my stars & moon & a realisation.

i’ve been trying to do my first official ‘birthday month’ this month.

it’s something a person i know has done forever & i liked the sound of it, so wanted to give it a go.

tell yah what, it took a whole heap of stress off doing ‘birthday’ ‘day’. not that it was ever really overly stressful … but this year i felt more in control of it.

i’ll post more on the whole thing when this month is done … for now though …

part of my ‘doing what i want’ routine, included spending an evening with my eldest daughter: that in itself is hard for her, in different ways than me. they have 4 of my beautiful mokos & life is busy AF for her! taking 10 minutes to have a shit in peace is no easy thing, let alone spending an evening out of the house, with yah mama lol.

so i appreciated everything she did to make herself available. in my mind, that was her gift to me & i was extremely grateful.

but her & the fams gave me cupcakes too … bonus!!!

they’re those chocolate ones, that have gooey chocolate in the centre … OMG … they were divine!

as part of our evening out, i wanted to go & listen to this dude talk about astronomy & our cosmology surrounding the lunar calendar. now i knew it was a big thing, as in, it was going to be a crowded AF space … like 350+ people in a lecture theatre. but i booked tickets anyway & have worked on getting my shit together to get there.

“the usual routine.”

we had also decided to get this pizza @ a local restaurant & a large dose of coffee from another.

sooooooooo …. it didn’t quite work out as i’d planned … as either of us had planned actually.

both ‘sitters’ were late, which made us late for the astronomy thing.

positive note: i was calm. so was my daughter.

we got there 40 minutes late & when we got to the door we were greeted by 3 beautiful ladies who took us into the auditorium thing.

how-ever: once the door opened & i felt the heat, saw the crowd, smelt the smells & saw that the only seats available were way @ the back, or should i say right @ the top of a mountain of chairs … i knew i couldn’t do it. i backed out & told the last i had an anxiety disorder (short explanation) & that this wasn’t going to work for me.

sooooooo … they looked for an alternative.

now can i just say: that in all the years i’ve been battling & juggling pts(d) & its associated fuckery, i have never had a reception like this. not only were they polite, and curtious … they were caring!

one lady tried to find a back door to the auditorium & seating close to the door. bless her beautiful heart! she waited while i tried to manoeuvre the stairwell to the back door (& waited for over 15 minutes @ least) & finally i realised i wasn’t going to manage that either … well not without falling over anyways. i stood on the second set of steps (steep AF i might add) & had a quick discussion with my girl. i did my apologies & she could see i was struggling … & i decided that if i had a smidge of a chance to enjoy the rest of the evening, then this whole scenario was a no go.

so, again, i backed down the steps, very slowly, & those beautiful ladies got me a seat so i could sit down & get my breath. & then they just carried on as normal.

now, again: something else i’ve noticed throughout my pts(d)-ness, is peeps tend to do all sorts of awkward fuckery when confronted with someone who is clearly struggling. it is super super rare AF, to find someone, let alone 4 someones (1 being my beautiful daughter), who just caringly carried on, whilst making themselves ‘available’ to assist as i needed.

we sat there for about another 10 minutes. in that time, one lady came & sat next to me & says, ‘i get anxiety too, so i get it’; & she smiled. i nearly cried. but in the moment, it did something to my feng shui. something good.

i felt ‘normal’. empowered & normal & fully in control of my situation.

yah know how fucking rare that is too lol!!

my head cleared … & i stopped sweating like a rapist lol … & was able to make some clear decisions.

no, the auditorium wasn’t going to happen tonight. but we learned that this whole astronomy / star roadshow learning thing, would be done again. maybe next year. so we could try again then.

my ‘end goal’ of that part of the evening, was to buy the book this dude had written, & a cup lol. so i asked if i could do that, & they obliged & sold me both items earlier than they usually do. *goal achieved* ;)

i know, i know .. what a groupie lol

then i decided we’d leave. i thanked those those beautiful ladies for being so caring. i dont know that they really realised who much they had done for me.

yah know, a little kindness & not acting like a cunt, goes a very long way!!!

so me & my girl decided to go pizza-ing earlier. we’d chosen this particular place because my girl reckoned it wasn’t usually crowded.

well guess what. it was packed AF!!

by this stage we were both nervous but laughing cos this was just fucking typical really.

but we went in anyway. i did the earplug thang ;)

i managed to start ordering but cos it was so loud & so smelly (loads of people, smelly), i knew, again, sitting & waiting & then eating, was going to be hugely uncomfortable.

me & my girl had a little talk & decided to take away. so we ordered then left for half an hour.

& went to get the coffee we wanted! Yah!

all the while we’re walking & talking & its in the middle of town @ night, & i’m thinking … this is cool!!! this is way fucking better than sitting down in a crowded room & listening to someone talk for 2 hours … & way better than having to yell over everyone else to have a conversation … & as we strolled along … with a fresh coffee … heading back to get our pizza … i realised, that this … right here & now, was what my new lane looked like. & in a similar vein, my darling girl figured the same thing out for herself too.

we got back to the pizza place & i was actually able to sit & wait for another 10 minutes, for our order. no panic fucks to report here, but a few terrible selfies were attempted lol.

once we’d got our pizza, we sat in the park across the road .. which in hindsight, isn’t possibly the safest place for 2 women to be in the middle of the night .. & parked up on a bench seat like 2 lost souls, spread out our pizza, & ate like there was no tomorrow lol.

from left to right … ‘the godfather’ , ‘italian lover’ & the house special ‘dessert’ pizza!

the ‘park’ @ night x

it was an awesome night! 3 hours me & my girl sat there in the dark, watching the stars & the ‘night life’ & talking & laughing & yes, there were a few tears too lol.

my fuck, we needed that! i didn’t realise how much she needed it & this was exactly what i had been craving.

‘my normal’.

i’m actually grateful i couldn’t go into the auditorium & that i missed the stars lecture. i’m grateful the restaurant was packed.

i found something of me in all those ‘fuck-ups’ that i wouldn’t have found otherwise.

& it was a mixture of my old version of beautiful & my new version of ‘mindfulness’.

my beautiful x

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


it’s broken.

it is, i am.

‘your not real, really’.

not a real maori,

not a real woman,

not a real artist,

not a real achiever.

so, what’s real?




he did it & i did it:

with the help of my daughter & mother, i got there & mingled ;)

i was so proud of my brother!

he’s such a good man; a beautiful father & an awesomely talented artist. he owned his spot last night & his videography is sublime! this exhibition marks the end of his 3 year degree journey & it’ll be cool to see what he does next!

tonight – is my mama’s exhibition!!

i am currently doing calming, happy shizz ;)

btw: i talked with the ceo of the gallery we are in & apparently in the history of this gallery & the one in wellington, no family has ever exhibited in the same place @ the same time & no gallery has left art up (mine ;) ) so the entire family could be in the same place @ the same time ;)

neat alright!

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist



so, i thought i did well …

it’s been a week since the exhibition opening & other than the photos from the night, i haven’t really given a blow by blow update. my last post was re: my nerves and the countdown to the night and the blessing that was the rain … and i kinda left it there.


cos its taken most of the week to recover from said events; and it’s taken nearly all week to really process the events.

i got to the exhibition earlier than i needed to – which for me, is a first in a long while. i’ve tended to be bang on time, so i don’t have to wait, or late, so i don’t have to wait. but on the night of the event, it started raining which a. calmed my fuckery right down and b. then i was able to actually look forward to it.

i had prepared for this virtually all year. i wasn’t nervous about exhibiting; was a tad nervous about the people; wasn’t nervous about the venue because i had already seen it when we did the installation. i made sure i was comfortable and wearing an all black ensemble ;) my go-to comfort attire lol. oh, and sneakers of course!

i had my bag of tricks & my ear plugs on the ready. i’d taken a small amount of anti anxiety drugs, but not much considering what i was in for.

when the event actually started and the opening speeches etc were being made, i had a moment where i realised i was standing in the middle of a crowd of about 60-80 people. i felt a pang of anxiousness and then a profound sense of pride i think it was. not because of the exhibition or my art that i could see hanging to the side of me, but because i was ‘here’ … standing … breathing … and being part of something larger than just me & my home & my nerves & my fears.

it brought a little tear to me eye ;)

after all the formalities were done i … wait for it … mingled!! oh yeah … i did LOL!

not sure that i did it very well, but i did it. i was proud of my work as in my art work, but more prouder that i was there! i had a couple people ask me what i had done because i ‘looked well’ … i brushed it off with a ‘thankyou … its the lighting’ lol and a bit of a laugh … but really, i knew it was a years worth of preparing and breathing and freaking out and calming down and breathing some more … i paid for that moment all year … and it was fucking worth it!!!

i took my family though the gallery to view my work and they were as proud as i was. the people that i had collaborated with, were just as proud of me as i was of them.  the group i make art with are all extremely strong women, who have lived hard lives and are all trying to make something better out of their situations. like me. and i love that.

another moment i had was learning that one of my pieces was exhibited in the same building, and just around the corner, from 2 famous maori artists i absolutely admire and adore – Ralph Hotere & Robyn Kahukiwa. Now how absolutely gangstah is that! thats a once in a lifetime experience for me :)

the next biggest moment, was learning that my mothers and brothers art work will both be in the same space next week. i knew they had exhibitions on too, but we hadn’t realised we would all be in the same place at the same time! now how cool is that!!! that is also a once in a lifetime experience for me! that my entire little fams will be exhibiting in the same gallery at the same time … ay, and along side 2 famous artists ;)

anyway … i stayed for 2 1/2 hours. and when we left we drove through town.

i felt overwhelmed, tired, excited, accomplished, relieved and proud, all at the same time.

it was well worth the anxiety and planning and re-planning and sickness and panic attacks even lol.

i’d like to say thankyou to my blogging family, for all your support and encouragement! all the little words of support were awesome and i couldn’t have been there enjoying my moment without the love y’all showed moi.

i appreciate you all immensely xxxx

so, that was me.

that was me & my event.

that was me & my achievements.

that was me & my hard work.


this is the piece that hangs around the corner from Ralph & Robyn ;)

it reads:

on the insides bruh,

we screamed
on the outsides bruh,
we had shit to do
fucking shit to do
shit we did with
grace and finesse
and now bruh,
the inadequacies
yah perpetrated
is the fluid
that fuels
our rage
keeps us screaming bruh
check your fucking self
keep your fists on the grind
your dick in yo pants
your mana intact

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


guess what guess what!!

I drove the Car today!

All by my fucking self!!!

I know right … I am very pleased with myself :)

I was going to a friends house today for a coffee and a catch up, which on its own was a huge fucking deal. My mate was ready for my nerves etc and was so good to Me … she made her home (her home!) as comfortable as she thought I’d need … soothing music, lighting and neutral, calming smells!

I so appreciated that! I haven’t had any one do that for Me for … for like, ever!! xo

I was a little nervous about going … but thats Me ay ….

And just before I was due to leave my partner says “you driving there?” … which I think was a bit of a piss take … and I thought about it and said … “Yes”.

And the rest is history.

Yes, it was only a few minutes away, but I haven’t driven by myself for over 5 years!!

I cried all the way from our driveway to hers lol. Not because I was upset but because I was doing it!!! It felt extremely fucking liberating! Not quite ready for the open road, but today I am taking the wins that I have!!!

This is Me in my mates driveway and the picture is terrible cos I was shaking and crying lol … good shaking and good crying though. When I got to the front door I was still in tears … I was happy and proud and happy lol … happy to be there … be cared about and feel fucking ‘normal’ … well My #NewNormal anyway xoxo

kpm ©: ig @kpm-artist



congratulations are in order:

For Me.

Yes, Me!

Before I start undermining my efforts and achievements. Before I swish that shit aside and minimise what I’ve been through to get to this point; to have accomplished Two of the things / goals I set for myself this year so far.

My trip up the River with my beautiful Mama was the first one and although I haven’t really high fived myself, my pride in what I achieved has been pretty fucking evident in my photographs I thought.

My second achievement has to do with my art ‘camp’, which I haven’t talked about much for fear of jinxing the whole thing. I had decided at the end of last year, that I’d like to go to this camp thingee with the peeps that I create art with for our exhibitions.

Big fucking deal for Me.

It meant being away from home, of course. Travelling to an unknowen destination … unknown, as in I had never been there and didn’t know the layout of the land / the sleeping arrangements / the people there / how ‘safe’ it was etc. Then staying overnight at this unknowen destination. And the most anxiety-inducing part, was interacting with 8 other people that I barely knew.

