a break from it :

remember when i said id get me a prezzy?

for being a brave little fucker?

yup.

well they came.

*insert a big cheesy fucking grin*

that is all.

for now ;)


kpm©


 

update: quite a bit ‘behind’, even for me, but thats aight !

i have tried, over the last couplely years, to make sure i ‘celebrate’ my ‘achievements’; even the small, seemingly meaningless things. cos a. no other cunt is going to congratulate a bitch & b. cos even those extremely minuscule things remind me that its all fucking progress.

*insert an over over the top eye ball roll here*

& i am way behind on congratulatory notes for moi.

so here’s a little of said ‘achievements’ & what i intend on doing to high five the fuck out of myself!

.

  1. youngest mokos birthday party : i’ve been working on these over the last 2 years. & my youngest moko turned 1 a couple weeks ago. i had prepared hard out for this & was about as ready as i was ever going to be. what i did different this time? .. i made time to worry about what might happen & how i could deal with it. & then i made time for stopping worrying about it. yes you read that right. i scheduled in days to not worry. lol. i figured i had tried all the other bullshit that sometimes works & sometimes doesn’t, but i hadn’t actively made time to NOT worry. & as absurd as it sounds, it fucking worked lol. by the time bubbas birthday rolled around i was ready. & i attended whole-heartedly ready to enjoy myself & enjoy him <3 it was a beautiful thing!! hard core achievements though, included an indoors ‘play-ground’, packed full of strangers including strange smells, bright lights & fucking loud kids LOL. & i did it & enjoyed it & managed it & bailed when i knew my shit had had enough.  … how am i going to congratulate myself : purchasing 2 large beeswax candles that have been on my list of ‘things to get eventually’. eventually has arrived ;)
  2. 2 days after mokos birthday, i had my (hopefully) final ACC assessment : the ACC fuckery has been ongoing for bloody ages & this round is about a stable weekly income & ongoing assistance with ‘rehabilitation’ (pfft) & work outcomes (rolling eyeballs all the way to the back of my fucking head). pretty much, if i can get a steady income they’ll assist with the rest to get me off the steady income.  … pause for dramatic and ironic effect … yep you heard right. anyways, this process is in it’s 2nd year. so, any of these appointments make me extremely nervous & nauseated & thats aside from the pts(d) bullshit. soooo, yes, i planned the fuck out of this appointment & did what i had done for the birthday. i planned days to worry & strategise management & days to NOT worry at.all! & guess what fuckers … it worked!!! i managed that appointment like a bloody professional lol & made sure i took the following day to chill the fuck out. i am well pleased with myself! & duly noted : even though ACC has said this is the final part of the process & assessments before the make their decision, i am not taking their word for it. unlike like my previous encounters with them & working towards ‘the final’ of all sorts of bullshit reports, requests, appointments & assessments ; this time i am banking on someone fucking up & requiring some extra information, requiring me to turn my shit inside out yet again. yep, i’ve planned for it ;) so, this week i celebrate what i achieved @ this appointment & i am going to go & do breakfast on the beach in a few days time <3 . & then i’m going to make a list of anything else i want to do / buy / treat myself with, knowing full well, when they fuck up future assessments & i’m required to bend over again : i’ll have a whole list of ‘rewards’ pre-prepared for said bending over LOL.

this all gets me to the biggest achievement of all really :

that i’m learning to ditch the old methods; the tried & true methods that every cunt recommends (nicely of course), for the things that work for ME.

fuck i’m neat alright.


kpm©


 

1.

” … rua kenana,
tuhoe prophet from the uruwera …

he told his people not to go to war
let the white man fight the white man’s war … “

david grace, 1992

#brownfacts 👊🏾


kpm©


 

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still a bit broken today … but

boom : i made 47 orbits bitches !


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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11 ks ay …

yep.

i managed to drive 11 ks out of our little town, right up to the main state highway.

see:

(shit photo i know, soz)

& when i got there, i was super proud of myself … of course lol & then …

i freaked out! big fat L O L. yep i had’a size 8 panic fuck cos i was excited cos i got that far;  which went to a 9.5 once i realised i hadn’t brought some of my ‘lessen-panic-fuck’ mojo with me & was starting to have a hot flush!

fuck me!

wtf the was i thinking!

however … upside is, obviously, i made it back!

i rang my mama whilst i was out there next to all the action lol, & told her how proud i was :)

so, she decided to come celebrate with me … coffee & cake of course!

i think that’s part of what got me home actually.

as proud as i was of my blelf, i learnt a few valuable lessons. one of course being, ‘double check yo bag bitch! before you leave the house!’ ; second …

as much as i want to be alright, i learned-did this day, that i’m not alright. not completely. & it’s gonna take a lot more small steps before i can drive freely.

when i got out to the main highway i was quite overwhelmed by all the noise & the movement of all the cars. the picture doesn’t portray that, but it was busier than what i was used too. & for all these years, i haven’t been able to navigate around all the extra noise & movement so have managed what i could. so, as i try to take more of all that stuff on again, its no wonder i felt overwhelmed.

i was absolutely fucking munted when i got home & ended up sleeping for like an hour!

even the following day, i slept in & felt like i had been run over by a fucking bus when i did wake up. i still feel a bit shattered actually, but am getting there.

good lesson learnt though. & a few exhausted moments are definitely worth it.

next time i’ll be more prepared.

yes there’ll be a next time. & little bit further afield <3


kpm ©


 

the appointment.

