lame ass as it seemed at first lol I’m gazing round my room, looking at my records, & staring at my decks, & pondering on the meaning of motherfucking life and existence lol & there it was. my love. the thing I’ve always loved. playing music. then I got nervous .. groan. & my head says .. ‘you suck at playing those’ ..
& instead of entertaining that thought process, my insides said .. ‘fuck up. she been busy surviving & now she got time to do whatever the fuck she wants to in whatever capacity she wants.’
so that’s what I’m doing.
going through all my records. figuring out which ones I love. trying to mix them. changing the BPM cos I didn’t know what I was doing way back when. listening. smiling. listening some more.
guess what. I love it. dunno for how long. dunno if it’s something I’ll do forever. but .. if I died tomorrow. I’d be happy with what I’ve discovered.
it’s near impossible to read anything when u feel unsafe? that’s what came to me today. after wondering what it is I love or even like, to do. i realised I’d been following the sunshine round my house, you know, when it comes through the windows and is warm but not too hot . . & I sit or lie in it’s warmth, & read … i’m reading three books now. mainly just one though. it’s from a series of kids horror books .. the other 2 books are way more grown up, but I like the kid ones. anyways, I realised, I never read for the fuck of it, because I was always alert. whilst alert nothing can be a major distraction because your senses are spread out. & there’s no room for engrossing make believe when real life is exhausting as fuck. sooooo, today I’ll continue with my little horror books. lying on the floor in the sun. in safeish safety. practicing .. rest. without all my senses freaking themselves the fuck out. . fyi :just random thoughts.
it mental health awareness month . . & i wonder .. does that shit apply to injury. see .. the sexual assault of a child & the ongoing torture and torment of that child, right up into adulthood, is a crime .. right? like an actual legit crime. right? covered by acc & all, the effects of that crime are considered injuries. however those injuries have to be diagnosed as mental illness / injury to be legitly covered. so i wanna know how telling the victim of multiple crimes, that they are infact the one with the mental illness. how the fuck that help .. any body. Any time. At all.
i was absolutely perfect just the way i am. roll with me for a sec.
if i had nothing to master, strive for, or attain, where exactly would that leave me .. knowing that i already am enough.
i love playing music.
i could succumb to the notion that i can’t play music properly. that there is a proper way to do it.
a flow to be had, a way to learn.
and until i had learned-ded it, i wouldn’t never be completely competent in that genre. i would probably need to spend a large sum of money to attain this attainment, some kind of degree or something, so a large wad of debt perhaps .. then maybe i could play music. maybe. but what if all i needed was
love for it.
wouldn’t that make me competent already. how and when i play music isnt really the point ay.
i can push play i got ears to hear. toes to tap. hips to swing doesn’t that make me competent enough.
. Now take that theory and lay it over everything we’ve ever been taught about achieving and attaining shit.
“yo .. thanks, for not trying to ‘lighten the mood.’ . . if the whole child / sexual assault tip, has upheaved shit for yah, start by talking to someone .. anyone .. that you trust. . ive put a link in the bio for nz peeps. they have resources & assistance for this sorta shit or can link you to the resources yah might need, whatever part of the process you at. for other countries im gonna suggest also looking at wellstop resources & then googling something similar for your country of residence. . . healing is painful af, but so is pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad … now is the time. breathe deep. you survived & next moves will require the same amount of resilience .. but focussed on more than survival. the time for protecting rapey abusers is way the fuck over. taking care of / healing You / Us is number 1 priority. healing You / Us, helps heal / prevents nek gen havoc. . . if u know of a child / ren being hurt, speak out on their behalf .. for the love of all things decent, don’t be a silent bystander. that shit is old af & has no place in the world we trying to make for our nek gens. . . ps : thanks for being here ✊ . . & that concludes birthday month .. ake ake amene. . also #FTP ” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets