alopecia. etc.

when i got alopecia, i didn’t just wake up one morning and all my hair had fallen out.

it happened slowly.

it started with a tiny patch on the back of my head, about the size of one of my nails.

not a lot was known about alopecia then .. and sadly to say, not a lot is known now and its over 20 years on.

& as i was looking for solutions, more hair started falling out. i’d wake up in the morning to handfuls of hair on my pillow and when i showered, handfuls of hair would fall away.

my visits to the doctors where tiresome and fruitless.

when i finally got to see a specialist most of the hair on my head had fallen away and i was wearing a hat. and still they couldn’t tell me why it was happening or how to fix it.

it was a long, slow and emotionally painful process. i was worried that something more devious was wrong with me. i was worried that i wouldn’t be able to find a solution especially if all these know it all fucking doctors and specialists didn’t know much. and i was worried it would never grow back.

as a grappled with all of that i was faced with a choice of stressing out as it fell out or shave it off.  i chose to have what was left of it, shaved off & it made me feel quite helpless.

in hindsight i coulda rocked a baldy & been fine lol but i think the stress of the why’s and how comes over took any kind of self esteem and common sensical solutions.

it took nearly 6-8 months to get to that stage & about 2 months after id shaved it off, the original patch started to sprout white hair that felt like baby hair.

why re-tell this drull story?

cos this arvo i was thinking about where im at in my ‘healing journey’ .. i still fucking despise that phrase, but havent found a suitable alternative yet lol .. & realised that where i am is like the bit just before i decided to shave my hair off.

my life has been a painful fucking process.

from about 2007 onwards, ive had some tragic shit happen, but a deep healing started. that coincided with not having to see fuck face pedo anymore. it also came with the grief of losing my grandfather & the end of an era.

& now i feel as if im at a crossroad.

sort of.

its a time to choose.

not everything has finished healing or even finished being cleaned out .. but i feel like i have a choice to make re facing certain things head on, in a different way & fuck the consequences.

& like my hair, it may or may not grow back. but am i going to keep stressing about it falling out or just face the inevitable, that it is nearly all gone, shave the bastard off and rock the rest.

cos like my hair falling out, i didn’t get to be a ptsd fucktard over night .. hell no .. its been a steady progression. & to say im well over it would be a fucking understatement .. i’ve tried all the well meaning remedies & then some.

this part feels different.

this part feels almost like a letting go but not in the ‘normal’ sense of the phrase.

maybe more like taking the wheel? instead of bracing for shit to happen .. maybe its time i fucked that thing over & fuck all bitch ass consequences!

.. watch this space .. again .. lol ..