delayed update, i know.

it’s been one of those weeks though … fuck it.

the fact i’m actually here, typing away, is pretty epic lol. but may have to do with the fact that i am slightly baked again.

but i’ll get to that soon.

the ACC appointment is worth more than a gold star.

mate … i was fucking awesome!!

which does NOT mean i didn’t snot all over the place or shake like a leaf or look like a leftover homeless person or smell like a giant sweat ball … no in fact, i was all those things, & more.

but …

i got through the traffic prior to the appointment, with my mama driving lol, with only 1 panic attack of a 4-5 on the panic fuck scale. which is pretty good for me. & i was able to short track it by breathing deep & listening to my music & figuring out exactly what it was that was sending me into a panic.

it was the usual … being trapped. not having a choice.

once i’d figured it, i just cried. & felt better.

once we got there, i walked into the building with tears still rolling down my face. my mama didn’t flinch, which is what i needed. she didn’t console me or get nervous or upset; she just let me be. the lady @ the reception looked awkward but i said what i was there for & then sat down. i didn’t wait for her to do her thing … she found me on their schedule & then came round to give me the heads up on wait time etc. i didn’t really listen to her .. & continued breathing.

& it all fucking worked.

it worked because i knew what I was doing. not what everyone else was doing: but what I was doing.

i truly gave no fucks what was going on around me, as in, others reactions to how i ‘appeared’ & that made one hell of a difference.

if i had’a thought about it @ the time, i woulda taken a selfie, cos in hindsight i looked pretty funny. i had found my most comfortable-est clothes to wear & decided to ditch the shoes completely. they make me feel claustrophobic. i had my breakfast in a jug cos i hadn’t finished it @ home; i had a medium sized bag with all my necessary shizz in it.

by the time they were ready for me, i was humming the tunes playing through my headphones ;)

once in the ‘office’ & the psychiatrist had introduced himself, i told him i needed the heater off & the lights off otherwise i wouldn’t make it through an hours appointment. he obliged. i also let him know that im more comfortable sitting on the floor, so if i ended up there, just know … ‘i’m ok’ … LOL!

kudos to him, he was pretty chilled. thank fuck.

& the hour went pretty fast. i swore & talked & ate my breakfast & generally embraced my awesome self lol. i hadn’t rehearsed answers this time so what rolled is what rolled.

how do i know it went alright?

well, i wasn’t committed & i’m here ;) thats how i know.

to say i’m proud of my efforts is an understatement.

cos to add to all this i was having the period from hell (thankyou fertility goddesses … not impressed!), & my tooth had started rarking up more overnight & i’d had the total of 3 hours sleep. by all accounts, i should’a been a curled up ball in one of the corners of the room.

but here i was in all my motherfucking glory, owning my shit like a pro! & it felt good!

by the time i got home, i collapsed into a small heap for about 12 hours, but thats aight. i’m good with that!

the following day i had to make an emergency appointment for the dentist.

i managed that similarly to the ACC appointment; with a few minor hiccups, but that was ok too.

turns out my tooth is cracked right over a nerve hence the excruciating pain. & even though they loaded me with enough local anaesthetic to knock out a horse, i could still feel the pain, so they sent me home with antibiotics & i have to go back next week.

now up shot is: i’m ok. i’m ok with how i did. i’m ok with how i’m handling the pain (which is baked … sunny side up lol), & i’m ok with having to go back.

i figure stressing aint gonna help me in the slightest, so i’m employing some ‘man-sense’ & completely ignoring everything around me ;) so far its working lol.

any who …

high fucking five me! & i’m so stoked with Me i’m gonna buy myself something … not sure what yet lol, but i’m thinking something that looks like a gold star worthy achievement !!!


kpm ©


 

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thats right …

i did this the other day:

& no, i didn’t hit the cunt or take a photo whilst driving lol.

i stopped, then clicked, cos i made it to the 80k sign just out of our little town. :)

ikr.

& lets just never mind that i got confused with which side the fucking indicators were on & ended up with all window wipers going @ the same time, which smudged all the shit that was already on the windows & i couldn’t see a goddam thing & started having a point 8 panic fuck!

i calmed that bitch down eventually, whilst trying to turn the fucking wipers off. ps: did you know that if you switch the car off, it doesn’t reset like a computer does??? you’re welcome.

(digression: i cleaned those windows the following day & filled those window wiper cleaner thingees. it’s my daughters car & it looks like the only thing she ‘fixed’ before giving it to mum, was …. well, i’m still looking …)

anyway …

after all that … taking my victory photo … & starting to head back home; i realised it was that time of day whereby the sun is starting to set, & as beautiful as that is, it’s an absolute bitch to drive in when you’re a nervous fuck!

so, once again blinded by the light of the glorious sun, i had to dig deep into the reservoir of my ‘not recently used’ driving experience … stayed left & followed the white line home.

omg.

but i am not defeated.

it took a few hours to recalibrate & realise that that shit is the reality of driving. well, thats what they used to teach yah. & that manoeuvring a huge fucking piece of metal around a few narrow bits of tarseal @ varying speeds … hoping to high hell that the large piece of metal making its way towards you on the opposite side of said tarseal, is being driven by someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing & are being as fucking cautious as you are!!!

fuuuuckkkk.

needless to say, i haven’t gone for another drive yet.

but i will.


kpm ©


 

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the slow unfucking of moi … still.