I prepped my questions for ‘camp mother’ and ticked them off as she answered. And even though I was still unsure I was still slightly determined to go.

Then some douche bag said I wouldn’t be able to do it so I became more than slightly determined to definitely go!

And go I did.

I made sure I covered as many bases as I could, the most pertinent being: that someone would be able to bring Me back home if I completely lost the plot. Oh … and plenty of drugs ;)

Well, I am happy to report, that I did it. I went. I stayed. I interacted. I didn’t completely freak out and I actually enjoyed it!!

Yes … Me … Me enjoyed being out of my comfort zone!

It’s another goal to tick off my little list!

And it’s a big ‘fuck-you’ to the aforementioned douche-bag. *Reminder for said douche-bag … “I wasn’t always lame, and I won’t always be lame. I have an innate ability to change shit to fit Me so I am still independent. I may ‘look’ crippled … but fucking aint … remember that!!!”*

Here’s what I saw … My way … of course :)

There are 3 photographs of this weird looking browny poddy plant thing whose shoots come out of a what looks like a miniature flax bush. I liked them because they were unusual.

This one is an green ivy looking plant with little heart shaped leaves on the ends of the stalky things. It was growing up and through the brown poddy looking things :)

The next photograph is a close up, not to close though, of an open fire at night. It’s a beautiful orange and amber colour … it looks like life feels when it’s raging but in control.

The next two photographs are of the bull thistle … one of my faves … the first one is the bright vibrant pink and offset white of the flowery bit of the plant. The second photo is of the bulby thistle bits … all spikey and green and looking pretty sure of themselves.

The next photograph is a close up of a bunch of bush blackberries. Only one has darkened and all the rest are in various phases of turning darker. It was lovely to see them as most of these bushes have been killed off by our local councils who think its a weed and should be sprayed to fuckery and killed grr. Last time I remember seeing a wild blackberry bush,  I was about 10 years old!

The following 2 photographs are close ups of the leaves of an unknowen thick green tree. They’re a kind of layered green … deep and dark … quite hard to explain. But I thought they were beautiful.

kpm ©



i got there …

It’s been a while cos it’s way too peopley in our neck of the woods at the moment … holidays and all … and with all the sunshine, every man, woman, child and their pets have descended on our little paradise … argghh.

But yesterday afternoon it was over cast and everyone had decided to buggar off, so we went down to our beach.

She’s still glorious …

I even made ‘sand angels’ (equivalent to snow angels, but with sand ;) ) and watched the clouds roll by.

Just what I needed.

kpm ©



unfucking … now.

It’s blurry and it’s messy and heres why this photograph made it to the ‘unfucking thyself’ segment.

It’s not my favourite coffee; it’s not my favourite cup; it’s not even my favourite photograph. I love it Because:

As you would know, anxiety (aka pts fucking d) sometimes takes the breath out of Me and going anywhere or doing anything is one huge mind fucking effort, that Not going is not only the easy option, but the safest option … for all involved ;)

Well I asked My beautiful Mama to help Me take my art to the post office to post overseas. It’s been too hard to do it and it should have been done quite a while ago. Most of all though … I wanted to do it myself. It’s my art … my creations … I wanted to own the sending of them … blah blah … you get my drift ay.

So slightly drugged up … bits and pieces in tow … including one large ass parcel … we went to town: Me and my beautiful Mama. I was fucking nervous lol.

We got there and I did my shizz (to explain in a later long ass post) and that package got done!! It was fucking exhausting!!

When we got out of the post office, Mama says to Me: “Shall we celebrate your achievement? Because you did extremely well!”.

Well, a little tear welled up in my gangstah eye.

This little photograph, of the blurry coffee cup logo, is the celebration of my achievement <3 What a beautiful thing ay.

One little step at a time.

I love my Mama xo

kpm ©



dinner at the usual spot <3

No where else in the world

I’d rather be.

kpm ©



When I was particularly depleted, aka sick as fuck … there were long portions of time, where I thought I might never ‘get up’ again. But even in those times, I was looking for a way to manage my shizz whilst flat on my face. And while I’m not a lover of that ‘down but not out’ shit, this is my version of that.

