dif.

the beauty lays in the difference.


kpm ©


 

Image

farkin.fams.lol

If you’ve read my story then you’ll know that my normal is a PTSD normal. That comes with its own set of interesting hurdles. That, you would think, would be enough. The label and the box, should be enough.

But it appears that its not always.

The issue with being ME, is other people’s view and expectations of what ME should be. Generally, I deal with it, because your average joe blow’s opinion of ME doesn’t really phase my world.

However, the average joe blow’s opinion of ME does phase the partners world. He’s a bit lame like that. But it goes in ebbs and flows and he hasn’t known me all my life, so occasionally I excuse his ignorance. I deal with it. Because I love him; after I’ve resisted the urge to throttle him.

And then there’s ‘family’.

I don’t really have to explain ME to my mother anymore. Her understanding of who I am has grown. And I love that.

My wider family – well I don’t let them in.

My daughters; well, they are my closest and most vulnerable spot.

I put up with more from them because of my love for them. And unlike the rest of the mothers in the world, I’m not perfect ;) therefore I made mistakes. So when they come to me with a wound, about my parenting or who I was, or who I am … I listen.

But sometimes, it makes my heart hurt.

I’ve had a few days of ‘You should be’ … ‘I Wish You Were More Like…’, with my youngest daughter. To be fair, she’s a late bloomer, so her ‘issues’ with me haven’t really presented themselves until now. And I listened as she vented about how she wished I was ‘like other mothers’; ‘like other nans’ … how she wanted me to be more supportive and hands on; more affectionate and caring; visibly. And I listened.

I understand the need to vent and let go. She looked hurt and relieved all at the same time, so I was pleased with that. Sort of.

And usually I would leave it at that and go away and lick my wounds.

But I cringe when everything goes to this place again. I have dealt with others view of me and what they think I should be doing, ALL my life. If it wasn’t a religious view, it was a theoretical view; then an ‘older’ view and an educated view. All in all, it’s always everyone elses view, and a misconstrued view at that.

I can count the occasions, on one hand, where someone has ‘got it’ and accepted it, instantly. Those that have, have also been ‘outsiders’.

So I licked my wounds for a day and then sat down to talk to my daughter again. I apologised for any harm I may have caused her when she was younger.

BUT

She was wanting me to be different from what I am. And I couldn’t do or be what she was expecting from me. That at times, I would ‘be more’, but that would be because I wanted to be that way. That what was done, was done. I couldn’t change or reverse it. And at the end of the day, she shouldn’t let what I wasn’t or what I am not, eat her up. She needed to find a way to let it go.

I also went into something I don’t usually.

Her father.

I asked why; although it was ok and justified to be annoyed or disappointed with me; she didn’t expect the same of her father – who had virtually nothing to do with my girls after they came back to live with me. I asked her why it was ok to have me up on my mistakes, but not him.

She was surprised but understood.

I love my daughters no end …

But I am tired of not being understood … well having to explain who and what I am. I am tired of the expectations that are constantly hurled my way.

I think I dealt with it all better this time than others.

But it does make my heart hurt.

And then my eldest daughter rang. She had been talking with her sister.

‘Mum’ she says; ‘I did say to her, that she needs to find a way to accept you as you are. That what you have been through effected you in certain ways. And that’s not going to change. But that if she loves you, she’ll accept you’.

‘And she will Mum, because she loves you. And I love you. Just as you are.’

‘You are really a good mother Mum.’

And then I cried.

I love my babies.


kpm ©


 

 

Image

unfuck.ed.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

i actually thought about dieting & exercise the other day. mainly for the next years goals, cos I’m a fat fucker now; well fatter than i have ever been …

and just as i was thinking about googling diet types, i thought … fuck it, i aint doing this body shaming bullshit. it’s too fucking exhausting! i might be a fat fucker now, but thats ok. it’s better than being the underweight fucker who threw up everything she ate!

so that solves that goal. instead of dieting, i’m going to work on accepting my body for all that it is – like it is.

cos guess what – you only get one of these things& once it’s done, it’s done. i think i’d rather spend time appreciating it that killing it slowly.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

ahhh okay … lets talk gender – trans and / or otherwise

I think I’ve written about this topic before, but possibly in amongst other ramblings and not a direct action as such … and I’m not really keen on ‘highlighting’ or repeating myself … this is more an exercise of ‘get that shit off’ve your chest now … clear your head … then respond …’

The topic being ‘transgender’ technically, but really, for Me, this has more to do with ‘difference’ and how those that ‘view’ the ‘others’, are doing that viewing and verbalising.