its a bit of a fuckery: this whole unfolding & re-learning shit. its tiring. but i’m doing it … slowly.

the last couple days have been good. good for the soul, kinda good.

yesterday i caught up with a friend of mine who i haven’t seen for like, 12 years; & it was good! the huge ass bonus, was there was no anxiety leading up to the visit & no anxiety during it. i was looking forward to it & enjoyed every moment of it.

thats huge for me.

proved a couple of my theories were correct too.

if i’m doing something i love or hanging out with someone / s that don’t suck the life out of me & are genuine AF – theres no anxiety & no panic fucks – because i Want to be there & i want to be engaged in the process. & a lot of that has to do with Not having to be alert for the fake bullshit or exert my energy resources protecting me & my space.

up shot … i’ll be engaging in more of that sort of shit!

so today started with a bit of anxiety which i figured was due to slight fatigue from my happy interactions lol, so instead of fighting the fatigue, i decided to roll with it.

so … i drove to the beach!

oh yes i fucking did! ikr …

do you know how proud i was of myself? hugely!!

i’ve attempted the driving thing on & off for a few years but it hasn’t been consistent – cos, it still makes me as nervous as fuck.

this time, i’m taking it slow.

i packed up the car. breathed until i felt calm, then started it up. backed up the driveway, waited & breathed until i felt calm again. & continued to do that till i got to my destination. it took awhile, but this town is small & no-one really gives a fuck if your driving like 30ks lol.

but i did it & i took pics so i can remind myself of my progress on the days that i feel ratshit ;)

i took my time parking & getting my shit together to go down to the water.

& i decided i’d lay in the sun & read … which i did for about 2 hours! me & james baldwin got thoroughly reacquainted!

& i stayed there until i felt rested.

you know how fucking liberating it is to do exactly whatever the fuck you want?

yep, its awesome!

i was proud of me today. proud of my perseverance. proud of my patience with myself. proud of my pace. proud of the enjoyment i got out of all of it.

slow & steady.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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moko & big dig big ups

before the month declined slightly, i didn’t get the chance to post the beginning of said month, & that it was awesome starting this gregorian year off with my eldest moko.

this year he’ll be 11 … eeek.

he’s so gorgeous & such a lovely kid.

i’d asked him what he wanted to do for ‘new years’ & he reckoned he wasn’t fussed … just staying awake was an achievement ! so we did pizza & the beach earlier in the evening & then watched everyone elses fireworks from the comfort of our backyard ;)

lame photo of the ‘fireworks’ i know. but let me just point out my achievement for  this night.

i haven’t ‘done’ fireworks displays for years & definitely haven’t gone out to take pics of any recently lol. yep, fireworks are all the usual pts(d) fuckery – loud, bright, random. this is the first year in fucking years i smiled @ them – hence the photo being shit lol.

so high-fucking-five me !

the following couple days before moko went home to his fams, he said he was missing his baby brother & told me all about how he got him up in the mornings & they’d have a chat (moko #9 is the newbie & he’s 4 months old) & then moko #1 would put bubba in his chair & turn on a specific cartoon for him, which apparently loves. i thought this was awesome & asked him why he does it. he says to me: so mama can have a sleep & cos i love him.

like i said, he’s a lovely kid.

anyway … the day before moko went home, we went to a ‘big dig’ – the purpose was to dig for 4 hours to hopefully find a plastic token & thusly win a corresponding prize.

he didn’t find anything & think he was over it within the first hour, but he persevered lol.

for me, it was a bit of a fucked up ‘achievement’. my beach was packed … & i mean packed (for our area anyways). not indicative of calm & tranquility, especially at this time of the year … but i sucked it up … well actually, breathed it out … & went down.

no-one but me really recognised the achievement, but oh well: you don’t always get a high five for the shit yah do ay.

have i mentioned i love my mokos?

they make life good xox


kpm ©


 

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changing the feels for 2019.

i haven’t done ‘new years resolutions’ for like, forever. too much pressure & as far as i’m concerned a waste of time. if you can’t do shit off’ve your own steam during a year, why on earth do you think a new day & a new year is gonna change it?

fyi: it aint. mind due, thats not based on any scientific research however i’d love to see the stats if any exist ;)

for me though: next year is an ‘on purpose’ change of ‘feels’.

i’ve decided to do things a little different next year.

on top of the agenda: do away with the gregorian calendar.

i hardly do anything on it anyways; but i want to learn more about our natural cycles & how my ancestors did shit. they managed to make their way to this land by following the stars which IMO was way more accurate not to mention, way more gangstah than that colombus idiot who didn’t seem to know which way he was going!

so, gregorian calendar – gone. the beauty of apple & its apps … i was able to bring up all the holidays / days of remembrance / schedules, & then re work what i wanted too & do away with the rest. gone is christmas, having been replaced with a ‘family day’ & appropriate ‘self management’ days, before & after. gone is easter, labour day, queens birthday, halloween & guy fawkes. instead i’ll be acknowledging ANZAC as a day of remembrance for my grandfather … all he was exposed too & came home with; all his family sacrificed & the strength he utilised to live a full & productive life. the only land / country holiday, as such, i’ll be ‘doing’ is waitangi day & i’ve added in our ‘independence day’ which was 5 years prior to waitangi. both days will, for me, be about protest, learning & teaching; because until my entire family are decolonised then my job here isn’t done.