The way I see it, we are all dealing with shit, and thats usually made harder by the train of thought, or pressure, put on Us to ‘get better’, ‘be better’ … To get ‘Normal’, again. I’ve certainly had my fair share of this thinking process … and still struggle with it occasionally.

But by in large, my struggle is more with the practicalities of how to re-shape my world so I can manage it. Not re-shape it to fit what someone else thinks it, or I,  should look like.

And throughout all of that, I’m finding Me.

This years biggest struggle, although there has been a few, has been with my father. Theres many a post on Me trying to understand, process, analyze, let go, summarise and respond to the relationship that has and hasn’t been, between us.

Strangely and quite poetically I suppose, the last of my ‘letting go’ process with him, came out within my art. My art actually helped Me fill in the missing pieces and unfold a few other bits and pieces and let go of the last of it.

Which is why I ended up with 13 pieces for the exhibition. It’s also why the exhibition itself, became so important for Me to attend. It’s also why I posted the names and meanings of each piece over the last month. It’s also why I refer to it all again here.

I discovered, that my persistance for self honesty and transparency … a light soul pretty much … is part of what drives Me. It’s not money, or status, or importance, or intelligence …. or any of those surface bullshit things …

It’s living ‘light’.

I don’t do well with a heavy soul … and mine is somewhat naturally heavy and leans to the things that are heavier. But can be made even heavier whenever ‘unreal’ bullshit is taken on.

kpm ©



update from the exhibition:

I haven’t been able to get my body round my head space, or vice versa, and do a decent update on the Exhibition Opening on Saturday just gone.

Suffice to say it was fucking awesome and I was gangstah lol.

Thats it in a nutshell.

I was so nervous in the morning and ended up dropping a quarter sedative to take the edge off … I had tears and more tears … and I was excited. It made for a whole heap of discomfort for someone not used to a single emotion, let alone a few at a time. Fucken hell … I am learning though! My Need to go pretty much outweighed my Fear.  Couple that with the Need to do the big “Fuck You” salute to my father. Yep, that spurred Me on no end ;)

We got there and I was sweating like a rapist and had to change my t.shirt lol … sweaty wasn’t exactly the ‘look’ I was after. Nervously fucked, Yes … Sweaty rapist, No.

I had invited all my beautiful family so they could support Me. They were pre-warned of what a panic attack looked like and what to do if anything un-toward should happen. And they were gangstah <3 They took such good care of Me … and pretty much followed my lead … which meant they were everywhere and nowhere all at once lol. But they did it … and it meant the world to Me that they did it for Me.

I had moments, but not too many. When it felt to bright, I moved. When it got to loud, I moved. I held my daughters hand when I felt scared in the crowd. I found my Mamas shoulder to hold on to, when I felt uncertain. I caught my partners eye when I needed backup. My big girl made sure we were fed and took photos of everything … because I completely forgot about that – hence the lack of photos here.

All in all it was fan-fucking-tastic!! I feel like I achieved the one something that I really needed to this year. It’s made Me more determined to focus on what I need slash want to do next year. And I’m actually looking forward to it.

Over the next few weeks I’ll drip feed the exhibition photos as I get them from my daughter and what I can scavenge up from what we took. Funny thing – as excited as everyone was to see my art up on massive white walls, I was just stoked to have gotten there. And to have enjoyed it!! So much so we ended up being pretty much the last ones to leave lol. Decided I’m going to take all of them to everything I need to go to from now on ;)

Oh … and I bought Me a coffee :) Bonus!




italiano & birthday loves.

We started with Brunch for Mama … cos why not, right … if your going to eat all day, you may as well start it off right ;)

Croissants, Melted Chocolate and Coffee (Perculator and Plunger)

1st course, or ‘Aperitivo’, of the Main Menu, was the palate cleanser … Spumante.

Surprisingly (not .. lol) everyone wanted a little nap after that …

2nd course, or ‘Antipasti’, was Pizza … with a shit tonne of Mozarella ;)

3rd course, or ‘Primi’, was Watercress Brodo (Broth). This one, I found particularly gangstah … and for those that know what our Aotearoa boil up tastes like … well this broth was inspired by that.

4th course, or ‘Secondi’, was Lamb Rack with Salsa Verde.

The picture says it all … and the evening sky was just beautiful.