Why the post?

My NewsFeed at the moment is way over-populated with what I’d call ‘transgender – homosexual – difference’ abuse. And as I’m scrolling I’m thinking … ‘how the fuck did this happen … in my NewsFeed anyways’ … yes I know the ‘conversations’ (I use this term loosely) are happening … but it seems I am now in a position of having to decide on a position which I thought I had made pretty clear to anyone and everyone who asked re that positioning, and knew Me at all.

But apparently Not.

Now my bad, if I was not clear via posts and past in person conversations, so just to clarify, this is what I believe (Note: What “I” Believe … you are entitled to have differing beliefs)

  • Gender is a societal construct
  • Biology has Nothing to do with Gender

Wait … What?

Yes, I hear y’all saying …

“but gender and biology have everything to do with each other!”

Ahhh … Do they?.

You see, in my opinion, whether you put us in a dress or a clown outfit or a suit … we are still going to perform biologically, as we should, until we don’t. For biological ‘women’ that means our uterus starts to perform a monthly cycle of ovulation and period-ing; it means our breasts become equipped to fill up with milk so they can feed our off spring, if we become pregnant and give birth. Theres a whole lot more technical shit that goes on inside of us but I’m not good with technicals. You get my drift I’m sure. So how we dress, or how we act, or how we speak have absolutely no effect on how those biological happenings happen.

As a biological ‘woman’, who is now transitioning through menopause and will soon (hopefully!) cease to ovulate thusly the monthly ‘visits’ will also cease as my reproductive phase draws to an end … do I cease to be a gender identified Woman as so assigned to Me by the societal constraints? If I happen to grow a beard during that process, does this make Me a biological ‘man’? Or am I something in between?

I have personally been fighting the ‘gender constraints’ and ‘assignments’ ALL of my life, and this is the where the Feminism sort-of-kind-of fits in. Feminism has been / is my response to misogyny, and that isn’t just aimed at men! Not only has my response to being assaulted come from a biological womans perspective, it has come from a biological woman who has argued with every single cunt who has asked Me if I am a Miss, Mrs or Ms. You see, that is a gender assignment and has to do with keeping Me in the kitchen, my legs spread or a possible off limits lesbian. Crude examples I know, but you should be getting an idea of what I’m getting at.

Which brings Me to the ‘Trans’ debate.

For Me: There isn’t one.

As a biological woman who is transitioning through her natural phase of reproductivity, on to something else, I am not interested in assigning a ‘role’, or adding to what I believe is a growing prejudice that has spawned out of good old ignorance and fear, yet again.

So back to the point of this post …

I can scroll on over awkward opinions given about the ‘transitioning transgenders’, if they are opinions being shared in order to glean understanding about each other and another perspective.

I can not, and will not scroll on when it comes to blatant ‘gay – bashing’ (which by the way peoples, is So last century) and / or the degradation of a way of life and culture that you are not willing to understand and in all actuality, have not been asked to give an opinion on.

My position is:

I can’t and won’t agree with you opinions or your bigotry.

I won’t teach you. My experience is a biological womans experience. I am not a transitioning person per se, and am therefore not qualified to give a qualified opinion!

However … I won’t put up with your ignorance and bigotry and will remove You from Me and my world.

#TimesUp

  • Please Note: My only discrepancy with medical transitioning is with children. I don’t believe any child should be medicated and ‘adjusted’ so they can ‘fit in’ with a ‘Norm’. How about We change those ‘Norms’ so they can be free to be themselves, and when the time comes and they are Not children anymore, and if they still chose too, are supported in medically transitioning and empowering themselves.

<3


kpm ©


 

not then

not everyone

is born

during the

daytime.

otherwise

we’d all

see it

the same

way.


kpm©