i’ve replaced halloween with Día de los Muertos, because for me, its important to remember those that went before us & not in the pakeha sense of it all. i want a day where we remember the babies we’ve lost, our grandparents, friends … & i want their stories told. this day of remembrance, does that for me. 2019 will be the first time i’ve observed this officially: unofficially though, i’ve been doing this for years.

i’ll observe the gregorian new year as a ‘turn over’, but i’ll be concentrating on our matariki, which is in the month June by the gregorian calendar. this, according to our ancestors, marks the change of season & the star formation that appears in the sky once a year. i haven’t really ‘done’ matariki so 2019 will be a learning curb here too.

other than that, moko & familia birthdays will be celebrated as usual :)

i’ve added in self care & self management days so i can add to what i’ve been learning this year … that that shit takes its toll on me & i need to remember to look after myself before, during & after.

as far as ‘goals’ go, i’m going to work on ‘holding my space’. which will require me to be more ‘present’ & ‘in my body’ … arrghhh … thats a giant head fuck for me so i’m not adding much more to my ‘to-do’ list.

& as far as art goes – i’ll concentrate on photography.

the highlight of this year was making it through it !! lol … as lame as it sounds, i’m still super stoked with all that i managed this year. super duper stoked!

so as you all go about rounding off you’re year … stay safe … have fun … & a giant ThankYou for hanging around for the sometimes, extremely tumultuous ride!!!

love & light peeps!! x

*  i’ll leave you with photos from our article in the newspaper featuring yours truly, my mama & brother & our recent artistic accomplishments ;) *


kpm©


 

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& the finale. mamas exhibition :)

it’s been a massive month! exhausting & exciting & terrifying & just plain cool ;)

& last night was the last of our family exhibitions ;)

mama was awesome!!! her work was awesome!!! the whole exhibition was awesome!!! i was super proud of her … after all, how many peeps can say their mama has just completed a BA in Maori Visual Arts with an exhibition, whose art is focused on the misuse of 1080 in our country ! ;)

super super proud of her!!


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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yes: i’m congratulating myself … again …

Think I said the other day I was off to spend the day with my Mama … going for a little road trip … and Yes of course I was nervous.

Always fucking nervous … thats Me.

Yes, I sedated. Yes, I shook and walked around in circles for at least an hour. Yes, I wondered if I should pull the plug.

But No … I did Not.

Decided to do selfies this time ;)

Lucky Chucks applied … Favourite Jacket donned … and comfy Undies on lol … Note: don’t go anywhere in uncomfortable grutts if your an anxiety ridden fucker … it makes matters 100% worse!

#YourWelcome

I had 1 thing I wanted to do in town, to do with my photographs for the exhibition.

Whilst thats a simple matter for others, its a mind-bending-fucker for Me.

But lucky Chucks applied … and my Mama to help Me … we got there. I made sure I had all my bits and pieces as per usual (orange, water, ice pack, knife, meds, earphones, ear plugs, sunglasses …) and made sure I wore my sunglasses inside and the ear plugs too.

What I was trying to achieve this time round too, was getting used to the noises, smells and sights, gradually. So when we got in the shop and I could feel the ‘heavy’ of all the bright lights and all the plastic smells, the people smells and a few other foul mixtures in there … I sniffed my orange and waited (theres that word again arrghhh) for my senses to adjust … instead of taking off immediately. They did adjust to some; others, not so much.

But I talked to the lady behind the counter and asked the questions I wanted … and Mama helped and filled in when I forgot or couldnt get my head round it all … It was cool!! The tagteam effort I mean! It took a little while, but we got it done.

Heres the proof lol.

I managed to hang around while Mama got the things she needed too :)

When we were done we headed off again.

We stopped for a coffee … *pause for a big grin lol* … I love coffee!

The place we stopped was noisy as fuck so I left my ear plugs in. The smell of the diesel and petrol from the traffic was slightly overwhelming but I managed. Again … I tried to wait and let my senses adjust.

We finally got to the beach (its the beach about an hour away from ours … same coastline but further south).

Slight digression: We managed the new motorway bullshit … suffice to say, I didnt like it … at all … (neither did Mama ;) ) but I managed it … But, WTF NZ? What are we doing motorways like that for? … in NZ? I mean really, we’re as small as fuck as a country and we’ve just run a huge ass motorway through the middle of what was some pristine looking countryside …

Anywho, back to the beach …  it was my kind of weather … dark, cold, rainy and calming as fuck on the senses!!!

Here she is in all the B&W glory that I love:

And one in colour :)

Mama said she was proud of Me. And  I was fucking proud of Me!

I want to start doing this more … just a little bit at a time.

Post-day out, my sinuses are overloaded, my head aches and my body is aching. It was worth it! But it’s also made Me aware that the more I do, the more it’ll effect my body … gives Me something else to work on and towards though.

So heres to Me and all my gangstah-ness LOL!

Love and light peeps … love and light xo


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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unfucked thyself. again.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

A #photograph of my sandy feet was not exactly what I was going for re awesomely mindful photograph – However the triumph that is these little tootsies, is the realisation that not one little inch of anxiety hindered the mid-morning swim in our beautiful ocean with my beautiful Mokos.

We had Fun! And I learnt a very valuable lesson:

Moko #2 conquered her fear of the waves and I got to help and watch her defeat her fear first hand. Do you know how utterly gorgeous it is to watch fears be conquered?

It is very gangstah indeed.