Alongside this course, was the 5th course, or ‘Contorni’, which was Watercress and Green Tomato with burnt butter. Yes, I know …

6th course, or ‘Dolce’ (dessert), was Vanilla Bean Gelato. It came out way better than I expected … and I served it with stewed plums, juice and chopped mint.

7th course, or ‘Formaggio E Frutta’, was a selection of local cheeses and a selection of fruits.

8th course, or ‘Caffe’, was fresh ground beans, percolated … Gang-stah !!

And last but not least, the 9th course, or ‘Digestivo’, was my Limoncello. As the course suggests, this was all about the digestion ;) And we certainly needed a little aid after all that food.

I think what I enjoyed the most was the laughter … and hanging out with everyone I love.

I had such a nice day …

And bonus … my brother gave me this little beauty (not a very good pic soz) … its a beautiful black stone in a hand crafted ‘frame’ or case, otherwise known as Black Tourmaline … renowned for its protective properties <3

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist



mow lawns – tick!

I mowed the lawns today! Yah Me!

Now while that sounds like a pretty bland event and one that doesn’t deserve a high five…here’s why, for me, it does…

I haven’t touched the lawn mower in ages…years actually. As the old PTSD crept in, and I became more and more sensitive to noise and smell…and couldn’t get past the letterbox…lawn mowing was not something that was on top of the priority list! A lot of noise and then ear muffs and the constant vibration of the motor, didn’t make for a ‘safe’ environment for little old me.

I’ve been trying to work up the courage to mow the dam lawns for ages…it’s on my list of things to achieve.

And today I achieved it :)

I had to stop about 5 times, to re focus and breath…ground thyself lol. And every time I stopped shaking, I went back out and kept on going.

And that for me, is an achievement worth a high five :)

kpm ©


looking back…

I know I’m making personal progress even though most of the time I’m second guessing myself. I guess it’s one of those ‘flaws’ that I’ll figure how to make into something spectacular one day.

But just so I remember…how far it is that I have actually come…

March 2014 we moved to my beach heaven – the 3 years previous had been filled with unexplained anxiety, sickness, increased weight, depression, increasing medication, pain, emotional distress, very little sleep, nightmares, sensory overload, not driving, decreased travel in a car, not working and eventually not leaving the house.

The car ride to our beach was the first ‘long’ trip I had taken in a very long time. For the first 4 weeks I think it was, I didn’t leave the house at all. I freaked out when the neighbours tried to be neighbourly. I’d have a panic attack in the backyard because it was too far from the actual house and I didn’t venture past the mailbox without medication.

It took about 3 months to feel some kind of relaxed feeling. I started feeling more familiar with my surroundings and not so on edge. There is something quite peaceful about hearing the ocean roar all the time. It was soothing. For the mind and the soul. It still is.

I eventually got past the mailbox and tried to walk to the beach. I failed, lots; and freaked myself out numerous times. It was plenty discouraging!

I finally got a diagnosis of PTSD about 6 months after moving out here. While it was painful to hear; it made sense. Everything made more sense. But it pissed me off. I waited about another 6 months for any type of treatment…the wheels of ‘health’ move way to slowly in this country.

The first session with the psychologist was awful…for her and me. She ended up coming to me instead. We’ve had about 6 months of her coming to me.

Anything I did…the shop, the beach, family celebrations, family coming to visit…were hard work. It’d take days to recover.

I struggled with sleeping and the more I became anxious about it the harder it was to sleep. The nightmares were hell-a-scary for ages, and waking up sweating and shaking and crying, were pretty horribly normal.

We are now in November 2015…and I am not where I was five years ago; a couple years ago or even a few months ago. I have made progress.

More than anything, I’ve learnt…well learning, to accept my little quirks as just me. Not necessarily a part of PTSD…but just the way I’m wired. And as long as it’s not hurting me, then its OK.

I can socialise now…not like the partner does; but in my own funky way :)

I can talk on the phone now…I still don’t like it; but it doesn’t freak me out :)

I can walk to the shop…by myself…making sure I always return home with a brownie :)

I can do family…I love doing family…I love having the kids here; the mokos here…I don’t find them draining like I used too :)

I’ve figured size is just a number and don’t really give a shit about my weight…it’ll decrease when its ready I reckon…and I’m OK with it…so much so, I’m going to buy a bikini for summer :)

I can sleep up to 6 hours on a quarter sleeping tablet…there are less nightmares…and I know what to do when I do wake up from them :)

I have made progress…I need to remember that, and congratulate myself regularly. I know I’ve forgotten some of my mean achievements, but these will do for now :)

Rock on you funky thing you ;) Let’s tick some more stuff off that list of yours…

kpm ©


I went out…

Now, as a woman, I believe it is a god given right to go clothes shopping at least once or twice a month. And online shopping doesn’t count.

