
TW : some morbid/ish bs .. .. ..
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today was .. dizzying.
dreamt bout grandad again last night. that’s twice in 1 week. but no more than half a dozen in the last 14ish years.
‘sitting with it’ ..
( really gotta find an alternative name to that phrase .. I don’t like it .. like , journey and moving forward lawd strike me down now ..
Anyways .. digression )
& I dunno if the moon is in your anus or if the planets are in digital alignment at the minute. but shit is def weird af.
anyway ..
grandad was making plum sauce .. in my dream. @ the old house. the one he built.
the one he built with the trade that he was ‘given’ after returning from world war fucking 2. he chose a trade .. not land.
the house where I felt the most love.
the house where I experienced on my lil & growing body and soul, mongrelised depths of depravity.
the house where the smell of bacon & tomatoes meant going to work & love.
the house where the stench of bodily excrements & boiling opium, stuck to the walls.
how can all that coexist in one place.
i spose it has, in me.
screaming & smiling.
smiling & screaming.
the most protection experienced & the most vulnerability exploited .. all in one place.
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i suspect .. because he’s not talking to me .. this is grandad’s way of being near me.
his way of protecting.
his silent, slightly traumatised, way of holding onto my insides while they crumble.
making plum sauce for us .. was an act of love on so many levels.
I miss him.
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#life
#love
#demons
#unravel
#peace
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#bnw
#polaroid
#lil
#me
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#kpm©