And it dawned upon Me-ith that the encouragement and love I showed her as she manoeuvred her way through her fear; the questions she asked and I answered to the best of my ability; the tentatively tip-toeing in, with her hand in mine, and then the running out screaming at the top of her lungs; hand still in mine; then her turning round to face those waves again with a gritty look on her little face and doing that all over again … Until …

She decided to do it alone, past waist deep, under the watchful eye of Me, and rode those waves on her boogie board and screeched with pure delight!

You could see the sheer victory on her face … and that was glorious!

What she taught Me, was sometimes you need someone to hold your hand as you Fight Fight Fight.

<3


kpm ©


 

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today was a good day :)

After feeling completely ‘ Meh ‘ most of the week, today was a pleasant relief. I managed to tidy up my house, like I like it … and rearrange abit … as I do.  I decided to keep once piece from the exhibition, not because I was emotionally attached to it, but because I Like It :) Now thats a new thing for Me.  So I found him a new home on one of my walls.

I made some chocolate chip cookies for the moko midgets and didn’t eat all the cookie dough for a change, so there was plenty for their little personages ;)

I planted my broccoli / possibly cabbages … not sure what they are … and hopefully they’ll take to the soil and grow. Fingers crossed.

Oh and I forgot to say yesterday: Me and my beautiful Mama went and had a celebratory coffee at a Cafe yesterday! I know right! How did I forget to brag about that one!

I was hell’ah nervous before we left so Mama gave Me a cuddle and said I’d be alright … and I was! I so enjoyed it … so much so I didn’t even take photos!

Yah know what … It’s nice to feel Nice!


kpm ©


 

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miss moko #4s born day

For Me: Grandma, and all my ‘hiccups’ … yesterday was freaking exhausting and freaking awesome!!

I love being round my family … I love soaking up their goodness … seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. It’s so good for the soul!

And yesterday was one of those days.

My girl had done so well with the food prep and decorations and was still pretty cool, calm and collected by the time we got there.

Moko #4 was owning it, as she does ;)

We laughed, and sang, and danced, and ate, and drank, and ate some more and sang some more. Moko #1 had prepared a little song and drum solo for his cousins birthday, so while we ate some more, he did his thing.

And what a beautiful thing that was! I was so proud of him :)

By the time we had rounded up the day I was even more exhausted than I had been at the beginning of the day lol. But it was a nice exhausted.

My only anxiety flutter came on our way to the mokos house, when we stopped at the garage to gas up the car. It just felt noisey and bright and that started the usual bullshit for Me … but I breathed deep, closed my eyes and blocked my ears for a couple of minutes and it seemed to subside slightly. Enough to last till the partner had done his thing and we were off again.

Whew.

I’m hoping for more of these days. I seem to be able to manage the things I enjoy … not so much the things I don’t want to do or have to fake.

Lesson learnt? : Don’t do anything I don’t want to do?

Sounds good to Me.


kpm ©


 

beer and burgers and the weekend that was

A bit overdue I know … but I’ve been processing. Gotta love the processing part lol.

As Friday night closed and Saturday morning rolled around, I ended up more stressed than anxious I think. To most, they may seem like the same thing – To Me they are distinctly different. Stress, of the mundane kind, I can deal with but it makes Me butt ugly angry. So if anything, I call it being pissed off; those looking on, call it ‘over dramatised stress’. So really thats got more to do with them, than Me. And anxiety, for Me, is the pre requisite for a panic attack. The distinct difference, is the latter is a debilitating ass wipe that leaves Me feeling vulnerable, not angry.

Angry gets shit done.

Vulnerable leaves you debilitated.

So, rolling with stressed on Saturday morning, I’m asking the partner (because this is his soirée) …

‘so, what time is everyone coming?’ … ‘dunno’ …

‘what time did you tell people to come?’ … ‘saturday’ …

Oh my fuck! And thats how most of the day rolled out.

Now I’ve come to grips with the partner being as he is. A man. He doesn’t plan like Me; he doesn’t organise, anything – and he definitely doesn’t do time frames. He actually adds to the anxiety that is Me, but I’ve also learnt a lot from him … I’ve had too otherwise I’d be fucking insaner than I already am!

So 12 o’clock rolls by, as does 1 … and I’m hungry as fuck lol.

‘Dear … can we make some food?’ … ‘Um … I haven’t got any buns … they’re coming’

WTF? LOL.

So peeps start arriving at this point and there isn’t any food.

“Learning Moment” … I pulled the partner aside and ever so gently said to him …

“Do you have a Plan B sweetheart?” … ‘Nope’ … “So this is where, as anal as I am, I would have a Plan B”. He looks at Me a little astounded and says, “Ok, so if I was to have a Plan B, what do you suggest that should be?” …

Oh my fuck, is all I’m thinking.

“Plan B would have been purchasing some spare buns and having them in the cupboard. It would be buying more than 1 lettuce to feed 25 people … so maybe 4 or 5 … and then the rest of the salad ingredients … Plan B would be ensuring I had all the meat patties here and ready to go.”

“Ohhhhh” … says Partner … “That sounds good”.

*groan*

And while that conversation right there pretty much sums up the whole day: I must say, I coped pretty fucking gangstah-ly with the whole thing!

The family came – landed – caused chaos – and departed. And I watched, slightly interacted, and felt reasonably unaffected.

The friends came – landed – settled in – caused abit of chaos – and departed. And again, I watched, slightly interacted where I wanted too, and felt reasonably unaffected.

