delayed update, i know.
it’s been one of those weeks though … fuck it.
the fact i’m actually here, typing away, is pretty epic lol. but may have to do with the fact that i am slightly baked again.
but i’ll get to that soon.
the ACC appointment is worth more than a gold star.
mate … i was fucking awesome!!
which does NOT mean i didn’t snot all over the place or shake like a leaf or look like a leftover homeless person or smell like a giant sweat ball … no in fact, i was all those things, & more.
i got through the traffic prior to the appointment, with my mama driving lol, with only 1 panic attack of a 4-5 on the panic fuck scale. which is pretty good for me. & i was able to short track it by breathing deep & listening to my music & figuring out exactly what it was that was sending me into a panic.
it was the usual … being trapped. not having a choice.
once i’d figured it, i just cried. & felt better.
once we got there, i walked into the building with tears still rolling down my face. my mama didn’t flinch, which is what i needed. she didn’t console me or get nervous or upset; she just let me be. the lady @ the reception looked awkward but i said what i was there for & then sat down. i didn’t wait for her to do her thing … she found me on their schedule & then came round to give me the heads up on wait time etc. i didn’t really listen to her .. & continued breathing.
& it all fucking worked.
it worked because i knew what I was doing. not what everyone else was doing: but what I was doing.
i truly gave no fucks what was going on around me, as in, others reactions to how i ‘appeared’ & that made one hell of a difference.
if i had’a thought about it @ the time, i woulda taken a selfie, cos in hindsight i looked pretty funny. i had found my most comfortable-est clothes to wear & decided to ditch the shoes completely. they make me feel claustrophobic. i had my breakfast in a jug cos i hadn’t finished it @ home; i had a medium sized bag with all my necessary shizz in it.
by the time they were ready for me, i was humming the tunes playing through my headphones ;)
once in the ‘office’ & the psychiatrist had introduced himself, i told him i needed the heater off & the lights off otherwise i wouldn’t make it through an hours appointment. he obliged. i also let him know that im more comfortable sitting on the floor, so if i ended up there, just know … ‘i’m ok’ … LOL!
kudos to him, he was pretty chilled. thank fuck.
& the hour went pretty fast. i swore & talked & ate my breakfast & generally embraced my awesome self lol. i hadn’t rehearsed answers this time so what rolled is what rolled.
how do i know it went alright?
well, i wasn’t committed & i’m here ;) thats how i know.
to say i’m proud of my efforts is an understatement.
cos to add to all this i was having the period from hell (thankyou fertility goddesses … not impressed!), & my tooth had started rarking up more overnight & i’d had the total of 3 hours sleep. by all accounts, i should’a been a curled up ball in one of the corners of the room.
but here i was in all my motherfucking glory, owning my shit like a pro! & it felt good!
by the time i got home, i collapsed into a small heap for about 12 hours, but thats aight. i’m good with that!
the following day i had to make an emergency appointment for the dentist.
i managed that similarly to the ACC appointment; with a few minor hiccups, but that was ok too.
turns out my tooth is cracked right over a nerve hence the excruciating pain. & even though they loaded me with enough local anaesthetic to knock out a horse, i could still feel the pain, so they sent me home with antibiotics & i have to go back next week.
now up shot is: i’m ok. i’m ok with how i did. i’m ok with how i’m handling the pain (which is baked … sunny side up lol), & i’m ok with having to go back.
i figure stressing aint gonna help me in the slightest, so i’m employing some ‘man-sense’ & completely ignoring everything around me ;) so far its working lol.
any who …
high fucking five me! & i’m so stoked with Me i’m gonna buy myself something … not sure what yet lol, but i’m thinking something that looks like a gold star worthy achievement !!!