I haven’t been clothes shopping for nearly 3 years. Until today!

Now I’m definitely not saying the ‘shop’ itself was successful…but the attempt at…the browsing…the experience…well that was!

I did the car ride…tentatively. And I stayed in the back seat this time too. The traffic was horrid, but I managed…I breathed. And I think I closed my eyes maybe, three times. I did it without my headphones too!

The shop itself was huge with those horrible fluorescent light things. But I took my time and made sure I breathed…and stopped when I needed too. There were foreign smells and noises that usually cause me to run a mile…but I stayed with it and breathed.

I think we were in that place for about an hour!

I felt pretty depleted after we came out…but not completely overwhelmed! And I managed to purchase 2 items!

I miss doing that! And I’m going to do it again…not sure when…but I will.

To top off my outing…I went to the vege shop. Now I haven’t done that for about 4 years. My daughter or my partner have done all the shopping for all this time. Some of me sees it as natural paybacks for having done that shit for god knows how many years. But going back into the ‘war zone’ was intriguing, triumphant and unpleasant.

I’d forgotten how fast our society is. How unnecessarily busy and rude it is. And I can’t say I’ve missed that.

I was ‘tsked’ and ‘humffed’ a couple of times. Once, for the tattoos…yes, I saw you, you crinkled up old bastard. The second, was for not moving along fast enough.

But you know what…I breathed! I didn’t speed up…I didn’t run away…and I didn’t knock that old bastard out!

That was a successful outing I think!!

kpm ©


& what?

thought i’d better document my progress, before i forget i’ve actually made any.

  • i went for a walk.
  • without the beepy bits
  • without the medication bag. Whoop.
  • i sat in the front seat of the car…for the first time in…ages. without my blanky, and beepy bits…I had everything else though…sunglasses, music, medication bag. Whoop.
  • i stayed in the front seat of the car all the way to the next town
  • only freaked out a couple of times…and didn’t take any medication. Whoop.
  • went into three different shops…freaked out in one and almost hit the ground, but didn’t.
  • the third one i actually enjoyed…it reminded me of Nan & Grandad.  Whoop.
  • did therapy…meh.

it’s all progress. apparently.

yes, i’m feeling ultra sarcastic today. and not in a positive way.

kpm ©


first drive.

first time in 2 years, i drove the car. very slowly & with lots of deep breathing before and after. but i drove that bitch.





ANZAC – for my Grandad

Every ANZAC day I think of You; I remember you getting up at some god forsaken hour, ironing your ‘tweeds’, getting your medals together and heading off to the local RSA, ready for the dawn parade. I remember you telling us about the bugle, about General Freyberg, about your army ‘cobbers’. But I only ever remember going to 1 dawn parade with you in all of the years you were with us; shame on me.

But today I think you would’ve been proud of Mama and me. We took your photo – of You, General Freyberg and ‘Lorry’, to the Lakeside commemoration.

Grandad…Muaupoko were so welcoming…we told them your stories…mum told them the Tiny story and the Turkeys story :). They loved your picture ;). They sang you a waiata xo…you would’ve been so proud, felt so loved, and honoured, and humbled.

I know the event was for Freyberg, but for me, it was for YOU. I miss you…and I love you.

I won’t ever forget xo

(not my meme)

kpm ©


big ups

Today I did it…I went to the shop, on my own, and bought a coffee!

I got all my little beepy bits – heart rate monitor, breath pacer, head phones, the right playlist,  sunglasses, stick, bag of meds, comfy shoes…I did my breathing…I made up my mind…strapped that shit on…and put one god dam foot in front of the other! I got to the café, did my order, waited…waited…didn’t run away, or freak out to much…kept breathing….paid and left! With my coffee! I felt better than I did when I got my degree :)

Big ups TO ME!

kpm ©