What I found super duper interesting, is whilst I was ‘Managing Myself’, quite a few of those around Me found that -how would you put it – threatening?!. They wanted Me to engage in their incessant grizzling; they wanted Me to ‘put shoes on’; they wanted Me to drink; the wanted Me to eat more. And as I said No, or thank you – No thank you … they squirmed something awful. It made them feel enormously uncomfortable. And usually that discomfort effects Me, as in it makes Me feel anxious. But not this time.

I was able to see what was happening, and more importantly, see that it wasn’t my problem at all :)

So as the night wore on I ended up being one of the last ones awake. There were a few hard cores that stayed up and drank themselves into a stupor. But all in all, I enjoyed my night. And so did my partner!

What I was mostest proudest of for him and Me, is we both managed ourselves; did our thang, separately and individually … but we both allowed each other to do Us. It was quite liberating for the both of Us ;) I think he enjoyed not having to ‘babysit’ Me. He’s figured out that I am capable of managing myself, its just other people that don’t like how I do that, but thats not his problem – Or Mine.

So, all in all, a good weekend … many burgers consumed (finally), and many beers had … and for Me, survival skills employed succinctly! I think I’m looking forward to the next event, which is fucking amazing for Me !


kpm ©


 

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I did it … I did it …

Feeling bit like Dora the bloody Explorer … except for the ‘We’ did it part, is ‘I’ did it!

Here goes … bullet points again, cos I’m tired, but ecstatic, but tired – and bullet points just work beautifully for Me ;)

  • I decided I’d go to my appointment with the psychologist today.
  • I decided I’d do the blood test.
  • I was ready, with all my bits and pieces.
  • I got up early.
  • Got my shit together early.
  • Actually enjoyed that process.
  • I sat in the front seat ;)
  • We got to town early.
  • We went through who knows how many sets of lights.
  • I didn’t freak out!
  • I gathered all necessary bits to deal with blood taking.
  • I made sure I pee’d before blood being drawn!
  • Live and learn.
  • I asked for the small needle.
  • I told the nurse I was nervous.
  • I requested the partner come in with Me.
  • I told him to be quiet.
  • He wasn’t being helpful.
  • He looked hurt.
  • But he survived.
  • And I survived!

post jab!

  • That sorted.
  • I filled up the anxiety and oozy feeling with these:

sweet crunchy nectar of the gods!

  • We made our way to my daughters job.
  • I was excited :)
  • The traffic lights freaked Me once …
  • And I breathed!
  • And I survived.
  • At the cafe, it was way more packed than expected.
  • I had a momentary wave of …. F U C K, and then I spotted my girl :)

my beautiful girl <3

  • And all was alright with the world :)
  • I was so proud of her.
  • And proud of Me for being there.
  • Some parents want their kids to be lawyers or doctors or politicians … but I want my kids to follow their dreams and be happy in their worlds.
  • See that smile?
  • I had a Mummy moment and almost cried ;)
  • She made Me the best coffee Ever!

best caffe mocha Ever ;)

  • We stayed for over an hour … Yuss!!
  • I so miss going to cafes!
  • I even talked to a stranger!
  • There was a surprise ‘encounter’ with the MIL!
  • A wave of anxiety.
  • Then back to myself.
  • She was her usual.
  • She took offence to most of what I said.
  • I didn’t care :)
  • I continued to enjoy my coffee!! Yuss!
  • Then it was on to the psychologist.
  • I had my list.
  • We went through my list.
  • I can go see her again regularly.
  • We’ll do more EMDR.
  • And try a few other nifty things she has at her disposal re driving and lessening anxiety.
  • I decided to wait till after the next assessment to start this.
  • She’s good with that.
  • The partner arrived late to pick Me up.
  • This would usually freak my shit out.
  • I played my music and sang instead :)
  • He came.
  • And I was alright!
  • I survived.
  • He survived!

we survived ;)

  • On to picking up the airport twat.
  • I had ear muffs packed.
  • I didn’t need them!
  • She was offended that I didn’t want to sit in the front seat with her in the car.
  • She was offended that I wouldn’t tell her why.
  • I didn’t care :)
  • And I was alright!
  • And so was She!
  • And so was the partner ;)
  • And we left … we went through multiple traffic lights, with multiple stops and multiple noises.
  • And guess what?
  • Yes … I survived!!
  • And I actually enjoyed most of it!
  • And I am so fucking proud of Myself right now!!

kpm ©


 

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you did what? … well that was fucking awesome! … good on yah!

Said No-one ever … well not today anyway … well alright, slightly over dramatised … said no-one today, that mattered anyway!

Why the tanty??

I had a gi-normous day today … profoundly difficult and profoundly victorious, in more than one way!

The long-awaited ACC assessment – that I laid a complaint about – that has taken approximately 3 years to get – that may see my $35 per week grow by … a little bit more, hopefully – Yeah … well that; I had that today.

I have been nervous as fuck about it for the past few days as I found out I had the appointment on Friday for today. Usually I’d kick up a stink about that, cos I need a hell of a lot longer to prep for shit like that … but cos I’d waited so long for it, I agreed to it … and have quietly prepared ever since.

I wasn’t going to write about it or talk about it with anyone … didn’t want to jinx the process ;)

But I prepped. Made sure the partner was available to take me … got my ‘kit’ ready … downloaded travel appropriate, distraction, ‘happy’ music and tried to relax. In between ‘quakes’ I tried to remember that this has been a long time coming and I wasn’t going to miss it … I’d ‘medicate’ if need be, just to get Me there.

