Yes. Yes I do.
I wonder sometimes if I was a middle to upper class white guy, how much different my world would look right now.
Bare with Me.
Would the pts(d) have gone undiagnosed for so long? … No.
Because as a middle to upper class white guy, I would have had access to some dam fine resources; both personally and professionally.
Would a middle to upper class white guy had his bank insurance denied because of a ‘pre-existing condition’, that was not diagnosed by a ‘professional’? …. No.
Because he just wouldn’t have! Thats why! And technically speaking, refer to the above reasons.
Professionally speaking, as a middle to upper class white guy, would a “medical discharge” from my profession been my only available option? … Also No.
a. There would have been another ‘niche’ for Me to fill that required ball sacks only. b. There would have been professional avenues extended to Me as an ‘executive’ with ‘formal qualifications’. c. The doors of opportunity would have been thrust open, using my ‘incapabilities’ as an avenue for ‘climbing the ladder’.
As a person with a lack of ball sacks, were these things offered? … No.
Instead, motherhood was a ‘hinderance’ and stifled my ladder climbing abilities apparently.
Although aptly qualified, those became ‘over’ qualifications.
And although security and safety were sadly lacking at my place of employment, and probably led to the re-awakening of pts(d) panic fucks; I was instead asked about my hormones … whether I was having issues at home … whether I was to ‘small’ to work in this environment … and whether my dress code was in need of de-sexualising.
I worked in a kiddy prison for boys aged 14-17, for 4 years and if I had’ve known I had pts(d) prior to working there, I would have re-thought my strategy. Instead I walked in blind, to a patriarchal, systemically misogynistic and racist system, that I was unprepared for.
And here I am.
Qualifications still framed on the wall; breathing deeply so the anxiety doesn’t become unbearable … typing away, so I don’t dwell on this shit all day … trying to figure out how on earth I’m going to pay for my tooth to be pulled out … and looking down the barrel of Christmas, again, as a 40+ year old biological woman, whose hormones are fluctuating like fuckery, who owns virtually nothing but the computer gifted to her by her shrink; holes in her undies a massive headache and sweet fuck all to offer ‘the world’.
And … I can’t even say “At least I have my health”.
Days like today … I really do think that being a middle to upper class white guy would’ve been nice.
Please Note: No middle to upper class white guys were harmed during the writing of this post.