I had about 3 hours sleep last night, but remained calm. And somewhere in between planning what to wear and finding at drink bottle at 4am, I had a thought ..

I’d been discussing with a fellow blogger, my dislike of the wind … earthquakes etc … that they were ‘unpredictable’. She said something interesting … to the effect … that a tree ‘bends’ with the wind, it doesn’t stay rigid. In all my planning for the unpredictable, I had severely taken the ‘joy’ out of everything … well was hard pressed to find any joy actually. Well as I was planning what to wear, I headed for the comfortable shit first … reason … less hassle. Then I found a dress I hadn’t worn in ages, and it made me smile. So I found my old leather jacket and my sneakers to wear with it … and I smiled again. I actually felt good. When I woke up at 8, after my hour’s nap lol … I looked outside and it was pissing down with rain, that I don’t mind, but it was also windy and fucking freezing! My lovely little dress was not going to cut it … at all. Fuck fuck fuckaroo … was the track I was heading down, cos my well thought out plans had been fucked up by nature … again … when I remembered the ‘wind’ analogy. So, moments later, whilst sitting on the toilet, I was trying to figure out how to ‘bend with the wind’, and enjoy it … fuck!

After my business, I headed back to the room where my lovely little dress was all laid out … put it away … and tried to find something else that would make me smile … and I did :) Another dress, not anything like the other, that I hadn’t worn in like, forever … then i found a top and some nice red stockings … matched them up with my leather jacket and sneakers … and wahlah!! I smiled … I had just learnt how to bend it like beckham instead of having a panic attack because my shit had been disturbed.

Hurdle 1, done!

I went about my morning routine … coffee … coffee … breakfast and … coffee; I did the shopping online to be delivered when we got home … and then lo and behold, Mr bursts out of the room, hollering “How much did you spend on shopping, I’ve only got $40 left … fuck it all” and proceeded to have a man-sized tantrum.

Now usually, at such a pivotal time and moment for Me, I’d freak, toss my cookies, cancel any appointments and have One Outs with big mouth. ‘Don’t you fucken talk to me like that’ … ‘I spent as much as we needed’ … ‘My spending is our fucken spending, don’t fucken forget that , cunt’ … ‘Where’d the rest of YOUR fucken money go then?? Oh that’s right, you didn’t pay Your fucken parking ticket, or Your doctors bill … both went to the fucken debt collectors and Yes that’s right, like I said last fucken week … If you don’t pay those bastards they will take what you owe out of your pay check!!’ … ‘Fucker’ …

But instead, feeling rather ‘bendy’ … I breathed … focussed on the fact that I needed to get to my appointment and this cunt was my ride … but like fuck was I going to be intimidated by a man size tantrum or engage in any kind of discussion re ‘missing’ money right … now. I needed to do ME. So I did the only rational thing I knew … and I ignored his funky ass.

I continued to get my shit together … I got in the car … turned on my music and sang as loudly and joyously as I fucking could … I took photos … I breathed some more … I sipped on my water … and I sang even louder.

I had given him previous instructions of which route to take to minimise stress, and he did. Good.

We got to the appointment early and Partner sat in the car … trying to sulk. I looked at him and said ‘I told you I need you to come in with me until I’m settled, then you can go’ … he reluctantly got out of the car and came in with me.

It was a Psychological Assessment … Impairment assessment thingy … I got to re-live my history of sexual assault as a child … with details … dates … positions … feelings … faces … Yeah … I got to re-live that shit again, because that’s how these cunts like to assess shit. It went on for nearly 4 fucking hours.

The Partner stayed for the first 10 minutes then left. Fine.

I did what I needed too.

I lined up the coasters on the table … I fiddled with the ornament in the middle of the table … I took off my shoes … moved my seat … turned off the down lights … announced that I’d be swearing liberally as that’s how I talk usually and trying to be polite only gives me a headache … The psychologist nodded his approval … not that I was looking or asking for it.

But that’s what I did. 4 hours later … I was fucked!!

When I left the office I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer … my eyes were blurry, I was shaky and nearing tears. But I had expected that … and prepared … with chocolate chip cookies … which I ate all the way home … whilst listening to my music … again. I had one slight panic attack at the lights but had brought an ice pack for my face … that helped.

So while I was stoked to have ‘completed’ this mission with minimal ‘after effects’, sort of … I was waiting for a “How did you go dear?” … “Are you OK?” … “Do you want a cup of tea?” … something.

But I got nothing. Not a word. Not an encouragement. Not a fucking high-five … nuddah!

Usually I would be devastated but I think I’m too fucked to give 2 shits really … but it has fucked Me off … and it is something I’m going to address with his Royal Sulkiness before the week is out ….

After, I have taken care of Me.

After, I have High Fucking Fived my own shit.

After, I have bought myself a bitching coffee from the Cafe tomorrow.

After, I’ve finished listening too and posting all the songs that make me feel OK.

After, I have finished going on about it on My Blog.

After …. after, I have done right by ME.

Not cos no other cunt will … but in spite of it … and because …

I fucking deserve it … and I deserve an explanation.

I won’t be treated like that and let that shit slide. Not anymore!

—– The one compliment I did get today, which I took … was from the psychologist. As we were nearing the end of all this shit … He looks up, moves his glasses down his nose, and says with quite an interested and stern look … “How the fuck are you still ‘here’?   … You have a strength that is rare … do you know that?”

I cried.

Told him it is Stubbornness.

*(noting that he had dropped the F bomb … Yuss lol)


kpm ©


 

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the ‘lessen anxiety’ slash ‘reintegrate’ list …

… that’s gathering dust on the fridge …

Well, I managed to tick something off’ve it!          …. it’s not that I’ve been completely avoiding it, but since finishing with the shrink I think I’ve slowed down with the whole tackling shit weekly … I’ve kinda moved into more of a plod through a couple of things a fortnight … maybe … kind of scenario … and without the ‘guilt’ that comes from NOT doing it …

I think the thing I miss the most since this whole PTS(D) diagnosis – anxiety – panic – the story of my life – bullshit … is my freedom.

I’ve redefined what that is in some respects. As in … just because I am ‘stuck’ at home … or feel trapped because I can’t handle being around people … I swap that round so it becomes … I’m ‘working on me’ … I’m chilling the fuck out … I’m enjoying my own company …

And for the most part, that’s true.

But …

I miss being able to get in the car and fucking off for the day / the weekend, whatever; rolling up to some poofed out cafe and buying the biggest, fattest caffeine boosted coffee *to go*, I can find; I miss roaming around parts of the country and stopping in on peeps I haven’t seen in ages; I miss trolling op shops and buying whatever the fuck I want; I miss choosing to go to some freaky little joint for a meal I can’t pronounce; I miss hitting the bottle store at 3pm, drinking till 12pm and hitting a banging club and dancing my ass off till 5am … I miss all of that!!! I miss that freedom … the freedom to choose to do what ever the fuck I want, when I want … without wondering …

… whose there … where are the exits … what if I can’t breathe … what if I panic … have I got all my things I need … what if the floors are dirty … or it’s too bright … what if I smell something that sends me off into fucked land … what if, what if, what if …

Full blowen anxiety slash PTS fucking (D) and all the trimmings that go with it … as much as I can embrace some aspects of it and integrate it / work with it … that freedom that I once had … no matter how ‘illusionary’ it may have been … well, I miss that!!

Part of the ‘lessening anxiety’ list, was to help me get back that freedom. And don’t get me wrong, I am hell’ah grateful and stoked with what I have managed to achieve thus far.

I just miss those things …

But, I managed to do something I haven’t done for fucking eons, it feels like … and every time I think about it I want to cry. I wanted to cry while I was doing it. As fucking lame as that sounds … I think I am slightly overwhelmed but excited but scared but stoked but … fuck knows …

“Me and my partner went out for dinner. A real dinner. A sit down and order and eat that bastard, dinner. With drinks. LOL and dessert. And I stayed. And I fucking enjoyed!!! And I’m still crying LOL …”

It took me all morning to ‘get over’ the night .. but it was worth it … and I’m still crying LOL … fucks-sakes ..

I think it’s just that it’s been so long … and when we moved here it was one of the things that I wanted me and the partner to be able to do again. And we finally, got to do it !!!!

Heres the proof … of sorts …

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Yes, that’s a burger LOL and a brownie … I decided, for now, I’ll stick with what my gutt knows … one thing at a time :)


kpm ©


 

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we went on a hikoi.

Me and my Mama decided to go for a bit of a trip away.

Huge deal for me … I haven’t been anywhere for ages … I don’t usually go anywhere without the partner … strange place … strange smells … the unknown.

But whilst festering in bacteria in the hospital the other week, I decided that I really needed to start getting out more, and doing things that I actually enjoyed … and which didn’t involve a hospital!

Aside from that … I figured if I managed an ambulance and a hospital; 2 of my worst things to do … then I could probably handle some ME time away from my home.

So, with decision made last Thursday, I tried not to focus on the unknowns and focus on the excitement part instead.

… I get to spend time with my Mama

… We both enjoy photography and would get to take a shitload of photos on our trip

… We were going to the Taranaki, and I’d wanted to go there for ages

… Something different

I spent the entire day packing and reorganising and repacking and covered all my bases; taking everything I thought I might need; stuff to decrease anxiety; all my little ‘bag of tricks’; I packed them all!

The morning of, I was as nervous as hell and thought about pulling out, but didn’t. The partner dropped me off at Mamas, and even he was more than a lot surprised! We packed up the car, Mama and Me, and we headed out!

Without going into the blow by blow … I did it! And I enjoyed it .. loved it in fact!

I had a couple of freak out moments where I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes and breath … so I did. And guess what … I survived!

We spent 2 nights and 3 days away. And I thoroughly fucking enjoyed all of it! So much so, we gonna do it again in a few months!!!

I’m enjoying the feeling of some kind of freedom – the freedom I used to have, but better!


photos of our expedition ;)

mama is an artist & photographer, and her latest subject matter had to do with the colonial assholes. this freak, was NZs prime minister for a time in the 1860s. hes quoted elsewhere, as saying ‘the only good maori, is a dead one’. and here he is! dead!

the whanganui opera house: i performed here when i was a little ballerina ;)

mama taking more photos john ballance: the racist cunt.

where we stayed, this little fullah decided to pose for a few dozen photos: introducing the kereru.

this fluff ball was @ the farm where we were staying. cute little dude i thought.

west coast beaches & that black sand <3

even a light tramp (aka strol) through our beautiful greenery <3

& no matter which why you turn, you can see our maunga (mountain) … shes majestic! x

kpm ©